Looooong Night

OMG.

I forgot to mention that I had a Big Mac yesterday. I KNOW!! I quit eating at Mickey D's in 2002 after I read Eric Schlosser's Fast Food Nation. I don't know what my motivation was (soothe stressful feelings?), but I went through the drive-thru down the street from therapy after my appointment, then drove it over to Kohl's where I needed to exchange a pair of size 18 Gloria Vanderbilt olive drab jeans for a size 16. I ate it in the car in the parking lot. With ketchup. It was fabulous. I think what I craved the most was the thousand island dressing and the pickles. Also, I was hungry because I hadn't eaten any protein.

I had more cookies when I got home--the last of them--and waited for hunger to hit, but it never did. I felt SO full. Probably because I was. I had picked up some Chinese food at Panda on the way home, and finally about 11 pm I put a little bit on a plate, nuked it, and ate it. I waited two more hours--when I'm usually hungry again--and although not hungry, felt I needed the nutrition, I had a bowl of SF chocolate pudding with whipped cream on top.

I was SO FULL afterwards that my stomach in my hernia area, above the bellybutton, was SO bloated, that my underwear and drawstring pajamas were tight. And the gurgling and the gas--SO painful. Those carbs were not going anywhere--they were trapped there.

I couldn't sleep. I was in too much agony. I kept putting my cold hands on my belly to make it feel better. But SO much gas--so loud, stinky, and as I said, hot. And what is up with that? I was grateful my husband had gone down to his folks for the weekend. I'd never hear the end of that.

I got up and pooped about 5:30 am, this after finally getting to sleep sometime after 3:30 am. Then my landlady called and she and her husand swapped out the stove because the oven didn't work and cool! So the first thing I made was bacon. Amen and hallelujah, I had a giant bowel movement shortly after eating it.

I still have one muffin left--I was going to eat it. Now I'm not so sure. It would be like swallowing something that would intentionally cause me pain. Ugh.

Food addiction / emotional eating / obesity is such a hard disease to overcome. Here I am, two weeks away from my one year surgery anniversary, and I got out of control. It scared me. A lot.

So I need to pick up the pieces and move forward, and get back to making my body as healthy as it can be. And I can totally do without all the pain.