Well Shit

I got on the scale today. I had put it out in the van so I wouldn't be hopping on it every day in an obsessive quest to reach a certain number.

I'm up, with clothes on and a full "belly", 13 pounds.

In a week.

Yeah.

My hormones are whack. My mood swings are often and dramatic. I have been trying for a week to find a female gynecologist who takes my insurance (HMO--I think that stands for Help 0urselves to your MOney.). Every experience I've had with a male GYN has SUCKED. I won't go to one and you can't make me. Nyah.

But I've got some serious mood swings. And cravings. And this week? I gave in. To everything. Coffee cake. Cookies. Blueberry muffins (with butter). And I feel like shit.

My hernia is HUGE and uncomfortable, I've got gas like you wouldn't believe (LOUD, smelly, and HOT WTF?). I had to get up twice in the middle of the night to crap, and I have slept through fire engines and thunderstorms. Earthquakes, too (small ones). I kept dreaming I was crapping the bed. Not a lot is coming out.

I've got one muffin left. I paid for it, I'm going to eat it. Then? Back on program. Protein, protein, protein, fat, fat, liquid.

My husband is down at his folks for the weekend (I just said "I'm not going."), so I can do some stuff around the house, do some leisure reading, spend time with the cats, and possibly watch some snow fall. *cool* I also plan to eat every two hours--eggs, cheese, bacon, homemade beef chili, chicken, cheese chips, sour cream, nuts, yogurt, SF pudding. That's it. It will take three days to detox from the carbs. I am not someone who can have "just one". One turns into the whole box. That's how I got over 350 pounds. I am NOT going back.

I'm angry at myself but trying to let it go because hey, I'm human, and sometimes the best we can do is crap. But it's still our best. So be forgiving of myself while also acknowledging that I can do better.

Exhale.