LilySlim - Weight loss

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

New Years Already

Guess what??  WLS does not take away the psychological components of binge- and over-eating. And it hit me super hard at Christmas. I've done some pretty clean eating since then, not counting restaurant meals (choices can often be limited--I'm looking forward to more cooking and eating at home), but yesterday I was a food-craving nutcase.

My husband had gone up to the central valley to get the last of our things out of storage--we just ran out of room even with a 16-foot bobtail truck and a seatless mini-van--so I was bouncing around yesterday at odds as to what to do with myself (the night before I had done a lot more unpacking, tub emptying, and cleaned out my dresser with old clothes, in good condition, to be donated, somewhere. I'd like to give to a battered woman's shelter); a whole day with no one making demands and nothing that urgently needed doing and a big snowstorm on the way, and so I just stayed in my pajamas and stayed home, playing with the cats, surfing online via phone, and reading a book on my Kindle.

And then the food mindgames started. I had forgotten I had purchased a roll of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls (the Cinnabon kind) recently because I was just going to give in to the damn Cinnabon craving, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

So I started looking for something, anything interesting to eat. I found a mini-Kit-Kat that my husband had brought home from work, and a quarter-sized piece of Dove dark chocolate. I ate them both. I kept nibbling at other things to keep from eating the cinnamon rolls, and which needed to be baked.

I ate a bunch of crap I didn't need nor want in order to keep away from those fucking rolls. UGH. I should've just eaten them.

I'm at a Burger King right now sucking up their free Wi-Fi and guess what they sell here, all soft, gooey, warm and cinnamon-ey?  Yep. Cinnabon buns. So I got one. I let it sit for a while and continued to think about it. It cooled off. I ate it. It didn't taste that good cold. I wish I hadn't eaten it. I'm going to pay for it with gas, cramps, bloating, and the shits later. It wasn't worth it.

I feel like a failure as a WLS post-op, but at the same time I know that I went a long time without binging or even having the intensity of thoughts I'm having now. But I'm going to have to carb detox, which takes about 3 days, and then go back to the protein, fat, under 50 carbs a day I had been doing. I'm close to breaking into the 100s. I haven't weighed that little since high school, and that was after losing 30 pounds on Weight Watchers (my step-mother and I joined together when I was sixteen). I wonder if part of me is afraid to hit that number. I already look at all the saggy skin on my body--particularly my ass, which seems to have settled, in pleats, at the tops of my thighs--and yes, I've seen much, much worse cases of excess skin--and it makes me want to cry. Decades of being over 300 lbs have done this to me. And yes, I did it to myself, but the science to obesity is so much more complex than what we ever realized, and how food addiction is as bad as any heroin addiction, so there's no sense in pointing blame now. If anything, all the diets and up and down weights I experienced over the years contributed to me having metabolic syndrome, and my body held onto every damn pound as long as possible before letting it go, and I could never break 300 lbs on my own just dieting.

I belong to a really nice group on Facebook of DSer's that has minimal to no pettiness or assholery, and then I joined a binge eater support group also, and discovered that in addition to the drama, I don't really feel like the people there "get" what it means to be post-WLS and a binge eater, and I don't feel that the support I need is really there. I may leave that group.

I haven't started walking again, yet. Frankly, my anxiety is high and I don't like leaving the house by myself. I'll go if it's important, like to the DMV on Monday (more on that later), but it's anxiety and I know it. While I was in SoCal at Christmas I forgot my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds (but not my vitamins! LOL), and now is about the time when the half life wears off and the mood changes. I'll be all right in a few days, but now I'm really down. All I can do is wait it out. More Cinnabon isn't going to hurt. My stomach already feels like I swallowed a slowly inflating balloon. (#@!*&)

Well, Happy New Year, and may your eating plan, whatever it may be, make you happy and fulfilled.

Next year: May it be better than the last.


Saturday, December 27, 2014

"...Cookies All the Way!"

So I overindulged my pre-planned, thought-out indulgence on Christmas Day.

My name is Jules. I am a food addict.

I cannot control myself around baked goods, period, the end.

I ate a boatload of cookies on Christmas Day--cookies I purchased at the store because we never made cookies on Christmas Eve like we'd planned on.

Shortbread, gingersnap (the chewy kind), and a small fruitcake. I like fruitcake. I don't know how many I ate, too many to count, plus a sliver of pecan pie and half of an apple strudel.

And some white chocolate peppermint bark.

The painful diarrhea started about three am. The gas, bloating, and cramps kept me up for hours in-between two-hour shit intervals.

I totally deserve it.

I did it to myself.

I lost control.

There is no such thing as "a few cookies." There is only "many cookies." I literally could not stop. I kept shoving them in. Oh yeah, I also had some Hershey's chocolate bells (like kisses only bell-shaped). I remember thinking, "You're really overdoing it." And then telling myself to "STFU."

I remembered why I was  morbidly obese, nearly super morbidly obese, for most of my life. I don't have an "OFF" switch when it comes to sugar and carbs. My tiny stomach held as many cookies as I could shove in. I should not have been able to hold the amount of food I ate over the course of the day, but I never felt full. Just like when I was obese.

I'm back on the protein, fat and less than 50 carbs per day wagon, but it's hard. I want carbs. I want them every minute of every day. Is this what drug or alcohol addiction feels like?

Eating them has made things worse. The obsession is amped up.

It was a mistake.

One I intend to learn from.

I just can't start. Don't even take one step onto the sugar-carb highway. You go from zero to 80 in five seconds flat. You. Cannot. Eat. Sugar/Carbs. You just can't.

I am a sugar/carb addict.

I have lost 113 pounds in nine months. NINE. MONTHS. I no longer have diabetes or high blood pressure. I can walk and stand for long periods of time. This is how I want to be, not the other way.

But the carbs. They call to me.

I won't listen. Lalalalalalala!!!

Wednesday, December 24, 2014


Wishing you and yours a happy holiday. May it find you surrounded with the comfort of family, pets, and friends, safe and warm, full of nutritious food, and snug in your bed at night. May peace and joy descend upon us at least this one day.

Peace and blessings,

Sparkly Jules

I spent most of the day at my in-laws struggling not to stuff every carb, of which there are many, into my mouth. I finally broke down about an hour ago and had a piece of apple strudel with some cottage cheese (balance??). My stomach is gurgling and me and my new BFF will be spending lots of time together in the near future. *ahem* Rhymes with "moilet." But it's just one day and I've dropped sixteen pounds in the last two weeks and my labs are good. I'm so good about vitamins that I brought those to my in-laws and forgot my prescription meds. LOL Two days won't kill me (and hopefully I won't kill anyone else without my anti-anxiety meds. LOL uh, yeah.)

We're human. Rather than beat myself up, I've decided to indulge, this evening and tomorrow. Of course, what I consider an indulgence now versus pre-DS is massive--say, one apple strudel versus the whole container of a dozen. KnowhatI'msayin'? Big difference. Prime rib and shrimp for dinner tomorrow, and that will fill me up for the most part. But maybe a piece of pie later. We'll see.

So eat, drink, and be merry, for Friday we die[t].


Merry Healthmas!!

Saturday, December 20, 2014


I had labwork done in the middle of November, and I finally got a copy for myself on Thursday. My new PCP had called to tell me that everything "looked good," but that my "B6 and B12 are high." I'm not supplementing, so I'm not sure why they are high or what it means. Researching it on my phone (the only net access I have at home right now) has proven difficult. Regardless. I have a copy and I scanned in all four pages and sent it over to my DS surgeon yesterday.

Everything does look great.

My cholesteral has gone from 210 to 103. I told my mom and she said, "You're kidding? And you eat all that meat!"

I know, right?  My body burns protein for fuel followed by excess fat., which I also malabsorb due to the shortening of the small intestines. So it doesn't impact my cholesterol (that's the short version).

My protein is on the low end of normal so I'll amp up my protein a little bit. I've been eating a lot of eggs. Basically eggs every day for breakfast for the last two weeks.

My Vitamin A test has not come in yet, so I need to follow up on that.

Iron, Vitamin D, E, K, you name it, they're all good. And this is nine months plus post-surgery. I am extremely diligent about vitamins.

I take a Bariatric Advantage chewable multi designed for DSers (and why I may have too much B6/12); a LabCorps 50K dry Vitamin D, daily; a Proferrin ES Heme Iron Polypeptide (based on surgeons instructions) of 10.5 mg, twice daily; Calcium Citrate,  I've been trying different brands, but right now Mother's Brand citrus-flavored chewable, 1,000 mg, twice a day divided; BiOtin 10,000 mcg once a day (and not with coffee. Ahem. Just learned that this week, so it's now a nightime vit instead of an am, now.); and....that's it.

If anything changes, and I'll have labs again in February, I'll change my routine, but now it seems to be that everything is working. Or unless my surgeon makes a recommendation.

I feel great, my blood glucose is normal, and I have a lot of energy. Other than my ankle hurting and possible arthritis developing in my hands and ankle (I'm getting x-rays on Monday to confirm or rule out), I feel fabulous. It's sick how good I feel. *fingerscrossed* *don'tjinxyourselfjules* :-P

I haven't done a lot of what I call "intentional exercise" because I've been doing so much stuff around the house and circuits of Target getting stuff to both set up housekeeping and Christmas shop. And I always forget something. Also, I just wanted to rest my ankle. It's doing better now and I think I'll start walking down the dirt road that goes by our new house--it's .7 miles to the paved road, so 1.4 miles there and back. If my ankle doesn't bother me too much, maybe I'll do it twice. :D

So here it is, the holidays nearly upon us and over, and I am planning what things I would like to "splurge" on for Christmas. I'm making a SF cheesecake for everyone (and me), and I promised to help my MIL make cookies, so maybe a bite or two of dough, but I definitely want some pumpkin pie--that was really good at Thanksgiving.

So essentially, I'll be having tastes of Christmas stuff, except for the pumpkin pie (although it will be a very small piece--my MIL is making prime rib as she does every Christmas. That's perfect for me. No sides, thank you!), but hopefully it won't make me too sick, i.e., gas, bloating, the runs, because the day after Christmas we are coming home--only some much family dysfunction can be handled at once. Plus my mother's growing dementia and her drama...*sigh*

This is probably the first time I've ever really wanted the holidays to just be over. Usually I enjoy it a great deal--the lights, ornaments, tree, decorations, candles, baking, family, cards, friends--but this year? I'm ready to put it in my rear view mirror. It feels...forced. Intentional gaiety and joy feels uncomfortable, like too tight pants (not a problem I have now, but a great metaphor.). Sigh.

Ready to move on with my life, whatever that may look like; it's still taking shape in my mind.


PS:  Cheesecake Update

I tried one more slice, this time with SF Hershey's syrup (I use for coffee mochas), and a ton of whipped cream...and it was just...bleah. Like eating a brick of cream cheese only not as good. So it went into the bin. Too bad. What a waste. So I'll have to find a SF sweetener alternative besides Truvia baking mix because it just baked out completely and it didn't taste sweet at all. I guess I'll try Sucralose (Splenda), even though I try to keep away from it and Sweet 'N Low based on my surgeon's advice, but sometimes? A girl just needs some damn cheesecake, no matter what it's made of. Am I right?

Friday, December 19, 2014

I Lost 14 Lbs in a Week

The last time that happened it was because I had the flu and it was all body fluids weight.

So let's revisit:  Two weeks ago I had gone up nearly eight pounds. I buckled down with protein and fat and did NOT eat the Cinnabon roll that I had been craving...and that I would have had to drive to a mall to find anyway...and then guess what else? Ladies, you know what I'm talking about: It was the week before my period. Yeah, my doctors can't believe that at 52 I'm as regular as a clock, either. I'm not enjoying it and plan on seeing a GYN in the new year to make. it. stop. Thirty-nine years of menstruation is enough already. Seriously.

So I'm going to guess I gained water weight, and then due to buckling down I lost the gained pounds plus six more. I'm inching towards the 100s. I haven't seen those numbers since high school. Seriously.

My skin looks like hell, everwhere, but I admit to enjoying being a size L on top and an XL on the bottom (18). I still have a lot of fat on my belly, but that's not surprising considering I had diabetes for sixteen years. It'll be the last to go. Whatever. I'm fine where I am right now, really. I don't care if I lose another pound.

As for plastic surgery, the only things I would consider it for are my arms if they are super flappy and a rash or worse sets in--and I'm not at that point--and if my belly ends up lying on my pubic bone. That's it. No body or boob lifts. I'm at the age where this stuff is starting to go anyway and I wouldn't have had plastic surgery on them if I had stayed obese. Sort of like I have a lot of grey hair, now. I'm still coloring it, but flirting with letting it grow out in its natural color--maybe when I'm closer to 60. Damn. It's not that far away, either. But my quality of life is so so so much better, and as an active diabetic with out-of-control diabetes (and a food addiction), I figured I wouldn't make it out of my 60s alive. Now I have a shot at living longer.

Well, Christmas is nearly here and I'm just not in the spirit this year. I guess all the tsuris of the last six months, the surgery, the moving, the family dysfunction, etc., and I still don't feel settled. I'm going to be spending the next three days at home (alone, I hope. I plan to send my teacher husband who is on break out into the world to go run jump and play so I can finish unpacking. Yes, I am that controlling.).

I wish I could see my nieces this year, but it's just not in the cards. I miss them a lot. I just put their Christmas box in the mail about an hour ago. Nothing huge, a couple tops, a book, two handmade clay pins that I picked up in Laguna Beach when I was there last month with my MIL, and my sister's birthday presents. Uh, yeah, her birthday is in August. So, yeah, I hate going to the post office to stand in line. :-)

I have one more book to order for them but I'll have to do it online; the bookstore itself was sold out.

I'm having a SF Vanilla Latte at Mickey D's, the only thing that I'll really have here outside of an iced tea. (Their food is gross. I quit eating it in 2002 after reading FAST FOOD NATION. You should, too.)


Thursday, December 11, 2014

In the Immortal Words of Jesse Pinkman...

"Later, bitches!!"

I lost the seven gained pounds and lost one extra pound.


How? By being diligent. Protein, protein, protein, fat, fat, carbs as low as possible.

I had oily diarrhea from too much bacon yesterday--I am a little touchy with too much fat--so I won't be doing that again (a pound of bacon in one day, not all at once, but throughout the day). Live and learn.

Here's what I had for breakfast today:

Two eggs scrambled with 1/4 of a smoked beef sausage (like Polska Kielbasa, which I love), chopped, a handful of cheddar cheese, salsa on the side, coffee with half and half.


Gotta have it spicy. I grew up with spicy food, and after my diabetes diagnoses the craving for spicey increased, and it hasn't abated by having this surgery. If anything, I need it spicey to keep it interesting because I eat a lot of the same thing over and over again. Uh, yeah.

So yeah, take that bitches. :-)

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Melissa's Famous Cheesecake (Low Carb)

So I made Melissa's cheesecake yesterday. I meant to get a snap of it but I forgot. Sue me. :-P  But here is my opinion of it based on the one mouthful I had last night before bed (I was too full from dinner to actually have a slice even several hours later):

Melissa's Famous Cheesecake

It's good. I mean...really, really good. But I do have one thing that I would do differently next time, and because there will be a next time: more sweetener, in my case, Truvia baking mix. I added 1/3 of a cup and the cheesecake barely tastes sweet at all. It tastes more savory and like cream cheese than anything else. That is disappointing, but it won't stop me from eating it. I did taste it before I put it in the oven, and I found it moderately sweet, which was fine; however, after baking, it is not sweet at all. Hello! I'm having cheesecake because I want something depending on what sweetener you use, it could "bake out", and basically have no taste. Too bad. Now I know for next time, though.

Here is the nutrition info from Melissa's website:

  1. 292 Calories, 29 grams Fat, 2.5 Net Carbs & 6.5 grams Protein per serving (per mini cheesecake--what fits inside a cupcake wrapper).

I'm thinking of making either a chocolate or pumpkin one for Christmas Day.

What are you doing to cope with holiday goodie abundance this year?

*** Update 12 11 14***

Here's a picture of the cheesecake. Yes, it burned on top because I had to make it on a small convection oven I have. The real oven in our new place either doesn't work or is so complex with buttons and gadgets that I can't figure it out. Landlady was no help, either, but one way or another, it's getting resolved. Maybe after the craziness of the holidays is over.

I ate a piece last night with some whipped cream tasted like cream cheese. Do I throw the whole thing out and start over? That's a lot of wasted food, but it just doesn't taste sweet. Ugh. Recommendations? Thoughts? Thanks.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Weight Gain / Food Mindgames

I gained seven pounds in less than a week. A chill ran down my back when I saw those numbers on the scale.

I think I know what happened.

I was at my in-laws over the weekend and with my mom on Sunday and I ate all my meals out. I ate too many carbs. In the past I’ve eaten a few carbs, like pizza, and still lost weight (one slice), but as I am about to reach the eight-month post-surgical mark, my weight loss is slowing down. I need to be more diligent and more mindful now than ever before, particularly as I approach the 100 lbs lost mark.

So we came home Sunday night (oh yeah—we found a place. Well, my husband got a job and then we found a place. We’ve been here a week and it’s a mess LOL), and went straight to the grocery store and bought foods to eat and prepare at home. I’m currently munching on some bacon I purchased last night. We went back to the store so that I could get the items needed to make a low-carb cheesecake. I’ve really been jonesing for the carbs. Stress combined with hormones is always the “fix it with food/carbs” trigger for me. I resisted, for the most part, although I did have some carbs I shouldn’t have thinking that it would be “OK” because I’d had them in the past (pizza crust, bbq beans, tortilla chips with salsa).

The last two days have found me eating cleanly, nearly no carbs (I need to get back to MyFitnessPal to track my protein, fat, and carbs, but we have no net access here at home. UGH. Working on it.) Yesterday I got up and weighed myself—down two pounds. This morning I got up, stepped on the scale, down an additional three pounds. So five of the seven are gone. Hopefully in a few days I’ll be back at 218 and then can move forward toward that 200 lb mark.

Again, this is not about appearance—because honestly, I think I look like hell—but about health. This is about being healthy. My goal was to be under 200 lbs. My surgeon says I should fall in the 150-175 lb category. I think that might be too much weight, but we’ll see.

In the "old days?" I'd get on the scale, see the weight gain, and quit getting on the scale--what I didn't know ostrich head in the stand action. No longer. Now I see a gain and I kick into action. I like that better.

Oh—also? Had carb-fallout diarrhea all day yesterday. That was fun. NOT. Today was just a normal, regular poop. If you’re a DSer, you know how wonderful this is. Especially since it probably means I’ll only go the one time today instead of the 15 I did yesterday while I was out going to appointments and sucking up WiFi at Starbucks. *ahem* Not fun.

Oh, and this is strange:  For the last five years or so the thought of eating an avocado made me wrinkle up my nose and say “yuck.” For whatever reason, over the last month or so that taste has been coming back and I actually had some guacamole last week at a restaurant. It was delicious. So I purchased some avocados the other night to make my own guacamole at home. I make it kind of on the fly—lemon juice, salt and pepper, some ranch dressing, some salsa (I like Pace), then mix it all up. I’m also going to make some cheese “crackers”, which are made by melting little piles of cheese in the oven until they are crisp like a cracker. You get that crunch you crave for a cracker but it’s all protein. I love that. I hope they’re not hard to make.

I’m going to make cheesecake now; I’ll let you know how it turns out. If it’s any good, I’ll put up a link to the recipe.