LilySlim - Weight loss

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Merry Christmas


Good cheer from me to you and yours.

I'll be taking a break for the next week or so to spend time doing holiday stuff, being with family, and so on.

See you then.

Jules

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Less Whining, More Gratitude

Here's a gratitude list for today, Saturday, December 12, 2015


  • Warm comfortable home where I can safely sleep in peace with the kitties, warm and dry
  • Good, healthy food to eat
  • A safe place to cook the food
  • Hot showers
  • Diabetes remission
  • Good friends
  • Both my parents are alive and thriving
  • Kitties who love me
  • Snow
  • Sunshine
  • High winds (hey, I wasn't going to rake those leaves ;-) )
  • A car that looks like hell but still starts (*fingerscrossed*)
  • Hot water / showers
  • Clearance sales
  • Nivea hydrating lotion--my hands and feet feel fabulous (thanks, Mom!)
  • Good smelling soap
  • Good coffee
  • Books and also the Kindle
  • the Library, OMG, what took me so long to get a card?
  • Anti-depressants and -anxiety meds
  • Caramel apple pie low carb yogurt
  • Eggs
  • R
  • Hats (it was so cold last night, I wore one to bed. I slept like a baby.)
  • Tim Conway Jr. show (7 - 10, M-F, KFI am 640. He's funny as hell.)
  • Whipped cream
  • Sunshine
  • Mountains
  • Kindness of friends and strangers
  • Christmas (and gatherings)
  • This computer
  • There's more, but that's what I've got right now.


Cheers.

Off to Ventura County to visit with my dad and step-family.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Donuts

I went to town yesterday to get the mail (junk mail only; no "magic"), and then down the street to the grocery store. I got the tomatillo salsa for my pork tacos (which were fantastic BTW), and I got two maple glazed raised donuts . I brought them home, made coffee, ate them slowly, and enjoyed every damn bite. The result?  Down another pound.  LOL

Of course, once I had eaten them, I wanted MORE. So I had a yogurt and a piece of clafouti later.

Today? The donut craving is gone. I scratched the itch.

No guilt. No regret. Obsession petered out.

Weird, right?

:-)

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Physical Carb Cravings Have Eased

The mental? Notsomuch.

I went out to the post office last night and then to the grocery for sour cream to have with my pork tacos last night. I didn't eat them, though. I had yogurt and clafouti for dinner. But I walked by the donut case. They had maple glazed donuts, and that I love. I looked at them with longing. A woman and her son were picking out donuts at the time or several of those donuts would have come home with me.

And I don't even like maple. But I like that maple frosting they put on donuts.

I walked around the store trying to distract myself and get something else.

Bacon:  In the basket.

Gelato:  In the basket

 (ice cream not only does nothing bad to me, it doesn't interfere with weight loss. I'm serious. Now that I've said this, I'm sure I'll get a lactose allergy by tomorrow. *snort*)

Looked at:  Frozen pies, frozen pizza, frozen taquitos; fruit; meat; yogurt; cheese; sausage. And still wanted a mutherf*cking maple dammit glazed freaking donut.

I felt like a heroin addict trying to score. I'm serious.

I put my ass in line and got the hell out of there.

Driving home, I almost turned around twice to go back for the donuts and some tomatillo salsa that I like on pork tacos. Then I remembered the gelato, which would melt if I did that, and the sun had just gone down and the cats needed to be brought inside and given wet fud. I decided that if by 8 o'clock, I still wanted the donut, I could go get it, or two. So about three hours.

The three hours came and went, and I still wanted the donut, but I didn't go. I was reading a book. I just kept reading.

I went to bed.

I still wanted the donut.

I ate the gelato instead. Sea Salt Carmel. Pretty damn good. Delish.

I still want the donut(s).

WTF?

Then I saw on my surgeon's FB group that anemia can cause carb cravings. I've been anemic since....June, I think. Months.

My weight is down from yesterday, about .8 of a pound, but down.

Jeezus I'm a mess.

Am I ever going to be okay? Gah.

Dammit.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Carb Detox, Day 3.

 Cravings are down, waaaay down.

Yesterday was the worst day. I felt angry and so sad about not being able to eat a whole box of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies that I honestly felt like I could cry…but I didn’t. But I was cranky, yeah.

I had a late therapy appointment last night and on my way home I decided to stop at Big & Nasty to see if I could find a book I want on clearance. It’s been out for a while and book III is due out in June, so it should have been on a clearance table…but it’s a small store, so they didn’t have it. (Stephen King’s Finder’s Keepers, the second book in the Bill Hodges trilogy, book I being Mr. Mercedes.) I actually have the Kindle version reserved from the library, and I’m next in line to get it, but I want to read it NOW. LOL
So I got a cup of coffee at the Schnuttbucks in the back of the store, gazing longingly at the bakery case items, and then wandered around hoping to find my book. Then I started getting hungry and I started thinking about foo. I decided I should leave otherwise that bakery case was going to be calling me like a siren.
I got in the car and started thinking about dinner. I had stuff at home I could eat, but I was really hungry. I have these moments where I feel as if I don’t eat something, I may eat the first thing I get my hands on. Not a good place to be away from home.
I started running through my litany of food places I could go to for a “snack” on my way home:  Del Taco for a cheese quesadilla or a beef burrito; Panera for a chicken salad; In ‘N Out for a bunless burger…then thought about the money; I’ve already overspent for the month, so I need to watch every penny. Just go home Jules, and eat the food you already purchased.” So I did.
Earlier in the day I was craving something sweet, so I rifled through the pantry and found some sesame cashews I’d gotten at Trader Joe’s a while back. I ate a handful of them. Very satisfying.
As I was snuggled in bed last night with the cats, reading on my Kindle, the carb cravings hit. I started mentally inventorying all the food in the house. There was nothing I wanted. Well, there was one thing, but it meant getting the toaster out etc., and I wasn’t up for that (Eggos. Yeah. I bought them, and ate a few, last week.) So I decided to just go to sleep and see how I felt in the morning.
This morning? Starving. I ate two yogurts back-to-back. And I’m thinking about the next course already. LOL I’m craving protein so I know my body is kicking into weight loss mode. And this morning? Down two pounds from yesterday, and down eight pounds from the 1st. Yay.
So I feel good about today. I’m not craving carbs, like…obsessing about them. Would I like some cookies? Sure, who wouldn’t. But not today. Not. Today.


Monday, December 7, 2015

Carb Detoxing. Again.

The struggle is real. Cliche, but true.

This was my response to a "what's your motivation" post on one of my DS groups.

"Detox from carbs. I had super bad PMS last week and if it slowed down long enough, I ate it. frown emoticon Three days for the detox (cravings stop). UGH."

It got to the point where I was eating things not because I was hungry or even wanted them, but because I could. I had given myself mental permission to run wild. Not good.

So I said fine, if you're going to do this, there needs to be an end date, and I decided the end date was Sunday at 11:59 pm.

So this morning, of course, I wanted carbs. That's how it works. But I am sticking to my guns so far. Yogurt for breakfast, (Dannon Lite and Fit Caramel Apple Pie--my favorite. I have ten in the fridge.). some low carb clafouti with whipped cream; coffee with HWC, cup #3 just now.

I have to go out in a bit, so I'm thinking about lunch. Planning is a better word. I'm planning for lunch. One of my stops is going to be Target to get a pescription, and they have the best prices on HWC and whipped cream and eggs, so I'll be picking those up.Also coffee. They also have these protein packs, I guess from Hormel? I don't know. It's like diced chicken, turkey, or ham, cubed cheese, nuts, and they have them for $1.57. That's the cheapest price I've seen anywhere. I'm going to grab half a dozen to keep in the fridge for grab and go.

I really felt like I was an out-of-control crazy person. Mini-panic attacks; disturbed sleep; anxiety; fearfulness; overwhelmed with it all; weepy; depressed; and yeah, I went there, suicide. It's the depressive's last card. I was thinking about it a lot. Then I was thinking about Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. If you haven't read it, you MUST. He survived the Nazi camps. He survived them by finding meaning for his life even while still a prisoner, starved, beaten, humiliated. So while my depression-wired brain was thinking of reasons to take ALL the pills, the sensible side of me was thinking of something else: Who would suffer from my loss most? And the answer was my cats. They depend on me. Food, shelter, love, health. They are, in a way, like children, only with a lot less maintenance (although litter boxes are the bane of my existence). They were my meaning while I waited for the crazy mood swings to pass.

I started my period last night. Only 24 days since the last one. I used to have them around the 20th like clockwork, but the D&C I had in October, which was supposed to "kickstart menopause" (ha ha ha. I laugh.) simply reset the clock. I had a period 24 days later. It just moved the clock forward. Why my gynecologist, and who I saw last week for a six-week post-surgery checkup, didn't offer me something to help with the crazy, I don't know. And I was so depressed it didn't occur to me to ask. But my therapist said to talk to my PCP about it. I'm going to this week. I was too anxious (and angry) to go last week (he takes walk-ins.)

I cannot live like this. I really can't. I need some type of medical/chemical intervention. I'm tired of having periods. I'm over fifty for fucks' sake!! Enough, already. 

So anyways...the ideation has passed, along with most of the craziness (I function at a moderate level of crazy most of the time), and I've given myself permission to eat anything I want providing that it's protein. 

My father invited me to a party at his house this Saturday, and I want to look good and not have gas and diarrhea (as I have all week) while I'm there. My step-relations will be there. I haven't seen them in years, and I weigh about 150 lbs less. I'm wondering how they'll react. If past behavior is any predictor of future behavior, they'll be jerks about it, either passively aggressively, outright rude, or maybe, maybe, kindly. We'll see. I'm going to spend time with my dad. And let's face it, free food. They usually do prime rib for their Christmas parties. My dad just turned 77...I don't want to have any regrets if anything should happen once I move away. We've had some good visits here lately.

So that's where I am. If you'd like to leave some supportive or understanding comments, they would be most welcome.

Thanks for reading.

***
So far so good today:

Yogurt
LC Clafouti w/whipped cream
3 eggs, scrambled
coffee w/ HWC
Nuts w/dried cranberries
Protein box at Starbucks (not including "biscuit" and wtf?) (boiled egg, cheese, peanut butter, apple slices, grapes)
SF Peppermint mocha, breve
Three squares of chocolate.
homemade steak with bleu cheese
piece of LC/SF homemade pumpkin pie w/whipped cream
iced teas

***

My Christmas party outfit:

Blouse, size L, from Charlotte Russe. My first ever piece of clothing from their store (birthday present).

Slacks I got yesterday at Kohl's for $6.00 (Six Dollars). I am not kidding. A picture of the tag follows. They are Gloria Vanderbilt and they look fantastic on.







Friday, December 4, 2015

Where Have I Been?

I've been, and still am in, crazy hormone carb land. I'll be back when the crazy and the carbs go away.

That is all.