This Might Be It

I may be done here.

I've been the same weight within five pounds or so for seventeen months. I run anywhere from 171 to 185, depending on if I let carbs get the best of me, averaging around 178 most days. At 5'10" and with dense bones, it's a good weight for me. I wear a size 14.Things  have changed in so many ways:

• Getting divorced. It will be final January 27, 2017, provided there are no hitches.
• I went back to college, am working on an MA in English / Creative Writing. Had a 4.0 last semester.
• I have my own apartment (yay!)
• I have friends. A lot of friends.
• I have worked part time, both editing and doing grocery store food sampling gigs
• I'm dating (Yeah, I know!)
• I workout nearly every day. I'm a walking fool--in the city or on the treadmill at the university gym. I love it. It helps a lot with stress and anger. The feeling I get when I walk out of there sweaty and sore is so awesome.
• I'm healthy. Healthy!

Here's a couple of recent pictures:

I'm happy. This is the happiest time of my life in....years. Maybe...EVER. I am totally, authentically, 100% me, and living my life the way I want to live it, for once.

Life is good.

I don't know if I'll be back here. In the meantime, take what you need and leave the rest.

Wishing you only good things.

Two Year "Surgiversary"

Today is my two year anniversary of surgery for the duodenal switch with biliopancreatic diversion ("the DS")
HW 351
SW 316
CW 176
Height 5'10"

I've lost 180-175 lbs depending on the day. Insulin dependent diabetic=in remission. HBP is now low blood pressure. I walk at least 2.5 miles every day if not more. I feel great. I'm happy. I'm fully engaged with life. Thank you Dr. XYZ for making it all possible. <3

First pic, July 2009. Second, August 2014. I'm down about 15 lbs from the second pic--had to give away those pants (Gloria Vanderbilt. LOL First pair, ever.) Let's make this a good day.

July 2009, Arches National Park, Utah. I wanted to hike up there, but didn't have the ability.

Seal Beach Pier (and yeah, I walked it and back to the car blocks away. :-)

Hello my little neglected blog....

I apologize for neglecting you but, honestly, I have been both busy and not in a state of mind to talk about food and stuff. I don't know if I can ever catch up on the last six weeks, so I'm going to go to my default option and...make a list.

1. I had an IV Iron Infusion on Venofer, given over six hours. 
2. That night I packed up the van and started my move to Northern California from Victorville(ish area), CA
3. I lived in Motel 6 for 16 days.Good times. :-(
4. I ate all my meals out. 
5. I burned through money like a wildfire. 
6. I ate carbs. More than I should, but not excessively.
7. I started school
8. I took the world's worst student ID photo.
9. I ate carbs.
10. I rented a small studio apartment. I love it.
11. I walk to school, 1.25 miles each way.
12. I ate A LOT of carbs
13. I got Internet At Home! And all network TV on cable (it would cost more to have Internet by itself than a "package" with TV. *rolleyes* I get PBS, so there's that.)
14. I had one sustained, two week meltdown. There was crying.
15. I went to see a counselor on campus. She's good. No, GREAT.
16. She sent me to an excellent shrink who upped my anti-depressant.
17. Happiness ensued.
18. I had a class scare the shit out of me so I dropped it
19. I added a class that I love. I use my Kindle to access resources in-class, and as required by the Prof.
20. I'm taking two creative writing classes; fiction and non-fiction
21. I've met some interesting people. I hope to meet more.
22. I've been invited to do some official writing for the university. *grin*
23. I'm looking for a job P/T.
24. I broke my phone. It was under warranty, they replaced it. They also talked me into a 10" tablet computer for $1- and only $10/mo. It runs on WiFi. I'm still playing with it. Will I like it better than the Kindle?
25. My husband brought up (most of) the rest of my belongings this week.
26. Things got broken as they do when he handles them. Sigh.
27. My minimalist tidy apartment looks like a bomb went off.
28. Do I really own that many fucking shoes???!!
29. I have homework. I was caught up until yesterday.
30. I used yesterday--no class for me--as a 'just for me' day. My writing classes have been divided into small workshop groups. My group did not meet yesterday, otherwise I'm on campus every day. So I used the time to sort and put stuff away, throw it away, or ready it to go to storage, and read Micheal Connelly's The Crossing. MC has his mojo back after that disastrous last novel.
31. I told myself if I get caught up on homework today, I can have a slice of the best pizza in the world. But I have to walk there.
32. Grin.
33. I'm getting back into the swing of things.
34. I love it here. (There's trees and green things!)

"...o'er the fields we go...carbing all the way!"

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JIngle All the Way...."

So I ate carbs. A lot of carbs. Not compared to what I ate as an obese person, but definitely more than I would as a post-op DS person. The fallout hasn't been too bad in terms of GI distress and weight gain. It's manageable. Of course it means a carb detox, but...whatever. It is what it is.

YOu know, I had this WLS in order to be healthier. It was never about appearances for me. Sometimes I questioned if I really believed that or if I were simply fooling myself. The answer is sort-of two-fold:  Yes, I did do it primarily to be healthy. Sometimes I miss my big heavy body, like when I'm trying to open a heavy door or pick up a heavy box, I no longer have the ability. I feel vulnerable in public especially from strange men who make it a point to see if I'm wearing a wedding ring. I put on a cheap CZ eternity ring I have today as a sort of "magic underwear" to keep the wolves at bay.

At 5'10" and "big boned" (really), at 300+ pounds, I was imposing. Very few people messed with me. That I miss.

That said, putting on a size 16 jeans, or a seat-belt, or crossing my legs, not wondering if I'll fit into a restaurant booth, all of that? I like it. I do. So when my favorite jeans felt a little tight a few days ago, I panicked a bit.I don't want to go back. I don't want to be that obese person that people think it's okay to belittle and laugh at in public. The one who can't get up off the sofa that's four inches from the floor without help; the diabetic.

So it is about being comfortable, about being healthy, about not standing out in a crowd. Just being a regular person.

The hernia makes it hard for me to look normal, right now, but that will be fixed hopefully over the summer.

My face? It's another matter. The wrinkles came on fast. I feel like I look like a crone. Like this:

I look more likes this un-re-touched cell phone selfie. But I feel like ^ especially when I first get up without moisturizer or teeth (a whole other blog. Sigh.). This is how I feel.

I feel that I aged in my face VERY RAPIDLY. I was always vain about my face, even when overweight. Now that I'm smaller, I think I may be even more vain but without any basis in fact to be that vain.

Sigh.

So the reality is, I like being smaller both in terms of health and comfort. And I want to stay that way. So that means giving up the carbs.The little girl inside me is having a tantrum, screaming, jumping, waving her arms, "NO! I don't want to! I don't want to! NYah!!!"

Very grown up.

So. I see the hematologist on Thursday. I had blood drawn this morning to check my blood count and iron and ferritin stores. If it goes in my favor, I hope to be getting an iron infusion, and soon, before I leave town. (*fingerscrossed*!) If I do, then I can resume exercising. I can build up my endurance and do some weight lifting for strength. I'm looking forward to it. I do tire very easily, however, and I have been having some heart irregularity--jumping around, skipping, etc. No bueno. No like. There is a full gym facility at the university I'll be attending, and it's FREE for students. I plan to take full advantage.

Also, once I have regular net access, I want to go back to My Fitness Pal and track every day. I don't have the time or money to do it regularly now, and the phone app repeatedly crashed my phone so I had to take it off.

I also hope to live close enough to campus to walk.  And get a bike to ride to campus, the store, coffee shops, and so on.

I had a stress- and in-law-free Christmas and New Year's, and spent NYE at home watching a fab movie about David Foster Wallace, The End of the Tour. I highly recommend it especially if you are book and word lover and have any experience with depression. My favorite of the year, I need to get a copy for myself.

Also, I met a woman in my OM group who lives in the city where I'm moving to. We have plans to get together when I get up there. She'll be the first OM patient I'll have met outside of my doctor's waiting room. I'm looking forward to meeting her and having a chance to talk.

I also hope to find a therapist, a PhD is preferable, to help me with the carb and other food issues. I'm not doing that well on my own and I acknowledge it. AFter all, I didn't get to 351 pounds because I didn't have issues with food, or one asshole doctor once told me, "You didn't gain all that weight through immaculate conception." I never went back and was startled and somewhat amused to read his obituary about six months later after he died of a massive heart attack. There's no guarantees in this life, buddy. No guarantees. 

So that's it for now. Well, I'm going to try making my breakfast clafouti into a savory dinner clafouti with sauteed mushrooms and spinach, Swiss cheese, diced ham, and the egg and milk and cream and almond flour liquid poured over and baked. It should come out nice, sort of like a quiche, and feed me for the week in a 9x13 pan. I like a hot dinner. I'll post a picture when it's up.

How were your holidays? How are you? Do you need to carb detox too? It's so hard to say no at the holidays, especially when you really don't want to. Am I right? Can I get an Amen? :-)

See you later.

Merry Christmas

Good cheer from me to you and yours.

I'll be taking a break for the next week or so to spend time doing holiday stuff, being with family, and so on.

See you then.

Jules

Less Whining, More Gratitude

Here's a gratitude list for today, Saturday, December 12, 2015

• Warm comfortable home where I can safely sleep in peace with the kitties, warm and dry
• Good, healthy food to eat
• A safe place to cook the food
• Hot showers
• Diabetes remission
• Good friends
• Both my parents are alive and thriving
• Kitties who love me
• Snow
• Sunshine
• High winds (hey, I wasn't going to rake those leaves ;-) )
• A car that looks like hell but still starts (*fingerscrossed*)
• Hot water / showers
• Clearance sales
• Nivea hydrating lotion--my hands and feet feel fabulous (thanks, Mom!)
• Good smelling soap
• Good coffee
• Books and also the Kindle
• the Library, OMG, what took me so long to get a card?
• Anti-depressants and -anxiety meds
• Caramel apple pie low carb yogurt
• Eggs
• R
• Hats (it was so cold last night, I wore one to bed. I slept like a baby.)
• Tim Conway Jr. show (7 - 10, M-F, KFI am 640. He's funny as hell.)
• Whipped cream
• Sunshine
• Mountains
• Kindness of friends and strangers
• Christmas (and gatherings)
• This computer
• There's more, but that's what I've got right now.

Cheers.

Off to Ventura County to visit with my dad and step-family.

Donuts

I went to town yesterday to get the mail (junk mail only; no "magic"), and then down the street to the grocery store. I got the tomatillo salsa for my pork tacos (which were fantastic BTW), and I got two maple glazed raised donuts . I brought them home, made coffee, ate them slowly, and enjoyed every damn bite. The result?  Down another pound.  LOL

Of course, once I had eaten them, I wanted MORE. So I had a yogurt and a piece of clafouti later.

Today? The donut craving is gone. I scratched the itch.

No guilt. No regret. Obsession petered out.

Weird, right?

:-)

Physical Carb Cravings Have Eased

The mental? Notsomuch.

I went out to the post office last night and then to the grocery for sour cream to have with my pork tacos last night. I didn't eat them, though. I had yogurt and clafouti for dinner. But I walked by the donut case. They had maple glazed donuts, and that I love. I looked at them with longing. A woman and her son were picking out donuts at the time or several of those donuts would have come home with me.

And I don't even like maple. But I like that maple frosting they put on donuts.

I walked around the store trying to distract myself and get something else.

Bacon:  In the basket.

Gelato:  In the basket

 (ice cream not only does nothing bad to me, it doesn't interfere with weight loss. I'm serious. Now that I've said this, I'm sure I'll get a lactose allergy by tomorrow. *snort*)

Looked at:  Frozen pies, frozen pizza, frozen taquitos; fruit; meat; yogurt; cheese; sausage. And still wanted a mutherf*cking maple dammit glazed freaking donut.

I felt like a heroin addict trying to score. I'm serious.

I put my ass in line and got the hell out of there.

Driving home, I almost turned around twice to go back for the donuts and some tomatillo salsa that I like on pork tacos. Then I remembered the gelato, which would melt if I did that, and the sun had just gone down and the cats needed to be brought inside and given wet fud. I decided that if by 8 o'clock, I still wanted the donut, I could go get it, or two. So about three hours.

The three hours came and went, and I still wanted the donut, but I didn't go. I was reading a book. I just kept reading.

I went to bed.

I still wanted the donut.

I ate the gelato instead. Sea Salt Carmel. Pretty damn good. Delish.

I still want the donut(s).

WTF?

Then I saw on my surgeon's FB group that anemia can cause carb cravings. I've been anemic since....June, I think. Months.

My weight is down from yesterday, about .8 of a pound, but down.

Jeezus I'm a mess.

Am I ever going to be okay? Gah.

Dammit.

Carb Detox, Day 3.

 Cravings are down, waaaay down.

Yesterday was the worst day. I felt angry and so sad about not being able to eat a whole box of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies that I honestly felt like I could cry…but I didn’t. But I was cranky, yeah.

I had a late therapy appointment last night and on my way home I decided to stop at Big & Nasty to see if I could find a book I want on clearance. It’s been out for a while and book III is due out in June, so it should have been on a clearance table…but it’s a small store, so they didn’t have it. (Stephen King’s Finder’s Keepers, the second book in the Bill Hodges trilogy, book I being Mr. Mercedes.) I actually have the Kindle version reserved from the library, and I’m next in line to get it, but I want to read it NOW. LOL

So I got a cup of coffee at the Schnuttbucks in the back of the store, gazing longingly at the bakery case items, and then wandered around hoping to find my book. Then I started getting hungry and I started thinking about foo. I decided I should leave otherwise that bakery case was going to be calling me like a siren.

I got in the car and started thinking about dinner. I had stuff at home I could eat, but I was really hungry. I have these moments where I feel as if I don’t eat something, I may eat the first thing I get my hands on. Not a good place to be away from home.

I started running through my litany of food places I could go to for a “snack” on my way home:  Del Taco for a cheese quesadilla or a beef burrito; Panera for a chicken salad; In ‘N Out for a bunless burger…then thought about the money; I’ve already overspent for the month, so I need to watch every penny. Just go home Jules, and eat the food you already purchased.” So I did.

Earlier in the day I was craving something sweet, so I rifled through the pantry and found some sesame cashews I’d gotten at Trader Joe’s a while back. I ate a handful of them. Very satisfying.

As I was snuggled in bed last night with the cats, reading on my Kindle, the carb cravings hit. I started mentally inventorying all the food in the house. There was nothing I wanted. Well, there was one thing, but it meant getting the toaster out etc., and I wasn’t up for that (Eggos. Yeah. I bought them, and ate a few, last week.) So I decided to just go to sleep and see how I felt in the morning.

This morning? Starving. I ate two yogurts back-to-back. And I’m thinking about the next course already. LOL I’m craving protein so I know my body is kicking into weight loss mode. And this morning? Down two pounds from yesterday, and down eight pounds from the 1^st. Yay.

So I feel good about today. I’m not craving carbs, like…obsessing about them. Would I like some cookies? Sure, who wouldn’t. But not today. Not. Today.

Carb Detoxing. Again.

The struggle is real. Cliche, but true.

This was my response to a "what's your motivation" post on one of my DS groups.

"Detox from carbs. I had super bad PMS last week and if it slowed down long enough, I ate it. frown emoticon Three days for the detox (cravings stop). UGH."

It got to the point where I was eating things not because I was hungry or even wanted them, but because I could. I had given myself mental permission to run wild. Not good.

So I said fine, if you're going to do this, there needs to be an end date, and I decided the end date was Sunday at 11:59 pm.

So this morning, of course, I wanted carbs. That's how it works. But I am sticking to my guns so far. Yogurt for breakfast, (Dannon Lite and Fit Caramel Apple Pie--my favorite. I have ten in the fridge.). some low carb clafouti with whipped cream; coffee with HWC, cup #3 just now.

I have to go out in a bit, so I'm thinking about lunch. Planning is a better word. I'm planning for lunch. One of my stops is going to be Target to get a pescription, and they have the best prices on HWC and whipped cream and eggs, so I'll be picking those up.Also coffee. They also have these protein packs, I guess from Hormel? I don't know. It's like diced chicken, turkey, or ham, cubed cheese, nuts, and they have them for $1.57. That's the cheapest price I've seen anywhere. I'm going to grab half a dozen to keep in the fridge for grab and go.

I really felt like I was an out-of-control crazy person. Mini-panic attacks; disturbed sleep; anxiety; fearfulness; overwhelmed with it all; weepy; depressed; and yeah, I went there, suicide. It's the depressive's last card. I was thinking about it a lot. Then I was thinking about Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. If you haven't read it, you MUST. He survived the Nazi camps. He survived them by finding meaning for his life even while still a prisoner, starved, beaten, humiliated. So while my depression-wired brain was thinking of reasons to take ALL the pills, the sensible side of me was thinking of something else: Who would suffer from my loss most? And the answer was my cats. They depend on me. Food, shelter, love, health. They are, in a way, like children, only with a lot less maintenance (although litter boxes are the bane of my existence). They were my meaning while I waited for the crazy mood swings to pass.

I started my period last night. Only 24 days since the last one. I used to have them around the 20th like clockwork, but the D&C I had in October, which was supposed to "kickstart menopause" (ha ha ha. I laugh.) simply reset the clock. I had a period 24 days later. It just moved the clock forward. Why my gynecologist, and who I saw last week for a six-week post-surgery checkup, didn't offer me something to help with the crazy, I don't know. And I was so depressed it didn't occur to me to ask. But my therapist said to talk to my PCP about it. I'm going to this week. I was too anxious (and angry) to go last week (he takes walk-ins.)

I cannot live like this. I really can't. I need some type of medical/chemical intervention. I'm tired of having periods. I'm over fifty for fucks' sake!! Enough, already. 

So anyways...the ideation has passed, along with most of the craziness (I function at a moderate level of crazy most of the time), and I've given myself permission to eat anything I want providing that it's protein. 

My father invited me to a party at his house this Saturday, and I want to look good and not have gas and diarrhea (as I have all week) while I'm there. My step-relations will be there. I haven't seen them in years, and I weigh about 150 lbs less. I'm wondering how they'll react. If past behavior is any predictor of future behavior, they'll be jerks about it, either passively aggressively, outright rude, or maybe, maybe, kindly. We'll see. I'm going to spend time with my dad. And let's face it, free food. They usually do prime rib for their Christmas parties. My dad just turned 77...I don't want to have any regrets if anything should happen once I move away. We've had some good visits here lately.

So that's where I am. If you'd like to leave some supportive or understanding comments, they would be most welcome.

Thanks for reading.

***
So far so good today:

Yogurt
LC Clafouti w/whipped cream
3 eggs, scrambled
coffee w/ HWC
Nuts w/dried cranberries
Protein box at Starbucks (not including "biscuit" and wtf?) (boiled egg, cheese, peanut butter, apple slices, grapes)
SF Peppermint mocha, breve
Three squares of chocolate.
homemade steak with bleu cheese
piece of LC/SF homemade pumpkin pie w/whipped cream
iced teas

***

My Christmas party outfit:

Blouse, size L, from Charlotte Russe. My first ever piece of clothing from their store (birthday present).

Slacks I got yesterday at Kohl's for $6.00 (Six Dollars). I am not kidding. A picture of the tag follows. They are Gloria Vanderbilt and they look fantastic on.

Where Have I Been?

I've been, and still am in, crazy hormone carb land. I'll be back when the crazy and the carbs go away.

That is all.

Soothing With Food

I'm stressed.

Duh.

A lot going on.

I would like to soothe and comfort myself with food.

I can't. I'm full.

If I weren't full, would I still try to soothe with food?

Probably, but with different choices.

I want to eat all the things. Gingerbread, frosted cupcakes, chocolate chip chunk cookies, pumpkin spice cake.

Yes, carbs and sugar.

I won't, though, even though I'm full. I have pumpkin pie at home, cherry clafouti, whipped cream, salmon is defrosting in the fridge for later. Even knowing all these things, I still want to soothe with food because I am so stressed and anxious.

I feel like crying too, and I'm having cramps (I never have cramps). It's a little early for TMoTM, but that's what it feels like. I wish it would just stop already, jeesuz. My back hurts, too.

Carb cravings. Cramps. Teary-eyed. Sounds like hormones exacerbated by stress.

Huh.

I'm glad we had this talk.

SF Pumpkin Pie, With Crust

***UPDATE 11 24 15***
We had some of the pie last night. The filling is delicious and so is the crust. But.The crust sticks to the pan and gets soggy.

I am thinking that perhaps baking the crust separately, perhaps like a flat cookie--roll into balls and then flatten on parchment on a cookie sheet--then serving it with the crustless pie is the way to go. We'll see. I thought I'd "warn" you in advance.

Cheers

***

I love me some pumpkin pie. If made without a crust and baking splenda mix, it has very few carbs, about 4 carbs. And pumpkin has a little protein. And it makes me feel like I'm enjoying fall, especially since Starbucks refuses to make a SF version of their Pumpkin Spice Latte (effers). So I have made about three pumpkin pies in the last month. I have 1/8 about five nights a week with whipped cream.

So this week, I had an idea: What if I took the Almond Crust from Deb at Smitten Kitchen's almond crisped peaches and used it to make a crust for a pumpkin pie? So I made it last night. I pre-baked it for fifteen minutes at 350 so it would be solid enough to hold the liquid pie puree. And it came out!! And the smell, wonderful. I finally feel like the holidays are here. So if you want some pumpkin pie, and you're watching your carbs or calories, make this. I mean it. It's that good. And incredibly easy.

I make the Libby's Famous Pumpkin Pie (this recipe is for two pies, so if making one, cut in half), use baking Splenda blend instead of sugar, and 6 ounces 2% milk and 6 ounces of HWC instead of evaporated milk (low carbs, I just prefer the taste of the HWC). And make the almond crust, and pat it into a pie plate with your hands. No need to Pam or grease your pie plate as there is a ton of butter in the almond crust.

I also make it all in one bowl:  add pumpkin puree, spices, eggs, beat with a handwhisk: add in milk and HWC, beat with whisk until blended, pour into crust. Voila!

Enjoy!!

Witness to Obesity

My husband showed up out of the blue early yesterday morning. He's off all Thanksgiving week. I knew he was coming down, I didn't realize it would be Saturday. Whatever.

We went out late in the afternoon for a cheap early dinner at a Burger joint, and then over to Barnes and Noble.

We wandered around, separately, for a while. I probably spent an hour or so just browsing, taking pictures of books I was interested in, some I'd like to get for my nieces for Christmas, and so on. And it was just good to be out of the house, ya know?

Anyhoo, like most B&N's, this one has a Starbucks. They are also partnered with The Cheesecake Factory and they had this giant sized poster with a photo of a big slice of pumpkin cheesecake. I love both pumpkin and cheesecake, and had I had an extra $5-, I would've gotten a piece. Instead, I sat down with a hair magazine (I need to do something with this mess called "hair") looking at short haircuts, and then Inc. Magazine that an an interesting story on a CEO who decided every employee at his company should make at least $70,000 per year. It was a great story on how he came to that decision, how he accomplished it (paid for it), and the result (profits are up). If you get a chance I highly recommend it.

At any rate, I'm sitting there, reading, and this short round man sat down across from me. And as I looked over at his table, I noticed that he had a sandwich of some type in a basket; a big piece of pumpkin cheesecake that he had already started on, and a carmel frappucino. And I thought to myself:  That's a lot of carbs.

My second thought was, I wonder if the cheesecake is any good?

And he was eating it in a way that both reminded me of myself, and as if he were a drug addict self-medicating. Both were true.

I remember having those eating parties, although I rarely did mine in public, how I would plan for them, meticulously select the menu to please all those food cravings that were actually manifested feelings of insecurity, fear, anxiety, and mediocrity. And I was so glad that for the most part, I am not that person anymore.

Oh, sure, I have my moments, but to eat what he ate? It wouldn't fit. And then I would be sick for days. The cheesecake I probably could've pulled off, but I was already full from dinner anyway, and you know what? Cheesecake will always be there if I really want some. Or I can make my own only LC/SF. And have (altho not pumpkin flavor).

And I really felt badly for the guy. Not pity, no, more of an understanding that whatever was bothering him about himself and his life he was trying to tamp down with all of that food. He ate it all and then left when he was about halfway through his frappo.

I get it. I totally get it. And without surgical intervention, I might still be that person. I'm coming up on two years since the surgery, and I have changed SO much. I make better choices and decisions now almost without thinking. I think about consequences both in terms of immediate (sickness), long term (weight loss) and being out of control. I don't ever want to be that person again.

For me, this was really never about appearance, but health, and stepping away from crazy behavior, and I think for the most part I've been successful. And my goal is to continue that into the future.

I don't have to be "that guy" ever again. And I don't want to.

Hematology Update

So I met with the hematologist, and based on my most recent labs in August, he said an iron infusion is indicated with a bariatric surgery diagnosis; however, MEDI-CAL will NOT pay for an iron infusion until my hemoglobin hits 10 or below. It is currently 11.7. He agreed that it was not an informed decision on the part of Medi-Cal, but that his hands were tired. He asked me to come back in January, and get my labs done before I come in.

That's all we can do. I can't pay cash, it would be in the thousands of dollars. So I wait.

Hematology Appointment, At Last

I've forgotten if I promised a post on something and just haven't gotten it done. I'll have to read through my posts to see.

I am going to the hematologist today, and I am a wreck. The anxiety started yesterday afternoon. It is crippling. I got into bed about 5 o'clock and read (fiction turns off my brain) until bed time, then I took my meds and read until I passed out, Kindle in hand.

The anxiety is less today, enough that I'll be able to function, i.e., shower, dress, drive to appointment, but not enough that I may not cry during the appointment depending on the doctor's words (I could cry either way, helpful or not helpful words). But I am anxious, no doubt about it.

I also ate like nuclear war was impending yesterday--I dropped five pounds in two days, don't ask me how--and I was shoving food in like it was my last day to eat. I had two servings of LC/SF pumpkin pie that I make with HWC. I've been craving gingerbread and that seems to soothe the urge (recipe at the bottom). I had yogurt (Dannon's lite & fit caramel apple pie. I've bought every single container at the two local grocery stores that carry it--it is a "seasonal" item and will eventually be discontinued. Then I'll be sad.) Two ham/salami/havarti/1/4 dill pickle roll-ups--like a sandwich with no bread. Next time I need some dip to go with it, Caesar dressing, vinaigrette, something. Two pieces of my LC clafouti (recipe on my WLS blog) with whipped cream; a handful of Cheeto's; another yogurt; a honeycrisp apple (I usually have with peanut butter but I'm out); I think that's it. I feel like I ate about every 1 - 2 hours. I was still hungry at 11:00 pm while I was reading, so I told myself that if I got to 11:30 still awake, I could have some food, but I fell asleep. And woke up hungry. LOL

So anyway. Back to the hematologist. I have a folder of stuff I've been compiling in my five month quest to be evaluated for bariatric surgery related iron deficiency anemia. I have:

• Labs from Nov 2014 (oldest)
• Labs from Aug 2015 (newest)
• Hysteroscopy report from 10/15/15 which says "anemia" under "medical conditions"
• A peer-reviewed article on bariatric surgery related iron deficiency anemia
• A peer-reviewed article on obsesity and malnutrition
• A letter from my surgeon recommending evaluation for IV iron infusions
• A pamphlet from ProFerrin on their heme iron, and which I used to take (when I stopped taking it, my ferritin saturation actually did not go down any further. Weird.)
• My referral from my PCP
• I'm hoping this will be enough, or that he'll just take me seriously from the get go (as if. My experience with doctors lately has been rather adversarial.)

The "deferred reward system" (DRS) seems to work for me--I promise myself a reward if I do something I either don't want to do or am too anxious to do. So my DRS for this outing is lunch out. Nothing fancy, but something yummy, healthy, and that I don't eat regularly. I'll see what's near the doctor's office (about an hour away--the closest hema who takes my shitty Medi-Cal.). I'm so anxious I feel like I'm shaking inside. 

And this is what R did for me. He always went with me to doctor appointments. I used to think it was he because he was being over-protective. Now I recognize it for what it was: I wanted him to go because he could prop me up and reduce the anxiety. Nothing like 6'2", 250 lbs of angry German/Swedish guy to see that people behave courteously. He didn't have to say or do anything most of the time. Just his presence was enough. I didn't realize how much I leaned on him for this type of support. I've got to re-learn how to do this myself. I am learning it, but it is hard. OMG.

There is no bad guy in the end of this marriage--R and I are still on friendly terms, he even called me on my birthday. (I got my usual gift of "nothing" just like every other year, really....ok, maybe a little bitterness on my end.) We were always friends and I hope we can stay friends. So far we are. 

Oh my goodness, this anxiety is so energy-draining. I know that anemia can contribute to depression, one of many contributing factors....sigh.

One last thing:  What if I don't have my shit together, i.e., mental health, by the time school starts? I can fake it til I make it, I just don't want to suck at it. LOL

OK. I need to shower. The warm water will be nice. It's been near freezing here at night--three of the cats sleep on the bed with me. Pascal is the last holdout, although he did get on the bed with me last night when it was just me on there, so that's an improvement. My elderly gentleman, my sweet, thirteen-year-old lover boy (pic at top of blog). I hate him thinking he's been left out. I'm giving him extra TLC. I think it's working.

Wish me luck. (Do you think I might even get an infusion today? Is that possible? I sure feel shitty and I really want to go for a long walk, but have been advised against it due to the anemia. I'll have access to a full gym as a student when I start Spring semester. I'm SO excited to get in there...but need to get this handled first. I'll report back when I get home.)

Have a good day!

--Sparkly Bundle of Nerves

 Libby's Famous Pumpkin Pie, Low Carb, Sugar Free

 I make this ^ pie. It's the one I grew up with so comfort and memories. This is how I make it now:

• No crust (I don't miss it, really)
• replace sugar with baking Splenda (equivalent amount--1 c sugar = 1 c Splenda)
• I use 8 ounces 2% milk and 4 ounces HWC (heavy whipping cream)

That's it. Bake as directed.

I did notice, however, that evaporated milk has almost no carbs, so I'm going to try it with my next pie, which will be soon as I only have one serving left. I may still add some HWC, we'll see what the texture is like.

Let me know if you make it and how you like it. 

Cheers.

PS:  Here is the nutrition info for one can of Libby's packed pumpkin (just plain; not the pie filling).

What Fresh New Hell is This?

I started my period yesterday.

WTF?

I had the diagnostic D&C with hysteroscopy on October 15, which was just a few days before my regularly scheduled period on the 20th, so after getting scraped out, I didn't have one. So here it is, yesterday, just November 9th, and I'm menstruating? And it's a BAD one. I wonder if I should call the gyn? Of course, I'll leave a message and no one will ever call me back so...what the hell. It's a bad period.

Come on, body. You're really screwing up here. Most women would have started menopause by now. I'm too old to have a baby if you're busy prepping for one every month uterus *ahem*, as much as I would love to have one, it's just not a good idea. That's what nieces are for. And you know, also there's the little matter of access to sperm, which ain't happening *ahem*, but really? It's just time for this to be over. It's been forty years. Forty fucking years of this crap every month. Don't you think it's time to cash it in??

Your purpose here is done. Vamoose, buh bye, adios, dasvodanya, nobody likes you, hit the road! Seriously; sod off!

I mean it.

No cramps. No back pain. No nothing, just blood. Lots and lots of chunky blood. Oy vey es mere.

For sale: One uterus, used but in good working condition. All serious offers considered.

I can't talk more, I need to go change my tampon and napkin so I don't bleed all over my clean sheets, comforter, and favorite jammies.

UGH.

Referrals

Well, I finally got a referral to not just a hernia repair surgeon, but a hematologist. It was a bit of a struggle, I fortunately had thought to bring written evidence of my desire for an IV iron infusion, and he shook his head and thought, it appeared to me, “what the hell.” As soon as I got out to the car I called and made an appointment. It’s during Thanksgiving week, so hopefully I can get infused (if I do, in fact, need one as I presume), by Christmas so pre-move.

So I was given not one, not two, but three names with phone numbers for surgeons to see about the hernia repair. I needed to research all of them, first of course. Holy cow, first one on the list is on probation from the state for “gross negligence and incompetence.” OMG. Originally they had voted to withdraw his medical license, but instead, probably through his attorney, plead it down to probation providing he take 60 hours of ongoing education. He’s got one more year left of his probation.

There is a PDF you can view of the results of the claim and hearing, and there were three defendants. UGH. I wouldn’t let this guy hold my purse. NO WAY.

The second had five stars, great educational credentials, and no malpractice, actions, or probation. Awesome.

After holding for ten minutes, I hung up and called back. Busy. I kept redialing until I got through. Gave my name, phone number, what I need, did I have a referral, birthday, and oh yeah, what was my insurance? “Straight Medi-Cal.”

“Oh. We no longer take Medi-Cal.”

Wouldn’t you want that to be the first question, not the last question? Maybe it’s just me. (High expectations, constantly surprise I’m the only one who assumes things will go right the first time.)

Third doctor. Only 2 ½ stars, good educational cred, no malpractice etc., takes Medi-Cal. Awesome. First available date is January 22, 2016. Sigh. The week school starts. I asked to be put on the “cancelation list” but they don’t have one. I was free to call tomorrow to see if there were any for Friday. I will, but my hopes, this time, are not high.

I’m wondering if I should just wait until the semester is over. I’ll be settled in, I can take the summer to recover (hopefully any job I have by then will let me have the time off), and I would be in the area of my surgeon in the event there is an emergency. Also, and this is kind of toward the bottom of the list, I might have better employer-based insurance. *fingerscrossed*

The hernia is huge and uncomfortable, sometimes painful, and bending over feels…wrong. It just feels wrong. Imagine if your stomach were on the outside of your body and you bent over. That’s what it feels like—folding an organ in half. No like.

Maybe I should get some kind of support garment, not just for cosmetic reasons, but to help keep it from getting worse. Anyone know of such a thing? Post in comments, thanks.

I’m shoving in food today like there’s an invading army coming over the pass. I’ve had two helpings of homemade pot roast (not bad, but I’ll keep trying until I find a recipe I like. It does make a lot of meals); low carb clafouti, low carb pumpkin pie….shovel shovel shovel, and my pants are loose in the butt.  That’s what usually happens just before my weight drops. Since it’s up 10 pounds (yes, carbs, I know, stress….) it wouldn’t hurt to lose a few. I see my surgeon on Monday. It almost feels like a waste of gas, but he is amusing, so there’s that.

Maybe if I get better insurance, he could do my hernia repair next summer. Hmmm….

So I’ve got six things on my list of eleven crossed off my list for today.  Not bad, particularly as one of them was to do a makeup for the NaNoWriMo writing I forgot to do last night. *rolleyes* Then I can do tonight’s writing (1700 words, apx.), later this evening so I’ll still be on target. Holy G*d. LOL

I’ve gone to Target twice this week, to pick up prescriptions (and another one called today—automatic refills via text, and why can’t they all sync up and be on the same day??), and get a printer ink cartridge, and I’ve forgotten both times. I was even going to buy myself a reward lipstick for screwing up my courage and facing down the doctor for what I knew would be a fight for both referrals. I forgot the damn lipstick, too. Ugh. Growing old sucks.

Update

I finally got in to see the GYN on Friday (after four calls leaving four voicemails and then sending a fax on Wednesday...) and the pathology report indicated everything is benign--polyp, fibroids, endometrium. Hooray. Also? Got to see some cool pictures of the inside of my uterus. Very interesting.

Also picked up my laptop with its new hard drive (yikes!) on Tuesday, so I'm learning about Windows 10, reinstalling stuff I like (Chrome), and re-setting saved passwords that I didn't write down anywhere. Ugh.

It's a gorgeous day out, so I'm taking myself to lunch and then a movie later, and then watching the Packers at 5:30. I've got all week to do chores and I've just got to get out of the house today. And it finally feels like fall.

Happy November!

Clafouti II & III

The first clafouti is one by Martha Stewart and which I've modified for low carbs. The recipe is as follows, my changes in red. It is delicious. I have a slice (1/6 th of pie) every morning for breakfast.

Officially, it is considered a clafouti only if cherries are used, otherwise it is considered a floginarde. Personally, I like the word clafouti, so in this space, I will be referring to this recipe, regardless of fruit type, as a clafouti. I think you'll like it.

CLAFOUTI II

Unsalted butter, for dish ( or spray like Pam; I use a standard glass pie pan 9")

2 large eggs
1 large egg yolk I used 3 whole eggs
1/3 cup all-purpose flour equivalent amount of almond flour
3/4 cup creme fraiche, plus more for serving I used sour cream
3/4 cup whole milk I used 2% milk
1/2 cup granulated sugar I used Target's knockoff brand Splenda Baking Mix
2 teaspons pure vanilla  I use a tablespoon and a half
1/2 teaspon salt
12 ounces cherries, halved and pitted I used fresh raspberries, about 6 ounces

I have also added the zest of a whole lemon--very good with raspberries--and cinnamon both with and without fruit. It was very good with peaches when they were in season.

DIRECTIONS

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Butter a 9-inch baking dish, 1 1/4 inches deep. Coat with granulated sugar; tap out excess. (I do not recommend this.) Whisk eggs, yolk, and flour in a medium bowl; whisk in creme fraiche, milk, granulated sugar, vanilla, and salt.

Arrange cherries in prepared dish. I scatter my berries over the top after pouring batter into dish. Strain batter over cherries (I didn't bother). Bake until browned around edges and set in the center, 30 to 35 minutes. Let cool slightly. Serve warm with creme fraiche or, if you're me, whipped cream.

I simply put everything into a blender, blend for 30 seconds, pour into butter pie pan, scatter berries or other fruit over the top, and bake as directed. Delish! Note: The clafouti will puff up, almost like a souffle, and then deflate after cooling--this is normal. Store in fridge. I like to warm up my breakfast slice for about 20-30 seconds in the nuker; it just makes it more flavorful.

CLAFOUTI III

I made the same recipe as above, however, I got it mixed up in my head with my first, much earlier clafouti recipe and I made the following differences:

six whole eggs
10 ounces milk
2 ounces heavy whipping cream

This made a very crusty, sweet clafouti that I think I like more than either of the previous two. It is also more protein heavy. I was out of berries, so I added cinnamon and it is very good. Berries is better, but it is still very good without them.

Cheers!