Valentine's Day 2015

Valentine's Day dress bargain from Ross--size 14!--looks FAB!

With an old pair of K-Mart heels.

Aren't we cute?

j

Silly and will never grow up? :D

Still can't believe that's me in that dress.

My blue topaz and pearl earrings gifted to me last fall by my MIL. Gorj.

I had a steak with thyme butter, a few fries, half a breadstick with butter, and creme brulee cheesecake--I let DH have most of it. YUM. Stuffed. Back on track tomorrow. I have a record to break.

I really love that dress. Less than $20-. I'm going to get a lot of wear out of it.

So Close That...

...dare I say it? I can almost taste it.

Heh.

Yes, today I hit 201. I have broken through the carb addiction obsessions, the holidays, self-doubt, fear, recrimination, anger, denial, acceptance, and have buckled down with heavy protein like a good DS-er, and the scale has moved.

I may break 200 by Monday.

I'm going to be spending the weekend at my dysfunctional in-laws, with a long-day respite at my mums, and eating there is never optimal, but I intend to stick by my guns, dammit, and protein, protein, protein.

I'll report back. I'm leaving the scale at home, and planning some wetlands and beach walks. We'll see how it goes.

Yay me.

:-)

***
UPDATE:

Friday AM, Weight:  200.4 lbs. OMG.

Back on Track

Whew. 

It’s been a long slog through December, then January, and now February. Down ten pounds, up ten pounds. Now back down. And no plans for any carb-loading in the future.

I was 202 this morning. Hooray!

As long as I get my SF Jell-O pudding every night, chocolate or butterscotch if out of chocolate, no one gets hurt, and no carbs are sacrificed to the willpower god.

Exhale.

I had therapy yesterday, and I talked about why I’m afraid of dropping below 200 lbs. It goes back to an old boyfriend who, in the late 80s, died. He lost a ton of weight before he died, and I equate less than 200 pounds with death. That simple. I was dieting and working out at the time he was dying, and I lost six pounds one week and freaked out because I thought I could have what was killing him.

Here it is 26-years later, and I still have that fear. And I had cancer and am still here (although I will have to be diligent for the rest of my life for metastases, and other cancers like breast and colon—having cancer doesn’t give you a pass from any other types of cancers although, really, if there were any justice in the universe, it would be one cancer per person. Regardless.).

So I need to break through that fear. And I think I’m nearly there. If I can break 200, I will feel like I’ve accomplished all my weight loss goals. How far below 200 I get doesn’t matter—I just want to be below it. I’m a normal size. I bought a dress at Ross last night for $19.99. I only went to get a black T-shirt because I don’t have one that fits. I did get one, for $5.99, but that dress spoke to me. I’ll take pics on Saturday and post one or two up next week. It’s a size 14. And it’s a tiny bit big. But…my hernia takes up a lot of room right now out front, so I need that bit of room. But I’m a GD size 14. I’m smaller than I was in high school.

Now my butt…I’m not sure what size I wear. I need to get a bunch of different sizes and take them into the dressing room and try them on. Again, I need to make room in the waist for the hernia, which means I have too much room in the butt, but I need to find out what size I wear. I have two pairs of pants right now. Some jeans I bought last July on clearance at Target for $8.58—and what a deal. I’ve gotten a lot of use out of them—and some soft, loose pants, black, with an elastic waist. The jeans are a size 20 and the black slacks an XL. I bought a belt for the jeans, and they are still too big. Way too big. Yesterday I had to hurry to the bathroom. I undid the belt and then, without thinking, pulled the jeans straight down. I didn’t realize I hadn’t undone the button or unzipped when I took them off.

Huh.

So yeah, they’re a little big.

I was reluctant to buy more pants due to the constantly changing size issue, but it’s gotten to the point that I just need some damn pants and that fit. One of these days I need to go to the store, pick up a range of sizes, and just start trying shit on and see what shakes out.

It’s really weird to be here. I had a big body for 75% of my life, and to have it do and act in ways I couldn’t get it to in years past, and fitting places I couldn’t fit, and wearing clothes I couldn’t fit, and not knocking stuff over with my huge ass any more….it sometimes needs readjusting in my brain. I look in the mirror and sometimes I don’t know who the hell that is looking back at me. Not my face, not my skin, not my hair. Then I look deeper and I remember. It was always me, just buried.

I feel so great now in my 50s, I can’t imagine how good I would be feeling in my 30s or 40s had I gotten the surgery back in 2004 when I first started researching.

So I’m hoping to break 200 this week. *fingerscrossed* I'll update as soon as I do. Oh hell yeah.

We're Fat

So my husband and I did a "date night" tonight--dinner and a movie. I had hot and sour soup--num--and steak teriyaki. Not my first choice, but it was a combo meal with limited choices but great pricing and...I ate all of the steak. OMG. Delish. DH had orange chicken. It's the only Chinese he likes. (I keep trying to get him to experiment, but he won't.)

Then we went to see American Sniper. A great film that gives you lots to think about. My suspension of disbelief was firmly in place and Bradley Cooper was Chris Kyle. Awesome performance.

But as we were standing in line to give our tickets to the tickettaker, I noticed something. Fat people. A lot of them. I mean, aside from most of the kids, all the adults were fat. And I don't mean chubby, I mean A LOT fat. One poor guy I saw I was wondering where he was going to sit, I know he wouldn't fit in a seat. I barely did at 350 lbs and he was at least 100 or more pounds beyond that.

So in noticing all the fat people I realized two things:

1. Americans, as a whole, are fat;
2. I no longer think of myself as fat.

Huh.

Would I have noticed all those fat people a year ago? The big guy for sure, because I really can relate to his predicament--wanting to see a movie, wondering where he'd sit.

I'm the same gal who went back to college in her 40s and would get to class early, sometimes an hour early, so I could find a desk or chair that I could fit into. Yeah, that was me. I got stuck in a desk in a counseling session full of people pre-semester, and it left a nasty bruise on my belly and then there was the shame. I don't know if anyone noticed I was stuck; I looked down and just walked away. But the memory haunts me to this day.

I both pity and understand fat people. I spent 30 years as a fat person in different sizes. It sucked in a lot of ways. I want to hand out my surgeon's card and tell people like the big man, "You don't have to live like this." But then I stop and think about how my journey to surgery took me to ten years.

I have lots more thoughts about this, but Starbucks is closing and unless I fancy spending the night here, we've got to leg it. Besides...I have SF chocolate pudding and a good book waiting for me. Kitties, too. ;-P

Hooray!

Ta da!!

I’m back to 203, down from 210 last weekend.

It was a grind, I’m here to tell you.

I’ve been eating a lot of protein. A LOT.

On Wednesday, my stomach/bowels felt overfull and my hernia was aching—I looked like I was about six months pregnant, and felt it, too—so I had a Pink Lady apple with some peanut butter. That night? (And this is TMI, but this is a blog about the DS and WLS so poop going to come up here frequently, so if you don't want to hear about it, don't read here :-) …), I think I pooped out about 20 pounds of crap. No lie. And solid, normal, pre-surg-type poop, not diarrhea. Thank you Miss Pink Lady.

I feel less bloated and sluggish, now, two days later.

Whew.

Other than Superbowl day when I had a handful of salt and vinegar chips with Ranch sour cream dip, I’ve not eaten any inappropriate carbs since Sunday (i.e., flour, wheat, potatoes, etc. I can’t remember if those are the simple or complex carbs, I have to look it up every time, but I haven’t eaten the “bad” ones.).

And it’s paying off.

Yesterday, I had SF chocolate pudding  made with 2% milk (less carbs than whole milks) with whipped cream for breakfast. Deelish.

I also made the DS Fluff for the first time, and which I was totally underwhelmed by. I got a large container of ricotta—which to me, meant 16 oz—added 1 package of SF Jell-0 cheesecake pudding, some sour cream, two giant spoonfuls so maybe half a cup?, and some milk, and blended. Bleh. Tasted like ricotta. So I added a SF lemon pudding, more milk, beat some more, and…meh. Lemony, with a whisper of cheesecake flavor, grainy ricotta. And I bought a good brand, also. So I’m not sure what the big deal is.

However.

I bought the stuff, I made it, it’s a lot of fat and protein, so I will eat it. I had some last night before bed with whipped cream. It tasted ok, maybe the flavors mingled more, so up from an F to a C grade, and it did beat back that sweets craving, so all in all, I guess it worked out. What. Ever.

The carb obsession has amped way, way day, so I’m able to make rational decisions about what I put in my mouth, and am able to stop and say, “Why do you want to eat that? A healthy person would not eat that and just eat something good for the body.”  That never happened as an obese person. Never. I always told that little inner voice to shut the fuck up and ate what I wanted.  That did not work out too well for me. Ahem.

So it will be eleven months on the 14^th since I’ve had surgery, and I’m still grieving food. I may grieve it all my life just in different gradations of grief and obsession. I need to learn to deal with that, too. One day at a time.

Tonight my husband is taking me out to dinner; I picked the place. It has Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Thai food—he doesn’t like any of them, but it was my turn to pick, and that’s what I want—and then a movie. Good times.

I’m thinking some hot and sour soup and short ribs ought to hit the spot. 

How'm I Doing?

I thought you'd never ask.  *grin*

I'm down, as of Thursday, five pounds. I was outside, in my pajamas (long story, to come), I had the car keys, so I whipped out the scale.

I'll weigh again on Monday morning.

I've been eating very, very, very clean. The carb cravings are gone. Oh I still think about yummies like donuts and ice cream, but the obsessive thoughts are at bay. For now. I'm still easily triggered visually, so I step away. If I'm at the store I move along. If I'm looking at a billboard while at a red light, I look away or focus on the radio or something else. If there's food I can't eat, I give it to someone else or I toss it or give it back to a waiter if I'm out. Yeah, really. My health is more important than what some waiter/tress thinks of me.

It's a process.

I had a fab steak dinner tonight at a diner I've always loved and used to have French toast at--their steaks are SO good. My dinner came with shrimp, baked potato (I ate the butter and sour cream with a few bitse of spuds) and gave it to my husband; it also came with a salad, he ate that, and soup--split pea--of which I had about five bites. It was lukewarm so I wouldn't have eaten much of it regardless.

But. Dinner came with a dessert: Brownie fudge vanilla ice cream sundae with whipped cream.  I had about three bites of that--big bites--and gave it to my husband.

Considering I had the shits all day yesterday--while at my mom's ugh--and then didn't go all day today, I was hoping some sugar would move things along. Ahem. Winner winner, chicken dinner. And it was delish.

I also had a SF mocha frappucino (with HWC) from Schnuttbucks this afternoon, which helped with a chocolate craving. They make it good in the OC. MM mm.

Breakfast was some broiled chicken with, I believe, sumac on it. *Note to self:  Buy some sumac. It's so good. Lemony and spicy, I really like it.

So I'm focusing back on my body, what's good for it, what makes it feel good, what does it need to function effectively, and that helps me feel my best. I need to take up my walks again, but a scary mean dog put the fear in me--I really thought she was going to bite me--so I'm anxious to be walking about in our neighborhood. It's an excuse and an explanation. I guess I could find somewhere else to walk.

Tomorrow is the Superbowl. I highly dislike *ahem* both teams and have no dog in this hunt, so I wasn't going to watch even though I enjoy the spectacle and the commercials and of course, the food, so I'm curious where tomorrow will lead food-wise. I'm hoping for wings and sausage pizza so I can pick the toppings off. If it were up to me, I'd be making Mary's, over at One Perfect Bite, Jalapeno Popper Dip, but I'm at my in-laws so it's just an awkward time to take over the kitchen. I can't explain it. But I will be making it at my house this week. I'll report back.

I'm going to be watching with my goldbrick, @$$hole brother-in-laws my dying (of ALS) FIL, and my husband. Good times. I'm hoping to get in plenty of coffee and protein. Hell, I'm made of coffee and protein these days. :-)

So...there are benefits to clean eating. I do feel tired and a bit rundown, but I know it's just my body making the transition away from carbs and onto fat and protein. I see my doctor on the 17th for more labs, so if anything has gone awry, we can catch it. I'm taking all my vitamins and can't remember the last time I missed one, I've got a routine going, now. In fact, next week is payday so I'll be ordering some iron and Vit D, and I need to find a multi-vitamin with low B6 and B12--my levels are too high right now. Not as easy as you think. (If you know of one, please share in the comments or email. Thanks.)

This time tomorrow night, I'll be in my own bed with my precious kitties. I miss them, I miss home. That's where I want to be. Always.

And hopefully I've left a few pounds behind when I get there.

Yippee kai ay.

Still

I haven't broken 200 lbs, yet. In fact, I've gained 10 lbs despite buckling down. Period time. Water weight? I don't know, but I'm pissed and frustrated. It's hard to get online because we don't have Internet at home. We're in the boonies and on the waiting list to see if we can even get it--30 more days. Yes, we checked before we moved in, our landlady, next door (about 300 yds) has Verizon Fios. When we called, they said they no longer offer it in our area. ??? Despite our landlady having it now and for years. So until we get this sorted out....trips to Starbucks, etc.

ANNOYING!!

I'm going home and having my SF chocolate pudding with whipped cream, made with milk, half and half, and HWC. I need some kind of treat in my life. Fuck.

Not angry...frustrated.