Physical Carb Cravings Have Eased

The mental? Notsomuch.

I went out to the post office last night and then to the grocery for sour cream to have with my pork tacos last night. I didn't eat them, though. I had yogurt and clafouti for dinner. But I walked by the donut case. They had maple glazed donuts, and that I love. I looked at them with longing. A woman and her son were picking out donuts at the time or several of those donuts would have come home with me.

And I don't even like maple. But I like that maple frosting they put on donuts.

I walked around the store trying to distract myself and get something else.

Bacon:  In the basket.

Gelato:  In the basket

 (ice cream not only does nothing bad to me, it doesn't interfere with weight loss. I'm serious. Now that I've said this, I'm sure I'll get a lactose allergy by tomorrow. *snort*)

Looked at:  Frozen pies, frozen pizza, frozen taquitos; fruit; meat; yogurt; cheese; sausage. And still wanted a mutherf*cking maple dammit glazed freaking donut.

I felt like a heroin addict trying to score. I'm serious.

I put my ass in line and got the hell out of there.

Driving home, I almost turned around twice to go back for the donuts and some tomatillo salsa that I like on pork tacos. Then I remembered the gelato, which would melt if I did that, and the sun had just gone down and the cats needed to be brought inside and given wet fud. I decided that if by 8 o'clock, I still wanted the donut, I could go get it, or two. So about three hours.

The three hours came and went, and I still wanted the donut, but I didn't go. I was reading a book. I just kept reading.

I went to bed.

I still wanted the donut.

I ate the gelato instead. Sea Salt Carmel. Pretty damn good. Delish.

I still want the donut(s).

WTF?

Then I saw on my surgeon's FB group that anemia can cause carb cravings. I've been anemic since....June, I think. Months.

My weight is down from yesterday, about .8 of a pound, but down.

Jeezus I'm a mess.

Am I ever going to be okay? Gah.

Dammit.

Carb Detox, Day 3.

 Cravings are down, waaaay down.

Yesterday was the worst day. I felt angry and so sad about not being able to eat a whole box of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies that I honestly felt like I could cry…but I didn’t. But I was cranky, yeah.

I had a late therapy appointment last night and on my way home I decided to stop at Big & Nasty to see if I could find a book I want on clearance. It’s been out for a while and book III is due out in June, so it should have been on a clearance table…but it’s a small store, so they didn’t have it. (Stephen King’s Finder’s Keepers, the second book in the Bill Hodges trilogy, book I being Mr. Mercedes.) I actually have the Kindle version reserved from the library, and I’m next in line to get it, but I want to read it NOW. LOL

So I got a cup of coffee at the Schnuttbucks in the back of the store, gazing longingly at the bakery case items, and then wandered around hoping to find my book. Then I started getting hungry and I started thinking about foo. I decided I should leave otherwise that bakery case was going to be calling me like a siren.

I got in the car and started thinking about dinner. I had stuff at home I could eat, but I was really hungry. I have these moments where I feel as if I don’t eat something, I may eat the first thing I get my hands on. Not a good place to be away from home.

I started running through my litany of food places I could go to for a “snack” on my way home:  Del Taco for a cheese quesadilla or a beef burrito; Panera for a chicken salad; In ‘N Out for a bunless burger…then thought about the money; I’ve already overspent for the month, so I need to watch every penny. Just go home Jules, and eat the food you already purchased.” So I did.

Earlier in the day I was craving something sweet, so I rifled through the pantry and found some sesame cashews I’d gotten at Trader Joe’s a while back. I ate a handful of them. Very satisfying.

As I was snuggled in bed last night with the cats, reading on my Kindle, the carb cravings hit. I started mentally inventorying all the food in the house. There was nothing I wanted. Well, there was one thing, but it meant getting the toaster out etc., and I wasn’t up for that (Eggos. Yeah. I bought them, and ate a few, last week.) So I decided to just go to sleep and see how I felt in the morning.

This morning? Starving. I ate two yogurts back-to-back. And I’m thinking about the next course already. LOL I’m craving protein so I know my body is kicking into weight loss mode. And this morning? Down two pounds from yesterday, and down eight pounds from the 1^st. Yay.

So I feel good about today. I’m not craving carbs, like…obsessing about them. Would I like some cookies? Sure, who wouldn’t. But not today. Not. Today.

Carb Detoxing. Again.

The struggle is real. Cliche, but true.

This was my response to a "what's your motivation" post on one of my DS groups.

"Detox from carbs. I had super bad PMS last week and if it slowed down long enough, I ate it. frown emoticon Three days for the detox (cravings stop). UGH."

It got to the point where I was eating things not because I was hungry or even wanted them, but because I could. I had given myself mental permission to run wild. Not good.

So I said fine, if you're going to do this, there needs to be an end date, and I decided the end date was Sunday at 11:59 pm.

So this morning, of course, I wanted carbs. That's how it works. But I am sticking to my guns so far. Yogurt for breakfast, (Dannon Lite and Fit Caramel Apple Pie--my favorite. I have ten in the fridge.). some low carb clafouti with whipped cream; coffee with HWC, cup #3 just now.

I have to go out in a bit, so I'm thinking about lunch. Planning is a better word. I'm planning for lunch. One of my stops is going to be Target to get a pescription, and they have the best prices on HWC and whipped cream and eggs, so I'll be picking those up.Also coffee. They also have these protein packs, I guess from Hormel? I don't know. It's like diced chicken, turkey, or ham, cubed cheese, nuts, and they have them for $1.57. That's the cheapest price I've seen anywhere. I'm going to grab half a dozen to keep in the fridge for grab and go.

I really felt like I was an out-of-control crazy person. Mini-panic attacks; disturbed sleep; anxiety; fearfulness; overwhelmed with it all; weepy; depressed; and yeah, I went there, suicide. It's the depressive's last card. I was thinking about it a lot. Then I was thinking about Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. If you haven't read it, you MUST. He survived the Nazi camps. He survived them by finding meaning for his life even while still a prisoner, starved, beaten, humiliated. So while my depression-wired brain was thinking of reasons to take ALL the pills, the sensible side of me was thinking of something else: Who would suffer from my loss most? And the answer was my cats. They depend on me. Food, shelter, love, health. They are, in a way, like children, only with a lot less maintenance (although litter boxes are the bane of my existence). They were my meaning while I waited for the crazy mood swings to pass.

I started my period last night. Only 24 days since the last one. I used to have them around the 20th like clockwork, but the D&C I had in October, which was supposed to "kickstart menopause" (ha ha ha. I laugh.) simply reset the clock. I had a period 24 days later. It just moved the clock forward. Why my gynecologist, and who I saw last week for a six-week post-surgery checkup, didn't offer me something to help with the crazy, I don't know. And I was so depressed it didn't occur to me to ask. But my therapist said to talk to my PCP about it. I'm going to this week. I was too anxious (and angry) to go last week (he takes walk-ins.)

I cannot live like this. I really can't. I need some type of medical/chemical intervention. I'm tired of having periods. I'm over fifty for fucks' sake!! Enough, already. 

So anyways...the ideation has passed, along with most of the craziness (I function at a moderate level of crazy most of the time), and I've given myself permission to eat anything I want providing that it's protein. 

My father invited me to a party at his house this Saturday, and I want to look good and not have gas and diarrhea (as I have all week) while I'm there. My step-relations will be there. I haven't seen them in years, and I weigh about 150 lbs less. I'm wondering how they'll react. If past behavior is any predictor of future behavior, they'll be jerks about it, either passively aggressively, outright rude, or maybe, maybe, kindly. We'll see. I'm going to spend time with my dad. And let's face it, free food. They usually do prime rib for their Christmas parties. My dad just turned 77...I don't want to have any regrets if anything should happen once I move away. We've had some good visits here lately.

So that's where I am. If you'd like to leave some supportive or understanding comments, they would be most welcome.

Thanks for reading.

***
So far so good today:

Yogurt
LC Clafouti w/whipped cream
3 eggs, scrambled
coffee w/ HWC
Nuts w/dried cranberries
Protein box at Starbucks (not including "biscuit" and wtf?) (boiled egg, cheese, peanut butter, apple slices, grapes)
SF Peppermint mocha, breve
Three squares of chocolate.
homemade steak with bleu cheese
piece of LC/SF homemade pumpkin pie w/whipped cream
iced teas

***

My Christmas party outfit:

Blouse, size L, from Charlotte Russe. My first ever piece of clothing from their store (birthday present).

Slacks I got yesterday at Kohl's for $6.00 (Six Dollars). I am not kidding. A picture of the tag follows. They are Gloria Vanderbilt and they look fantastic on.

Where Have I Been?

I've been, and still am in, crazy hormone carb land. I'll be back when the crazy and the carbs go away.

That is all.

Soothing With Food

I'm stressed.

Duh.

A lot going on.

I would like to soothe and comfort myself with food.

I can't. I'm full.

If I weren't full, would I still try to soothe with food?

Probably, but with different choices.

I want to eat all the things. Gingerbread, frosted cupcakes, chocolate chip chunk cookies, pumpkin spice cake.

Yes, carbs and sugar.

I won't, though, even though I'm full. I have pumpkin pie at home, cherry clafouti, whipped cream, salmon is defrosting in the fridge for later. Even knowing all these things, I still want to soothe with food because I am so stressed and anxious.

I feel like crying too, and I'm having cramps (I never have cramps). It's a little early for TMoTM, but that's what it feels like. I wish it would just stop already, jeesuz. My back hurts, too.

Carb cravings. Cramps. Teary-eyed. Sounds like hormones exacerbated by stress.

Huh.

I'm glad we had this talk.

SF Pumpkin Pie, With Crust

***UPDATE 11 24 15***
We had some of the pie last night. The filling is delicious and so is the crust. But.The crust sticks to the pan and gets soggy.

I am thinking that perhaps baking the crust separately, perhaps like a flat cookie--roll into balls and then flatten on parchment on a cookie sheet--then serving it with the crustless pie is the way to go. We'll see. I thought I'd "warn" you in advance.

Cheers

***

I love me some pumpkin pie. If made without a crust and baking splenda mix, it has very few carbs, about 4 carbs. And pumpkin has a little protein. And it makes me feel like I'm enjoying fall, especially since Starbucks refuses to make a SF version of their Pumpkin Spice Latte (effers). So I have made about three pumpkin pies in the last month. I have 1/8 about five nights a week with whipped cream.

So this week, I had an idea: What if I took the Almond Crust from Deb at Smitten Kitchen's almond crisped peaches and used it to make a crust for a pumpkin pie? So I made it last night. I pre-baked it for fifteen minutes at 350 so it would be solid enough to hold the liquid pie puree. And it came out!! And the smell, wonderful. I finally feel like the holidays are here. So if you want some pumpkin pie, and you're watching your carbs or calories, make this. I mean it. It's that good. And incredibly easy.

I make the Libby's Famous Pumpkin Pie (this recipe is for two pies, so if making one, cut in half), use baking Splenda blend instead of sugar, and 6 ounces 2% milk and 6 ounces of HWC instead of evaporated milk (low carbs, I just prefer the taste of the HWC). And make the almond crust, and pat it into a pie plate with your hands. No need to Pam or grease your pie plate as there is a ton of butter in the almond crust.

I also make it all in one bowl:  add pumpkin puree, spices, eggs, beat with a handwhisk: add in milk and HWC, beat with whisk until blended, pour into crust. Voila!

Enjoy!!

Witness to Obesity

My husband showed up out of the blue early yesterday morning. He's off all Thanksgiving week. I knew he was coming down, I didn't realize it would be Saturday. Whatever.

We went out late in the afternoon for a cheap early dinner at a Burger joint, and then over to Barnes and Noble.

We wandered around, separately, for a while. I probably spent an hour or so just browsing, taking pictures of books I was interested in, some I'd like to get for my nieces for Christmas, and so on. And it was just good to be out of the house, ya know?

Anyhoo, like most B&N's, this one has a Starbucks. They are also partnered with The Cheesecake Factory and they had this giant sized poster with a photo of a big slice of pumpkin cheesecake. I love both pumpkin and cheesecake, and had I had an extra $5-, I would've gotten a piece. Instead, I sat down with a hair magazine (I need to do something with this mess called "hair") looking at short haircuts, and then Inc. Magazine that an an interesting story on a CEO who decided every employee at his company should make at least $70,000 per year. It was a great story on how he came to that decision, how he accomplished it (paid for it), and the result (profits are up). If you get a chance I highly recommend it.

At any rate, I'm sitting there, reading, and this short round man sat down across from me. And as I looked over at his table, I noticed that he had a sandwich of some type in a basket; a big piece of pumpkin cheesecake that he had already started on, and a carmel frappucino. And I thought to myself:  That's a lot of carbs.

My second thought was, I wonder if the cheesecake is any good?

And he was eating it in a way that both reminded me of myself, and as if he were a drug addict self-medicating. Both were true.

I remember having those eating parties, although I rarely did mine in public, how I would plan for them, meticulously select the menu to please all those food cravings that were actually manifested feelings of insecurity, fear, anxiety, and mediocrity. And I was so glad that for the most part, I am not that person anymore.

Oh, sure, I have my moments, but to eat what he ate? It wouldn't fit. And then I would be sick for days. The cheesecake I probably could've pulled off, but I was already full from dinner anyway, and you know what? Cheesecake will always be there if I really want some. Or I can make my own only LC/SF. And have (altho not pumpkin flavor).

And I really felt badly for the guy. Not pity, no, more of an understanding that whatever was bothering him about himself and his life he was trying to tamp down with all of that food. He ate it all and then left when he was about halfway through his frappo.

I get it. I totally get it. And without surgical intervention, I might still be that person. I'm coming up on two years since the surgery, and I have changed SO much. I make better choices and decisions now almost without thinking. I think about consequences both in terms of immediate (sickness), long term (weight loss) and being out of control. I don't ever want to be that person again.

For me, this was really never about appearance, but health, and stepping away from crazy behavior, and I think for the most part I've been successful. And my goal is to continue that into the future.

I don't have to be "that guy" ever again. And I don't want to.