"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JIngle All the Way...."
So I ate carbs. A lot of carbs. Not compared to what I ate as an obese person, but definitely more than I would as a post-op DS person. The fallout hasn't been too bad in terms of GI distress and weight gain. It's manageable. Of course it means a carb detox, but...whatever. It is what it is.
YOu know, I had this WLS in order to be healthier. It was never about appearances for me. Sometimes I questioned if I really believed that or if I were simply fooling myself. The answer is sort-of two-fold: Yes, I did do it primarily to be healthy. Sometimes I miss my big heavy body, like when I'm trying to open a heavy door or pick up a heavy box, I no longer have the ability. I feel vulnerable in public especially from strange men who make it a point to see if I'm wearing a wedding ring. I put on a cheap CZ eternity ring I have today as a sort of "magic underwear" to keep the wolves at bay.
At 5'10" and "big boned" (really), at 300+ pounds, I was imposing. Very few people messed with me. That I miss.
That said, putting on a size 16 jeans, or a seat-belt, or crossing my legs, not wondering if I'll fit into a restaurant booth, all of that? I like it. I do. So when my favorite jeans felt a little tight a few days ago, I panicked a bit.I don't want to go back. I don't want to be that obese person that people think it's okay to belittle and laugh at in public. The one who can't get up off the sofa that's four inches from the floor without help; the diabetic.
So it is about being comfortable, about being healthy, about not standing out in a crowd. Just being a regular person.
The hernia makes it hard for me to look normal, right now, but that will be fixed hopefully over the summer.
My face? It's another matter. The wrinkles came on fast. I feel like I look like a crone. Like this:
I look more likes this un-re-touched cell phone selfie. But I feel like ^ especially when I first get up without moisturizer or teeth (a whole other blog. Sigh.). This is how I
feel.
I feel that I aged in my face VERY RAPIDLY. I was always vain about my face, even when overweight. Now that I'm smaller, I think I may be even more vain but without any basis in fact to be that vain.
Sigh.
So the reality is, I like being smaller both in terms of health and comfort. And I want to stay that way. So that means giving up the carbs.The little girl inside me is having a tantrum, screaming, jumping, waving her arms, "NO! I don't want to! I don't want to! NYah!!!"
Very grown up.
So. I see the hematologist on Thursday. I had blood drawn this morning to check my blood count and iron and ferritin stores. If it goes in my favor, I hope to be getting an iron infusion, and soon, before I leave town. (*fingerscrossed*!) If I do, then I can resume exercising. I can build up my endurance and do some weight lifting for strength. I'm looking forward to it. I do tire very easily, however, and I have been having some heart irregularity--jumping around, skipping, etc. No bueno. No like. There is a full gym facility at the university I'll be attending, and it's FREE for students. I plan to take full advantage.
Also, once I have regular net access, I want to go back to My Fitness Pal and track every day. I don't have the time or money to do it regularly now, and the phone app repeatedly crashed my phone so I had to take it off.
I also hope to live close enough to campus to walk. And get a bike to ride to campus, the store, coffee shops, and so on.
I had a stress- and in-law-free Christmas and New Year's, and spent NYE at home watching a fab movie about David Foster Wallace, The End of the Tour. I highly recommend it especially if you are book and word lover and have any experience with depression. My favorite of the year, I need to get a copy for myself.
Also, I met a woman in my OM group who lives in the city where I'm moving to. We have plans to get together when I get up there. She'll be the first OM patient I'll have met outside of my doctor's waiting room. I'm looking forward to meeting her and having a chance to talk.
I also hope to find a therapist, a PhD is preferable, to help me with the carb and other food issues. I'm not doing that well on my own and I acknowledge it. AFter all, I didn't get to 351 pounds because I didn't have issues with food, or one asshole doctor once told me, "You didn't gain all that weight through immaculate conception." I never went back and was startled and somewhat amused to read his obituary about six months later after he died of a massive heart attack. There's no guarantees in this life, buddy. No guarantees.
So that's it for now. Well, I'm going to try making my breakfast clafouti into a savory dinner clafouti with sauteed mushrooms and spinach, Swiss cheese, diced ham, and the egg and milk and cream and almond flour liquid poured over and baked. It should come out nice, sort of like a quiche, and feed me for the week in a 9x13 pan. I like a hot dinner. I'll post a picture when it's up.
How were your holidays? How are you? Do you need to carb detox too? It's so hard to say no at the holidays, especially when you really don't want to. Am I right? Can I get an Amen? :-)
See you later.
