PMS and Food Addiction

Two nights ago, I was stuffing food into my mouth like the Taliban was at the door. Crunchy Cheet-ohs, an ice cream sandwich, cheese, jalapeno poppers (SO good), Swanson's meat lasagna...stuff I don't ordinarily eat, and WAY too much of it. I knew I would pay the price.

And so I did.

I couldn't sleep that night. I was uncomfortable, bloated, my body ached all over. I started with the trips to the toilet about 6 am. That went on about 4 hours. Painful, crampy, uncomfortable trips to the bathroom. And need I say foul smelling? (A hallmark of the DS.) I stayed in bed until 3 pm trying to catch up on some sleep and feel well enough to haul my ass out of bed. It was still a struggle.

Yesterday I did fine, I had a couple of moments but still managed to mostly maintain, and then last night, started my period. Yup. I am almost 52-fucking-years-old and still menstruating. When is this shit going to go away already. Not only that, but it's like a clock, regular as shit. I think 40 years of this crap is enough, don't you? Mother nature, you listening?

As soon as I get my insurance sorted out, I'm getting a thermal ablation. I'm SO over this, seriously.

So I'm going to go with PMS food cravings for $1000, Alex. *snort*  Ya think?

I didn't even think about it. Other than being long and heavy, my periods have basically given me no trouble since shortly after I left my teens. I do get clumsy in the day or two before, and I have noticed food cravings, also, but I really wasn't thinking about it on Wednesday. I felt stressed, anxious, afraid, like my heart my explode in my chest, and I knew I was using food to comfort myself (and which mostly didn't work, except for the ice cream *grin*). I felt out of control. Feelings became actions.

But it makes sense. So I need to make sure to pay more attention to the calender when I have these weird food cravings and know that I can fight them with exercise, distractions, and better food choices. The knowing makes it easier to fight instead of just flailing against unseen enemies in the dark.

My weight hasn't changed in a week or so, but my clothes are still getting loose, so we'll see. I'm going to go eat my "enchiladas in a bowl" for break/lunch. Basically ground beef with Las Palmas mild enchilada sauce (my favorite), cheese, sour cream. Yum. Then a walk.

My Hernia

I first felt a lump behind and above my bellybutton about two months after surgery. The doctor looked at it and said not to worry about because if, indeed, I had a hernia, it would help me get a tummy tuck down the road. No big deal. I figured I'd get an apron, and I seem on the way to that.

In June, I had an MRI to look for metastatic ocular melanoma in the abdomen, specifically the liver, and the radiologists noted that it appeared that I probably had an inguinal hernia. Yeah, no surprise there.

Well...it's gotten bigger. A LOT bigger. And it's starting to hurt. It's a sharp pain, it gurgles sometimes, and if I eat to much it can hurt a great deal. Last night it almost felt like a strangulation. I won't be able to wait two years to get this puppy fixed--I'm thinking it's going to need to be sooner.

January 1, unless something changes, I will be going into the CalOptima program that is administered by state Medi-Cal (the basic, which I have, straight Medi-Cal), and I can be on a network such as Blue Cross or United. The paperwork is about two inches thick and will take some time to go through, so I'm thinking sometime in the early part of 2015 or the spring I'll be having a hernia repair. We'll see. I see my surgeon in early November so we can talk about it then.

But it's huge, it hurts, and when I look down I feel like I'm looking over a basketball--I look pregnant. here's a picture I took two nights ago before I got in the shower:

 That big round thing just below my cell phone camera in my hand (black square), is the hernia. I would look a lot slimmer if I didn't have it. Appearance doesn't mean as much to me as the pain and discomfort--that really sucks.

So does the thinning hair. Bleh.

Just click your heels, turn around, and keep repeating, Jules, "I don't have diabetes. I don't have diabetes. I don't have diabetes."

Doing Good

I love my exercise pants. They feel so great when walking--they are snug, stay put, and keep me from jiggling, all good. :-)

I'm staying with a friend and I took her dog for a long walk Saturday night. I don't know who was walking who, really, but we both had a good time. I didn't get out last night because I was out with my friend and her family, and tonight we have something to do, and it's just too hot in the daytime--over 90 F. I hope tomorrow night.

My eating is mostly okay, although the choices are limited due to my limited cash flow. Mostly cheese, yogurt, and nuts.

I haven't weighed myself in a few days, so I don't know what it is.

The contrast in how I eat versus what other people eat has been very stark since I've been here. The dramatic changes I've implemented as a result of the DS surgery to stay alive and healthy are definitely highlighted. I do it without thinking now--and hallelujah. That was the whole point, after all. :-)

So hanging in there, nothing new to report. New jeans are getting loose (new in June).

Hope you're well, too.

Exercise

I walked 2.5 miles today up and down hills. I had my new workout pants on, a college T-shirt that was always too small, another college that I attended on my ball cap, my iPod, and a bottle of water. And here is the strange part about the whole experience:

I enjoyed it.

My body craves exercise.

I felt great, even after my iPod died halfway. (Amy Winehouse is awesome for walking, IMHO, also.)

Tomorrow I'm going to take a different route but about the same distance.

I'm a little sore, but in a good way.

I can't wait to get back out there.

That lump on the bottom right is my boob, not a fat roll. :D

Minus 84 pounds. I'm still struggling to wrap my brain around it.

Cow Flop

Call me Gassy.

Sometimes I feel like these morning DS poops are like giant cow poops--I sit down, it flops out, it smells, I flush, wash, and move on.

Today was especially bad.

All my fault.

We're "out of town," which is kind of a misnomer because we're in the area we're going to be living in. My husband got a job on the (gorgeous) central coast of California and we're staying at a hotel while we look for a place...and which is not going well.

We have a mini fridge in our room, and I've got it stocked with cheese, cottage cheese, HwC, yogurt, and water. I also have some nuts and a bag of spicy chipotle beef jerky. During the daytime, while he's at work, I have my snacks and meals covered. At night, we generally go out for a hot meal.

Last night my husband came in from work, hungry and agitated, and insisted he wanted to go to Hometown Buffet. We found one and drove over there. I didn't really want to go there, but figured I'd have a nice big piece of prime rib with horseradish sauce.

Instead, I thoughtlessly and mindlessly...no, that's not true. I acted with intention and choice. I made bad choices and I knew I was making bad choices but I just said "fuck it." I had cornbread with butter, I had a spoonful of barbecued beans, broccoli salad with bacon, four bites of Caesar salad, prime rib, a chicken wing, a piece of fish with tartar sauce, Bourbon chicken, and a small piece of coconut pie.

I didn't eat anywhere near what I used to eat and what put me at 351 pounds--I can't eat large quantities--but I ate quite a bit of the wrong thing. And I knew it. Food addiction is insidious.

I told my husband, "I'll be shitting all day tomorow."

I had a bloated stomach and gas all night. The smell of nasty gas actually woke me up. I crapped so much when I got up, I didn't think the toilet would flush, honestly.

Fortunately, this happens rarely anymore. Addiction recovery is a lifelong, frequently daily, sometimes minute-by-minute process. Fortunately, the DS offers consequences, serious consequences, that make it easier for me--not easy, easiER--to make good choice, improve my health, my outlook, and how I feel. And why I chose it.

I make no excuses. I made the choices, I live with the consequences. Sometimes knowing they are there is not enough--sometimes I need to experience them. Clearly.

But man...last night was a long and painful one.

I'm putting on my exercise pants and going for a long walk.

Fat is Good For You...

I'd suspected this since my father had a triple bypass in 2000 and the day of surgery--preceded by an angiogram--his cholesterol was 135: Low normal.

I also had success with the Atkins diet in 2003 and felt really good.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes in 1994 (I think), I was encouraged to eat low fat. I changed from ground beef to ground turkey, and started using canola margarine, but otherwise did not change my fat eating, but I did radically change my carb eating.

Take a look for yourself.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/09/06/opinion/teicholz-fear-of-dietary-fat-melting/

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Taken last night, September 30, 2014