Tuesday, August 9, 2016

This Might Be It

I may be done here.

I've been the same weight within five pounds or so for seventeen months. I run anywhere from 171 to 185, depending on if I let carbs get the best of me, averaging around 178 most days. At 5'10" and with dense bones, it's a good weight for me. I wear a size 14.Things  have changed in so many ways:

  • Getting divorced. It will be final January 27, 2017, provided there are no hitches.
  • I went back to college, am working on an MA in English / Creative Writing. Had a 4.0 last semester.
  • I have my own apartment (yay!)
  • I have friends. A lot of friends.
  • I have worked part time, both editing and doing grocery store food sampling gigs
  • I'm dating (Yeah, I know!)
  • I workout nearly every day. I'm a walking fool--in the city or on the treadmill at the university gym. I love it. It helps a lot with stress and anger. The feeling I get when I walk out of there sweaty and sore is so awesome.
  • I'm healthy. Healthy!
Here's a couple of recent pictures:

I'm happy. This is the happiest time of my life in....years. Maybe...EVER. I am totally, authentically, 100% me, and living my life the way I want to live it, for once.

Life is good.

I don't know if I'll be back here. In the meantime, take what you need and leave the rest.

Wishing you only good things.

Monday, March 14, 2016

Two Year "Surgiversary"

Today is my two year anniversary of surgery for the duodenal switch with biliopancreatic diversion ("the DS")
HW 351
SW 316
CW 176
Height 5'10"

I've lost 180-175 lbs depending on the day. Insulin dependent diabetic=in remission. HBP is now low blood pressure. I walk at least 2.5 miles every day if not more. I feel great. I'm happy. I'm fully engaged with life. Thank you Dr. XYZ for making it all possible. <3

First pic, July 2009. Second, August 2014. I'm down about 15 lbs from the second pic--had to give away those pants (Gloria Vanderbilt. LOL First pair, ever.) Let's make this a good day.

July 2009, Arches National Park, Utah. I wanted to hike up there, but didn't have the ability.

Seal Beach Pier (and yeah, I walked it and back to the car blocks away. :-)

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Hello my little neglected blog....

I apologize for neglecting you but, honestly, I have been both busy and not in a state of mind to talk about food and stuff. I don't know if I can ever catch up on the last six weeks, so I'm going to go to my default option and...make a list.
  1. I had an IV Iron Infusion on Venofer, given over six hours. 
  2. That night I packed up the van and started my move to Northern California from Victorville(ish area), CA
  3. I lived in Motel 6 for 16 days.Good times. :-(
  4. I ate all my meals out. 
  5. I burned through money like a wildfire. 
  6. I ate carbs. More than I should, but not excessively.
  7. I started school
  8. I took the world's worst student ID photo.
  9. I ate carbs.
  10. I rented a small studio apartment. I love it.
  11. I walk to school, 1.25 miles each way.
  12. I ate A LOT of carbs
  13. I got Internet At Home! And all network TV on cable (it would cost more to have Internet by itself than a "package" with TV. *rolleyes* I get PBS, so there's that.)
  14. I had one sustained, two week meltdown. There was crying.
  15. I went to see a counselor on campus. She's good. No, GREAT.
  16. She sent me to an excellent shrink who upped my anti-depressant.
  17. Happiness ensued.
  18. I had a class scare the shit out of me so I dropped it
  19. I added a class that I love. I use my Kindle to access resources in-class, and as required by the Prof.
  20. I'm taking two creative writing classes; fiction and non-fiction
  21. I've met some interesting people. I hope to meet more.
  22. I've been invited to do some official writing for the university. *grin*
  23. I'm looking for a job P/T.
  24. I broke my phone. It was under warranty, they replaced it. They also talked me into a 10" tablet computer for $1- and only $10/mo. It runs on WiFi. I'm still playing with it. Will I like it better than the Kindle?
  25. My husband brought up (most of) the rest of my belongings this week.
  26. Things got broken as they do when he handles them. Sigh.
  27. My minimalist tidy apartment looks like a bomb went off.
  28. Do I really own that many fucking shoes???!!
  29. I have homework. I was caught up until yesterday.
  30. I used yesterday--no class for me--as a 'just for me' day. My writing classes have been divided into small workshop groups. My group did not meet yesterday, otherwise I'm on campus every day. So I used the time to sort and put stuff away, throw it away, or ready it to go to storage, and read Micheal Connelly's The Crossing. MC has his mojo back after that disastrous last novel.
  31. I told myself if I get caught up on homework today, I can have a slice of the best pizza in the world. But I have to walk there.
  32. Grin.
  33. I'm getting back into the swing of things.
  34. I love it here. (There's trees and green things!)

Monday, January 4, 2016

"...o'er the fields we go...carbing all the way!"

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JIngle All the Way...."

So I ate carbs. A lot of carbs. Not compared to what I ate as an obese person, but definitely more than I would as a post-op DS person. The fallout hasn't been too bad in terms of GI distress and weight gain. It's manageable. Of course it means a carb detox, but...whatever. It is what it is.

YOu know, I had this WLS in order to be healthier. It was never about appearances for me. Sometimes I questioned if I really believed that or if I were simply fooling myself. The answer is sort-of two-fold:  Yes, I did do it primarily to be healthy. Sometimes I miss my big heavy body, like when I'm trying to open a heavy door or pick up a heavy box, I no longer have the ability. I feel vulnerable in public especially from strange men who make it a point to see if I'm wearing a wedding ring. I put on a cheap CZ eternity ring I have today as a sort of "magic underwear" to keep the wolves at bay.

At 5'10" and "big boned" (really), at 300+ pounds, I was imposing. Very few people messed with me. That I miss.

That said, putting on a size 16 jeans, or a seat-belt, or crossing my legs, not wondering if I'll fit into a restaurant booth, all of that? I like it. I do. So when my favorite jeans felt a little tight a few days ago, I panicked a bit.I don't want to go back. I don't want to be that obese person that people think it's okay to belittle and laugh at in public. The one who can't get up off the sofa that's four inches from the floor without help; the diabetic.

So it is about being comfortable, about being healthy, about not standing out in a crowd. Just being a regular person.

The hernia makes it hard for me to look normal, right now, but that will be fixed hopefully over the summer.

My face? It's another matter. The wrinkles came on fast. I feel like I look like a crone. Like this:

I look more likes this un-re-touched cell phone selfie. But I feel like ^ especially when I first get up without moisturizer or teeth (a whole other blog. Sigh.). This is how I feel.

I feel that I aged in my face VERY RAPIDLY. I was always vain about my face, even when overweight. Now that I'm smaller, I think I may be even more vain but without any basis in fact to be that vain.


So the reality is, I like being smaller both in terms of health and comfort. And I want to stay that way. So that means giving up the carbs.The little girl inside me is having a tantrum, screaming, jumping, waving her arms, "NO! I don't want to! I don't want to! NYah!!!"

Very grown up.

So. I see the hematologist on Thursday. I had blood drawn this morning to check my blood count and iron and ferritin stores. If it goes in my favor, I hope to be getting an iron infusion, and soon, before I leave town. (*fingerscrossed*!) If I do, then I can resume exercising. I can build up my endurance and do some weight lifting for strength. I'm looking forward to it. I do tire very easily, however, and I have been having some heart irregularity--jumping around, skipping, etc. No bueno. No like. There is a full gym facility at the university I'll be attending, and it's FREE for students. I plan to take full advantage.

Also, once I have regular net access, I want to go back to My Fitness Pal and track every day. I don't have the time or money to do it regularly now, and the phone app repeatedly crashed my phone so I had to take it off.

I also hope to live close enough to campus to walk.  And get a bike to ride to campus, the store, coffee shops, and so on.

I had a stress- and in-law-free Christmas and New Year's, and spent NYE at home watching a fab movie about David Foster Wallace, The End of the Tour. I highly recommend it especially if you are book and word lover and have any experience with depression. My favorite of the year, I need to get a copy for myself.

Also, I met a woman in my OM group who lives in the city where I'm moving to. We have plans to get together when I get up there. She'll be the first OM patient I'll have met outside of my doctor's waiting room. I'm looking forward to meeting her and having a chance to talk.

I also hope to find a therapist, a PhD is preferable, to help me with the carb and other food issues. I'm not doing that well on my own and I acknowledge it. AFter all, I didn't get to 351 pounds because I didn't have issues with food, or one asshole doctor once told me, "You didn't gain all that weight through immaculate conception." I never went back and was startled and somewhat amused to read his obituary about six months later after he died of a massive heart attack. There's no guarantees in this life, buddy. No guarantees. 

So that's it for now. Well, I'm going to try making my breakfast clafouti into a savory dinner clafouti with sauteed mushrooms and spinach, Swiss cheese, diced ham, and the egg and milk and cream and almond flour liquid poured over and baked. It should come out nice, sort of like a quiche, and feed me for the week in a 9x13 pan. I like a hot dinner. I'll post a picture when it's up.

How were your holidays? How are you? Do you need to carb detox too? It's so hard to say no at the holidays, especially when you really don't want to. Am I right? Can I get an Amen? :-)

See you later.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Merry Christmas

Good cheer from me to you and yours.

I'll be taking a break for the next week or so to spend time doing holiday stuff, being with family, and so on.

See you then.


Saturday, December 12, 2015

Less Whining, More Gratitude

Here's a gratitude list for today, Saturday, December 12, 2015

  • Warm comfortable home where I can safely sleep in peace with the kitties, warm and dry
  • Good, healthy food to eat
  • A safe place to cook the food
  • Hot showers
  • Diabetes remission
  • Good friends
  • Both my parents are alive and thriving
  • Kitties who love me
  • Snow
  • Sunshine
  • High winds (hey, I wasn't going to rake those leaves ;-) )
  • A car that looks like hell but still starts (*fingerscrossed*)
  • Hot water / showers
  • Clearance sales
  • Nivea hydrating lotion--my hands and feet feel fabulous (thanks, Mom!)
  • Good smelling soap
  • Good coffee
  • Books and also the Kindle
  • the Library, OMG, what took me so long to get a card?
  • Anti-depressants and -anxiety meds
  • Caramel apple pie low carb yogurt
  • Eggs
  • R
  • Hats (it was so cold last night, I wore one to bed. I slept like a baby.)
  • Tim Conway Jr. show (7 - 10, M-F, KFI am 640. He's funny as hell.)
  • Whipped cream
  • Sunshine
  • Mountains
  • Kindness of friends and strangers
  • Christmas (and gatherings)
  • This computer
  • There's more, but that's what I've got right now.


Off to Ventura County to visit with my dad and step-family.

Friday, December 11, 2015


I went to town yesterday to get the mail (junk mail only; no "magic"), and then down the street to the grocery store. I got the tomatillo salsa for my pork tacos (which were fantastic BTW), and I got two maple glazed raised donuts . I brought them home, made coffee, ate them slowly, and enjoyed every damn bite. The result?  Down another pound.  LOL

Of course, once I had eaten them, I wanted MORE. So I had a yogurt and a piece of clafouti later.

Today? The donut craving is gone. I scratched the itch.

No guilt. No regret. Obsession petered out.

Weird, right?