LilySlim - Weight loss

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Hopes Shattered

Started my period this morning. So much for that (hoping for menopause to start), albeit one week late . This was, however, one of the better PMS weeks I've had since December in that I had no symptoms. None. Other than being starving, but no anger, no stress, no carb cravings. I've been loading in the protein, a LOT. And I've gone down about 9 pounds.

I also got my quarterly labs taken this morning. I've had the paperwork a week, but was either busy or too hungry to drive over for fasting labs. Got it done today. Now I have to get a copy from my doc in a week or ten days or so. Depending on how things look, I may move to bi-annual labs. We're losing our insurance July 1, and going on the exchange (or COBRA through some help-with-payments plan offered by the unemployment office here in Cali, but I didn't really understand how that works--I'll let R figure it out--he's good at untangling bureaucratic BS.), and if last time is any indicator, it will take about four months to get all signed up, insurance cards, etc. Retroactive, of course, but in the meantime, you basically have no access to care if you have no funds.

So there you have it. An update. I know how eagerly all millions of you were awaiting this news. LOL

Have a great day. I'm going to try my best to do so.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015


I usually buy my sunglasses at the dollar store because I lose them easily. I just get a big pair that fits over my regular glasses.

In Target on Monday--my husband need some heavyduty bandwidth for downloading videos for his classroom--so I wandered around to see what I could see.

The last thing I looked at was some sunglasses. I'd seen the style before and I tried them on (over my glasses). They fit like a glove. In the mirror, they looked cute. I took a selfie in them. UGH I thought I looked ridiculous. I put them back and walked away.

That night, I looked at the selfie again: Not too bad. In fact, pretty good. Awesome even. I knew we were going back to Target Monday, again, for the same reason (No, we can't get Internet where we live. We tried.), and I was determined to get those sunglasses. We were at a different Target this time, and they had one pair left. I snapped them up. I lurve them. They were a lot more than I'd pay for some sunglasses, but they felt great and looked great, and if I'm careful, I'll have them a long time ($15-, but still....)

I have to have sunglasses when I'm outside or driving. It's not a nice thing, it's a must. My eyes have problems with very bright light due to my OM diagnosis and treatment in 2012, and I need UV light protection. (You can sometimes get Foster Grants at the dollar store.)

So what do you think?

In other news, I've been starving all week--no carb cravings, no period. Hmmm...--and I've been shoving in protein protein protein and fat like a maniac. I think I'm down about 9 lbs just for this week. WTH?  I'm not complaining, but I do look like an elephant in this poor stretched-out, abused skin. Whatever. My size 14 jeans are getting a little saggy in the butt.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need scrambled eggs. Ciao.
I figured out why they're so awesome:  STEAMPUNK SUNGLASSES!! Facepalm--but of course!

Friday, May 22, 2015

Actual Hunger vs. Head Hunger

I gorged myself yesterday. I should have gained weight. Here is what I ate yesterday:

·         Four “breakfast cookies” with dried blueberries in the batter (the almond thumbprint cookies from a previous post, but without the thumbprint or jam)
·         One grilled fish taco with cabbage and cilantro cream from Claim Jumper (a treat for getting a mammogram and ultrasound, including an “interior ultrasound” *ahem*)
·         Grilled zucchini and carrots
·         One smallish piece of Claim Jumper’s complimentary “cheese bread”
·         Boysenberry cheesecake ice cream (4 scoops) (regular, not SF) with room temp hot fudge and whipped cream
·         Second grilled fish taco from Claim Jumper
·         The rest of the cheese bread with Kerrygold butter
·         Two shrimp enchiladas from Rubios (my husband got take-out)

Instead of gaining weight as I expected, I lost four pounds. Go figure. I was starving all day long. I examined my hunger to see if it were genuine hunger or just psychological “head” hunger. I think it was mostly actual hunger due to the small breakfast (on the fly because I slept too late to make a breakfast at home), and then later with the ice cream was head hunger. After the ice cream was real hunger.

Today? I’m starving again today.  I had a late breakfast, more like a lunch, because I got involved in cleaning off my desk while drinking coffee (Look! A squirrel!), then a long, overdue phone call with a favorite relative who lives out of state. Finally, finally, about noon, I was able to eat some breakfast—spinach and cheddar quiche with bacon on top. An hour later, I followed that up with a bowl of my “protein Jello” with whipped cream (which is now out!! Panic!!) and my fourth cup of coffee (with HWC).

I am still hungry. There is some leftover tri-tip in the fridge from an outing last week. I’m considering grilling it up. I feel “hangry,” that overwhelming sense of “need food NOW!” Maybe my body is doing some work I’m not aware of and I should just answer the call?  Dunno.

I’m going to do what I do a lot nowadays:  Set a time limit. If, in 30 minutes, I still want the tri-tip, I will heat and eat it. If I do not, then I won’t.

This works well for me and helps me distinguish between actual and head hunger. I try to go two hours between snacks and/or meals, then I know it’s genuine hunger. Sometimes my mouth even waters thinking of food. It never did that when I was obese, probably because I was never really physically hungry. How could I be when I ate all day long? Or ate too much at one time that lasted all day long (bloat)?

My tummy just growled. LOL Something else it never did.

This is carb week—the time just before my period, and which should have come by now. Is it the “M word?”  I know for sure that I have two huge pimples on my chin. That’s where I always broke out as a teen and twenty-something. I haven’t broken out in years, so I’m guessing the hormones are in overload (ya think?).

I have not been craving carbs as I have in previous pre-menstrual weeks, although I have been very hangry. Maybe because I have, for the most part, been avoiding carbs.  Ice cream, however, is another thing. It gives me absolutely no problems. In fact, I’ve eaten a lot of ice cream lately. I tried the SF version (diarrhea from sugar alcohols) and the ½ the fat (which is less carbs than the SF), and which also gave diarrhea due to sugar alcohols. So I just pick up the regular ice cream now and I have no problems. I know, it’s weird and not fair. I'm very lucky in so many ways.

To be honest, the only food that bothers me, and has from day one (post surgery) is onions. Any kind, green, yellow, red, white—I haven’t tried shallots—they bloat me up with a lot of gas and pain and then horrible constant diarrhea. I’m pretty sure that’s what put me in the hospital with SVT May 1, 2014. I had ordered a sandwich from Panera, took off the bread and lettuce, but had the turkey slice, roast beef slice, salami slice, provolone, and the red onion. That is the last time I intentionally ate onion.

Grilled onions gave me horrible gas pre-surgery, but I would occasionally eat them because I liked them. I still like onions—grilled or raw—but eating them is a prescription for pain. No thanks. My husband likes it because he hates onions, always has. His (recently late) father, hated them, too.

Nothing bothers me but that. Chicken: fine. Milk: fine. Chocolate: Fine. Steak: Fine. Sugar and flour:  Not fine—gas, bloating, shits. So I do limit that along with rice and potatoes although I do enjoy a few fries of baked laden with butter and sour cream or a sweet potato from time to time. Usually out, not at home. I don’t make that at home.

No nausea, no vomiting (unless I really overeat. That’s only happened 3 times in a year, two of them early out when I was till learning.)

So that’s where I am. And I’m happy with it.

I saw my surgeon last week and he said I’m doing great. He said he expected my weight to settle about 170-175 and then bounce up a bit. That’s a revision from 150-175 he stated in November. I still have a lot of lower belly fat and a giant pregnant-looking hernia. I am going to wait for better insurance (not an HMO) down the road and after my second year of post-WLS/DS before pursuing a repair and possible panni removal. It’s uncomfortable if I’m too full, but it’s manageable, for now, although it sticks out farther than my boobs and I find that weird. Whatev.


It's coming up on 3 o'clock pm, PST, and I am HUNGRY. My stomach is growling. Hello Mr. Tri-tip, lover. :-)


Follow up:  I made more "almond jam thumbprint cookies" with the following changes:

  • 1/4 cup of dried blueberries into batter
  • zest of one whole lemon (I use a microplane)
  • No thumbprint
  • No jam
  • I did smash them flat with the bottom of a glass after rolling them into balls
  • Cooked 17 minutes (my oven is off. Even at 350 vs recommended 325, they weren't done. YMMV)

Result? Delicious, tender, slightly chewy lemon-blueberry breakfast biscuits. Delicious and low carb/high protein friendly.

It made 16 moderate sized cookies. I eat four for breakfast with coffee. Bon Appetit!

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Eating and Loss

I'm so far behind I don't even know where to pick up where I left off.

I do know it must be near the 20th of the month because I'm breaking out like a 15-year-old girl, my brain is foggy, and my mood is spiraling downward--I'd like to crawl in a hole and pull the  cover in over me.

Yesterday I went to see my PCP. I had a long list of things, most of which she agreed with, a few she just sloughed off like "no big deal," which annoyed me, plus the hour-long wait in her lobby. I actually fell asleep in there. By the time I got out of there, the scrambled eggs I'd had four hours earlier had worn off and I was starving. I went to Marie Callendar's. I love their quiche and salad sampler. I don't eat the crust of the spinach / bacon / cheese quiche, I eat most or some of the chicken Waldorf salad, and some of the green salad. I get it every time I go there now how many times I think "try something new." It's just that good and hits the spot.

Yesterday the waitress brought me a big piece of cornbread. I pushed it to the far side of the booth so I wouldn't be tempted and went back to my book.

But of course I was tempted. I broke off a corner with a fork and slathered on a big pile of butter. OMG. Delish. I ate half of it before I got control of myself. I pushed it away again.

My lunch came and I devoured it. I was ravenous.I also had coffee with half and half. I ate all the quiche (not the crust), the chicken salad, and a large portion of the spinach salad before I felt sated and full. I read for a little more, had more coffee, paid the bill, and was preparing to leave when, without forethought, picked up the leftover half of cornbread and started shoving it into my mouth.

Great, I thought...there goes every single one of my carbs for today and maybe tomorrow. Sigh.  I had been trying to take off five pounds I'd put on the last two weeks after my FIL's death and then the following week during my marathon, every day, doctors' appointments week last week. I had already gone down two pounds. I figured this would stall me or put me back up.

Later, I had a bowl of my cottage cheese Jello with whipped cream. A piece of peppermint taffy my husband brought home from school. Coffee with HWC. I wanted food, but I was full. Then the spaghetti my husband said he didn't want turned into "where is the spaghetti" at about 9:30 pm. &^%$  So I cooked it for him. Then I had my leftover Italian sausage appetizer that I had brought home after a dinner date with my dad on Saturday. (Great restaurant, OMG, everything was fantastic including service). I put a little tomato sauce with veggie crumbles over it, a slice of provolone, some grated parmesan, nuked it. Fabulous. I couldn't eat all the cheese.

Side note: I hadn't seen my dad since July, had gone down about 80-90 pounds, and he literally did not recognize me. I found that wholly amusing.

Got in bed and I tried reading to fall asleep, but was still hungry.

About 1 am I got up and had a bowl of Dreyer's S'Mores ice cream with whipped cream. Then I had a second bowl. I finally fell asleep and woke up feeling like crap.

The fallout? I'm down two pounds.

I know, it doesn't make sense to me, either.

I also made those almond cookies with lemon zest and some dried blueberries for my breakfast this week. I overcooked them so they're dry, but they taste good and satisfy my donut cravings as we move into carb week. Ahem.

I need to do some laundry before I go to the dentist at 1 o'clock, but it doesn't look like I'm going to make it. I just cannot get my shit together. I need a shower. I need more breakfast. I want to finish my coffee. I feel limp and energy-less.

Tomorrow I get mammogrammed and a pelvic ultrasound on my journey toward resolution of PMS dysphoria. That's what the doctor said I probably have. There is treatment for it, but we have to go through all the motions first. I turned in blood work to check my hormones last week. I see her on the 4th. Hopefully I won't hit, bite, break, or kill anyone or anything between now and then. *fingerscrossed*

PS:  If I've repeated myself here anywhere, I'm sorry. My memory is crap and my brain is only in first gear lately.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Life Goes On

I got my hair cut, finally, by a pro, not some fresh out of cosmetology school dingleberry at Supercuts. She did an awesome job. I LOVE it. She showed me how to style it, I just hope I can manage it at home. I'm very happy with it.

The woman is an old school friend of my husband's, and I've been wanting her to cut my hair for years. We talked about a pixie cut, but she said what I was afraid to say out loud, that it would be "too masculine" for me. I'm tall and broad shouldered and get called "Sir" a lot already. No need to encourage that. This was my other choice.  It's a little windblow in the photo (we had a surprise rainstorm here yesterday and last night), but essentially, this is the haircut I've wanted for years. And she cut us a break on the price. I didn't know until we'd left or I would have fought her on it. We did give her a big tip. Kindness is coming at us from all directions, the whole family. It's good to have those friends in your life. Makes those hard blows like death a little easier to bear. A good haircut doesn't hurt, either.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Doing All Right

Eating and other ways.

Yesterday was a very difficult one--my father-in-law passed away. He was in late state ALS. He'd been in hospital for six weeks on a respirator via a tracheostomy, and which he HATED. He also had pneumonia, sepsis, and a bed sore. The four IV antiobiotics he was on made him feel like shit. He couldn't talk. He'd been on a GI feeding tube for the last year and lost the ability to clearly enunciate his words last December. He hated being in bed and not being able to do all the things he liked to do--he was constantly busy, working on some project or other. He said he felt like he was being tortured. It was his decision to cease the IV antibiotics and get off the respirator. We all supported him in that decision and stood by as he died, quietly, pain-free.

I did some stress eating all while acknowledging in my head that it was stress eating--a Hershey Symphony bar with toffee chips and almonds, and four 1/2 donuts, so two whole donuts over the course of a day, otherwise I stuck with protein and fat and lots of coffee, iced tea, and Crystal Light blackberry lemonade (the squeezable stuff, made with honey but low carb).

I remember standing there, crying, watching him struggle for his last breaths, and wishing for a biscuit with butter, and then feeling stupid for wanting carbs as I watched a man die. That really drove home for me the level of addiction (is that the best word?) that carbs have for me. My first reaction is to stuff something in my mouth. At least yesterday I did eat crap mindfully and minimally. There was a moderate amount of fallout (the runs) but not enough that it interfered with my activities.

In the meantime, my pants are all baggy in the seat and thighs. I'm sure I've lost in the waist but until that hernia is repaired there's no way to know. I look more pregnant every day. Whatev. I am not happy with the discomfort, however.

Today was a much, much better eating day. I'm at my in-laws, I've been here for five days and will be here through Sunday. Breakfast with my mom for mother's day, lunch with my husband's mum, then back home. I'll be delighted to be there again. Our landlady's high school age daughter is taking care of our cats. I hope they're not too miserable.

So this week was a tough one. I didn't drink, smoke, cheat on my husband, or binge. Considering the level of stress and sadness, I call that a win.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Despite it All

I continue to shrink.

My thighs look like those of an elephant--wrinkly from knee to crotch. I'm not thrilled about that.

My new size 16 pants that were snug? Are sliding off of me. I was a size 16 in high school after losing 35 pounds on Weight Watchers and I was very thin--my hip bones jutted out--and I wore a size 16 at 175 lbs. I'm 188 lbs (last time I weighed on Thursday), so thirteen pounds, so how can I be smaller now than when I was 16? Distribution? I don't know. I'm glad I got all the pants on clearance at Kohl's, but damn. I thought I'd really be in a size 16. Now it's looking like I might hit a size 14. I don't remember the last time I wore that. I was a size nine in 9th grade, but by 10th grade I was a 16 (and I had also been taken off of the amphetamines that I took for ADD, and which were an appetite suppressant, [abruptly by well-meaning, but wrong, relatives], so I skipped over sizes 10 - 14 and went right to 16.

I gotta tell you, it's weird.

I take a lot of selfies because I'm still startled when I look in the mirror, or someone (men) holds a door for me, gives me a smile or a compliment ("I like our necklace" I got that at the grocery store on Friday. I've had that necklace for years, no one ever complimented me on it. Fat people are so devalued in society.). I'm still the same person, just a different shape and size. As much I as appreciate the attention, which is also annoying, I really resent it, too. I'm smaller so now I matter. I'm "prettier" by social standards so now I am treated better. I'm sorry, but that is really fucked.

After I left the hospital today, I put on KFI. I love talk radio, what can I say? Although I really dislike John an Ken. They're on M-F, 3 - 7 pm. I turn them off, but I like the other hosts and in particular, Tim Conway, Jr who is on 7 - 10. He's a rip even if I don't agree with him politically, and which he rarely discusses.

At any rate, on Sunday, there is a new afternoon show hosted by Zoey Tur, former news chopper reporter Bob Tur famous for following and providing narration during OJ's low speed Broncho chase in 94. And he talked about how he felt marginalized by some after becoming a woman. About how when her car battery died, the repairman tried to teach her how to use the jumper cables. "I can dismantle and repair a jet engine," she said laughingly. And how if she goes outside without a shirt on, she can get a ticket for indecent exposure just for "showing my boobs. I know some heavy men who have boobs, but they don't get tickets." Different view from the other side of the tracks, eh Zoey?

I'm experiencing a similar thing except instead of male to female, I've gone from obese to thin=beautiful. And yeah, it pisses me off.

I'm super tired and I lost my train of thought--my FIL is dying and I've had a lot on my plate lately with more to come. I'll have to pick this up another time.