LilySlim - Weight loss

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Low Carb Pumpkin Scones

I made these on Thursday (I think). The recipe is from AlldaylongIdreamaboutfood. I've made a number of recipes from the site, and they've all turned out well. This one did also; however, there is a caveat:  They're good right out of the oven or the next day, but after that? They're terrible. Ugh.

Also? It makes A LOT of scones. I'm just one person. Even if I ate one every day--which is a lot of damn pumpkins scones--they'd go bad before I had a chance to eat them. So if I make these again, I would cut the recipe in half and freeze all but two of them. I would probably also put them back into the oven to bake more after freezing to renew the flavor and crunch of the scone.

The scones I made? Have gone bad. Maybe it's the heat. I have eight left (I gave one to my mom), and I'm going to have to chuck them. I tried a bite last night and it just Yuck. So word--if you make these, and you don't have mouths that can eat them within 48 hours, I would freeze them.

Also? I've been totally off processed carbs for two weeks, and my weight is dropping like a stone. I hit 171 this morning, my lowest weight since I was a pre-teen. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It was never about looks or a number for me, but health. Although I do admit enjoying shopping in the normal-sized racks of clothes and having them look nice because more choices, I'm only human. And female. :D

Right now, I'm having trouble eating enough. Nothing sounds good, I'm not hungry. I'm just shoveling the food in. Yesterday I had my low carb berry clafouti for breakfast and dinner. It's all that sounded good. I've been adding in either one protein shake or one protein bar per day to keep my protein up. Neither of them taste that great, but that's not the point.

Jeez I'm tired. I'm going to urgent care to start my journey to get an iron infusion, again, tomorrow. I have another appointment in the area so two birds, one stone, save on gas.

Speaking of gas, I just ran out. I gotta go lie down.


GRE taken on Monday, 91% on verbal. Most excellent.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Thigh Gap

I never, never had this, even in elementary school. I remember a group of us in 2nd grade sitting in a circle in the classroom and someone pointing out the size of everyone's thighs (we all wore mini-skirts in the early 70s. Anything else was square.). Mine were dubbed "the biggest", and I wasn't even overweight in 2nd grade. I was just...big. I've always been a large person. But that comment has stayed with him.

So I took this photo at my mom's about a week ago. I was sitting down, my knees were touching, and I saw the gap. I was astonished. I'm still adjusting to this "new body.

I just want to add that I'm sitting down with my legs angling up a little bit. When I'm standing, all the extra skin heads for my knees and bags up. I'll get a picture of it. It's not pretty, but, well, that's how it is. I have no desire to have surgery on my thighs. None. I'll live with it. Arms and boobs? Maybe. 

Saturday, September 26, 2015


My kitty woke me up at dawn this morning, as usual, to be let out. I let her out and came back to bed. R used to do this because he's a very light sleeper. Paige has figured out that if she meows right in my ear I'll wake up. LOL Smart kitty.

So I went back to bed and just laid there, awake, and tired. I thought about getting up and starting some GRE review, but I was just too damn tired to get up. I started wondering if I should take myself to the ER. I can't seem to get any medical help through normal channels.

I finally fell back asleep and then woke up about 9 o'clock and just laid there, quietly, and thought about stuff.

I put today aside to review the GRE so I'll be ready to do a good job on Monday. But I'm SO tired. Just thinking about going for another cup of coffee or cleaning the litter boxes makes me cringe a little because it involves getting up and walking.

I'm that tired.

But I don't want anything interfering with my grad application like missing the GRE on Monday. I think after that I'll take myself over to either the ER or urgent care. I need refills, a hematologist/iron infusion, and something is going on with my kidneys.

I hope I make it through. I'm considering a nap right now and I've only been up for two hours. UGH. This is ridiculous.

I hate Medi-Cal. I really hate it. I didn't apply for it; it was forced on me by Covered California (Obamacare). I thought our income was too high to qualify, and even R. said he thought we were over by about $50-, but that maybe they put us on there because of my cancer diagnosis? Who knows. It sucks, though. The standard of care is much lower. When it comes to my health? I want the best. At least my retinologist/oncologist accepts it. Since that's the thing that has the greatest potential to kill me, that is a priority. There is a 50% metastasis rate regardless of gene marker. I've not mentioned this to my family, particularly my elderly parents, as I don't want them to worry. But it does hover in the background on a daily basis. I keep moving forward as if I won't be affected--how can you live any other way? Hope for the best, expect the worst.

In the meantime, if I don't get an iron infusion, I may just go to sleep and never wake up. That's what it feels like from here right now.

Friday, September 25, 2015

Stress Level: RED

I posted this on some of my DS groups soliciting advice. I'm putting it here also as an update.--SJ

This has been a very, very weird and stressful week. One of the strangest was this, and I'm asking for input because I'm just at a loss. On Wed, as I was driving 100 miles north to visit my father, my new doctors' office called to tell me that because I hadn't submitted a follow-up urinalysis, my appointment  for the next morning was cancelled and they couldn't see me. Huh? I said what about the other things I need treatment for like hernia, iron infusion, refills? No, the nurse/Nazi said, "It's against our policy." To punitively punish someone when they make an all-too-human mistake? I forgot to get the urinalysis, so eff all my other health concerns? I've never heard of anything like this. So I fired them over the phone, and told her I was filing a complaint with the state. So now I'm at step one, again. I've needed an iron infusion since MAY. I'm at my wit's end. I just can't git 'er done. I live near [high desert town] CA, and I have straight Medi- Cal (not my choice, trust me). If anyone knows of a hematologist in the SoCal region (I'll drive!) that takes straight Medi -Cal, I will drive however far it takes. I'm just...exhausted. Physically and mentally. I'll be filing my complaint letter later today. Right now I gotta take a nap. Thanks for letting me vent. :-)

Saturday, September 19, 2015


I know, I know, I'm waaaay behind. I've been paying attention to my real life as I applied, quickly, to grad school (I thought I had until the 1st of October. Uh, no. The 15th. As in last Tuesday. Oops. Got'er done tho.), and deal with the fallout of the end of my marriage. Did I mention that or not? If not, I'll get to it. If I did, it's fine. Really. Nothing earth-shattering.

So here are some pictures I took last week as I was preparing to go up to Central Cali to change cars with my husband and visit my BFF.

It's been a long time since I've worn bikini underwear, and I'm surprised that I even find them comfortable at all. No string bikinis, but these moderate bikinis are super awesome. I got them at Ross. They are size 8. LOL  I haven't worn that size since my early 20s (ladies' underwear sizes are typically half of the pants so, so in my case, a 16, which although accurate, is plunging toward 14.).

Here is the front:

That's a mighty big scar on my bellybutton. And that is a new ^ bra. Maidenform, $6.99 at Ross. Very silky and soft, and very comfortable. It's the nicest bra I think I've ever owned. It' a 40D. I think I may need to go to a 38C. We'll see how it all plays out.

And from the side, I give you Petunia. And why I'm uncomfortable and my clothes don't fit and women (and some men) look at me like, "Awwww, how sweet. She's pregnant."


Yeah, I'm pregnant, with an ALIEN!!  :P

I had an ultrasound on it last Monday, it's something called a "Richter's Hernia." I hope to have it repaired before the end of the year. We'll see.

Now I'm tired, I gotta go sit down and read some more. I'm exhausted from my nap. It's the anemia. I woke up this morning with my heart pounding, pulse beating in my eyes and ears, and breathing hard. I see my doc this Thurs. If I don't get sent to a hematologist, I'm going to either urgent care or the ER. Uckfay Itay.


Weight today:  176.

Friday, September 11, 2015

Change of POV

Yesterday an idea popped into my head that I think is going to help with my carb cravings, food addiction, and emotional eating.

Instead of focusing on the stuff I cannot have, thus feeling deprived, I need to focus on what I can have. And that list is huge.

I guess, no, I know, I have been thinking and behaving as if well, now that I've lost all the weight I want to lose, and diabetes and HBP are in remission, I am going to eat what I wanna eat.

Uh, no.

It's not about losing weight, JULES. *thumptohead* It's about your health. It always has been about your health. With my lab results just coming in and several things being out of whack, I need to make some changes to my diet and nutrition to return to better health. I feel like crap right now. I'm sure most of it is the anemia (I'm working on it), but I've felt blah since about the first of the year.

Turns out? My protein is low. I told my mom yesterday, "I never thought I would ever say 'I'm not eating enough.'"  LOL  Seriously.

So I still have a couple of tubs of various flavors of protein powder for shakes, so I had one last night before bed. Syntrax Nectar Caribbean Cooler, it tastes like pineapple, mixes with a spoon in water, and I popped it into a big sippy cup with ice and a straw and sucked it down in about 10 minutes. I got not only 23g of protein, but about 16 ounces of water. Win/win.  I just had another one before coffee and first breakfast.

Now I'm having a slice of the peach clafouti I made last night (recipe in previous post), with whipped cream, and it is delicious.

Before I head out of town for an overnight trip, I am going to have some scrambled eggs with beef chorizo and cheese.

OMG, delicious. I'm enjoying it so much. I don't feel deprived. I feel sated, full, and the protein is not bad, about 8g of protein because I cut my clafouti into sixths, not eighths.

So I need to change my focus to the good foods I can eat. And I can eat moderate amounts of fruits and vegetables now. Not like before, certainly not, but a handful of lettuce supporting a boiled egg, bacon, cheese, nuts (once I get used to the dentures and they are relined because they are too loose right now), dressing.

So it's about gratitude. There are people on feeding tubes who can't eat. My father-in-law was on one for over a year. He said "eating is overrated." He would sit at the table with us for family dinners on holidays, and just look at the food and enjoy being with his family. He never acted deprived, although periodically he would ask for a tiny cup of coffee, which he would sip very carefully so as not to choke. He was a die-hard coffee addict. Coffee and related gifts always made him happy. (For those unaware, he had ALS and ALS either starts from the top down, or the bottom up. He was a top down, so the muscles in his throat atrophied and swallowing became a nightmare. Aspirating any fluid into the lungs while choking could trigger pneumonia, which is a slippery slope to a fast death. He was able to walk, albeit slowly and short distances, right up to his final hospitalization, for pneumonia. He handled it better than I would. He passed this last May.)

I'm lucky. My mouth, throat, stomach still work. Focusing on what I should not eat is ridiculous. I need to count my blessings and quit feeling sorry for myself.

I feel foolish saying this all now, but food addiction is a real thing. Just ask any obese or formerly obese person. How many alcoholics could get through the day just having three beers and no more per day. How successful do you think they would be? That's what it's like being a food addict. I need to have three protein-heavy meals per day, and two snacks. Actually, it's more like 5-6 small meals per day.

I need to get back to tracking on MyFitnessPal. I had the app installed on my phone, but it kept crashing and then freezing my Android phone, so I finally took it off. I never added it back onto my new phone, and the spotty wifi here has made it difficult to post online.

But those are excuses.

I can still write stuff down instead of trying to remember everything in my brain. (Not!)

I've written down everything for yesterday and so far today and at some point I'll get it input into MFP.

This feels like a revelation. How many other food addicts have come to this realization on their own? It took about nine months (carb cravings started after Christmas when I indulged for the whole day and then kept indulging, on/off, on/off, on/off. Once you get started....) for this to finally smack me in the face. But I think this is good. I'm excited. I want to be healthy. I want to go back to taking walks and start lifting weights (as soon as the anemia is addressed, doctor's orders).

I'm not suffering. I'm lucky.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Trouble in River City

I picked up my labs on Tuesday, .25 cent per page (what. ever.) and most things are good, but duh, I'm anemic (11, same as in May so it hasn't gone down either), but I have oxalate crystals in my urine. I need to up my fluid intake.

I feel like I'm constantly carrying liquids around or getting more liquids to drink but evidently it is not enough. It also says to keep away from tea. I drink A LOT of iced tea. Dammit. Also? No berries. Shit. There's more, but I'm short for time.

Also have been having the shits since 5 am and hoping it will cease long enough for me to make an appointment with the Calfresh people in 90 minutes. That would suck (shitting my pants ugh).

So I'll be back later.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Low Carb Clafouti

This is a MUST make whether you're a DSer, Paleo, or normal weight is THAT good. I made it with fresh raspberries, and oh. my. g*d. SO good. I eat it for breakfast (it's mostly eggs). I like it slightly warm, so 30 seconds in the nuker, then add whipped cream. It is very filling in addition to being delicious. I give all props to I Breathe, I'm Hungry. Every recipe I've made there has come out and been yummy. If you're not reading her, you're missing out.

Now go, you need to make this, today. I mean it.

Low Carb Clafouti

·         1 Tbsp salted butter
·         1 cup unsweetened almond milk (I used regular 2% milk. I am not a fan of almond or soy milk for that matter. Just...yuck.)
·         ¼ cup heavy whipping cream
·         cup granulated sugar substitute (I used Splenda baking blend)
·         ½ tsp cherry extract (I did not use this)
·         1 Tbsp vanilla extract (I would increase this to perhaps 1 1/2 tbsp, or to taste)
·         ½ tsp xanthan gum (I don't know if this is really necessary. It is a small amount, however.)
·         pinch of kosher salt (regular salt is fine, 1/8 tsp)
·         6 eggs
·         1 cup almond flour (I use Trader Joe's almond meal. It tastes really good.)
·         1.5 cups fresh cherries, pitted and halved (or fruit of your choice, see #6 below)

1.   Preheat oven to 400 degrees (F.)
2.   Use the butter to grease a 9 or 10" cast iron pan or baking dish, or a large (12) muffin pan (or two 6 muffin pans.) I used a deep dish glass pie plate
3.   Combine the almond milk, heavy cream, sweetener, cherry extract, vanilla extract, xanthan gum, salt, and eggs in a blender and blend for about 10 seconds. I don't know that the xantham gum is necessary, and I am going to back off a little bit on the almond flour--I like a more eggy clafouti.
4.   Add the almond flour and blend for an additional 30 seconds or until smooth.
5.   Pour the mixture into the pan or muffin tins.
6.   Spread the cherries, (raspberries for me, but any fruit you like. Lighter berries like blueberry will sink to the bottom. It won't affect the taste, only the appearance. Peaches might work, too.) cut side up evenly over the top of the batter.
7.   Bake for 18 - 20 minutes if making 4" muffins (or until set & a knife in the center comes out clean.)
8.   Bake for 35 minutes if making in one large pan (or until set & a knife in the center comes out clean.)
9.   Serve warm or chilled.
Approximate nutrition information per serving:

Slice from pan (1/8th): 194 calories, 15g fat, 6g net carbs, 8g protein

One "muffin" (1/12th): 129 calories, 10g fat, 4g net carbs, 6g protein

Here's the one I made. Really good, warmed with whipped cream.

Reboot: Day III

I'm not gonna lie:  Yesterday was pretty awful. I stayed on my food targets, but boy did I want to binge. Fortunately I don't keep carbie snacks in the house (and duh), and I was feeling too down to dress and drive to town for a carbie snack, even though I wanted one.

Instead, I had some chocolate, some Truffle Fry chips with Ranch dip (homemade), and instead of "a serving," I had half a bag. Uh, yeah. Within an hour the diarrhea started and didn't abate until after dark. I cannot do a lot of fat at one time or it goes right through me. I have to stay within the boundaries of what my body can tolerate. My surgeon does the Hess Method when he does the DS, so what I can tolerate is individualized to my body (weight, height, age, sex, metabolism), and he does not recommend a high fat diet for his patients. A certain amount (which you need to determine for yourself through trial and error), is necessary, but not to excess. I've never had a fat bomb and bulletproof coffee (with butter) just makes me want to gag. Yuck. Fortunately, I rarely have constipation issues, especially if I keep protein around 100g per day, and fat also, spread out through the course of the day, not all at once.

But let me be clear, I was a miserable person yesterday. I read and messed around all day after spending all of Friday cleaning. My husband left to go run errands, which I knew meant he would be gone until who-knows-when, and he was. He showed up around 10 pm, and hadn't even started packing for his move up north to start his new job on Tuesday morning. *rolleyes*

I was like a caged animal yesterday, pacing around wanting carbs, carbs, carbs, but I knew if I gave in, it would lead to more carbs and more carbs. It was a LONG day.

Today I woke up down a pound (thankyoujesus), and the carb cravings have abated. Hallelujah.

This week is going to be about two things:  Doctor appointments and cleaning. My husband took all his stuff with him, even the stuff still packed in plastic tubs. He's going to be staying with a relative until he gets his first paycheck at the end of the month (and TG for that. I told him to buy them a nice bottle of wine as a thank you when he gets there. He should arrive around dark and then he'll have all day tomorrow to get settled in. He took the van, so I'm going to meet him halfway this weekend so we can swap cars. He hates the minivan and I hate the T-bird LOL, but he needed to take the van to get all his stuff in there. No way would it have fit in the T-bird.

I need to go get vitamins, I ran out a few days ago because the money ran out SIGH. I see one of the drug stores is having a buy one / get one free sale. I need a multi, BiOtin, and Caltrate. I hope those are all on sale. The specialty stuff I get from Amazon.

And stocking up on protein at the grocery store today.

I hope you have a lovely Labor Day. The temps are finally down, fall is in the air, and I'm feeling more or less like a sane person. :-)

Saturday, September 5, 2015

ReBoot: Day II


No processed carbs (read: baked goods, my addiction). I spent the day cleaning and got quite a bit done. Weight is down, after a brief bounce up, and carb cravings are easing up considerably.


If I make it through today--and I have no doubt I will--then the coming days and weeks will be much, much easier to handle, nutritionally.

Man, it's a lot of work.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Reboot: Day 1


I made through the day without any flour, grains, or other simple carbs or sugars (not including one dark chocolate Hershey's kiss).

Two more days and hopefully the chemicals in my brain will quit yammering for sugar.



I am nothing if not determined. I do not give up easily despite being an anxious depressive. There may be delays, but I don’t quit. It took me 27 years to finish college, but I never get up. I took time off, but always went back.

Eighteen months ago I had my guts rearranged in order to reverse Type II Diabetes, reduce my heart attack and stroke risk (which is triple the rate of the GP for diabetics), and lose some weight. I also got rid of high blood pressure. Bonus. I knew I would lose weight, but it really didn’t hit home to me just how dramatic that weight loss would be.

I didn’t plan on being this thin. And truthfully, I could safely lose another 20 pounds. I don’t like how I look. I look gaunt, tired, wrinkly, and saggy in a lot of places that are fortunately covered up by clothes.

What I wanted was health. And right now? I’m not healthy.

Oh sure, the diabetes is in remission, the HBP is now low blood pressure (with it’s own challenges like orthostatic hypotension [dizziness upon standing]) and I have to look at my deformed body in the mirror every day. Yes, evidently I am that shallow.

But I’m anemic. How badly I don’t know since the doctor seems to think that’s secret information she needs to keep from me. She’s getting a visit from me on Friday, in person.
I’ve been craving and eating carbs for the last 24 hours. I’ve had gas that smells worse than any sewer or cow yard I’ve ever smelled. I’ve also had diarrhea. I was mainlining carbs yesterday like Jesse Pinkman on a bad day.

I don’t like how it makes me feel, both physically and mentally. I feel ashamed, weak, and out of control. My body feels horrible—uncomfortable, jittery, and gassy. Because of the frequent bathroom trips this morning, I was unable to make it to the walk-in psych clinic. Today I am taking my mom to the doctor, so I'll have to try again on Monday.

But as far as nutrition, I’m going to start from the beginning.

Tomorrow, my breakfast is going to be a protein shake, chocolate, and I’m going to throw in an Oikos vanilla Greek yogurt in there along with the ice, and drink it while on the way to my mom’s. I’m taking her to the doctor tomorrow (praying to the traffic gods right now—let it be clear!). She’s offered to take me to lunch—very nice—which will probably be Thai food or Denny’s. I hope Thai. They have some very good healthy choices for DSers.

For dinner, another shake with Greek yogurt. Snacks? We’ll see if I’m hungry. If I am it’ll be boiled eggs, cheese, or slices of lunchmeat (from the deli counter, not the plastic wrap).

I’m going to do this for three days to detox from carbs and get rid of the cravings.

Then I’m going to do something I never have done:  Menu Plan. At least for one week. R should be here when I get home tomorrow (or perhaps late tonight? He’s off galavanting around visiting friends and relatives before he heads up north. Fine.), so I’ll see if he needs meals made for him, too. We’re damn near out of money—the rent’s not paid—hopefully his dock check will be here Friday or we are fucked. Regardless, when I get home from mom’s tomorrow, I’m going to plan my menu breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks for seven days, and I’m going to stick to it. No more giving into cravings ignoring leftovers because I’m “bored” with them. I need to eat like I care about my health, because I do.

Food addiction and emotional eating are real things. Studies have been done from reputable schools and published in peer-reviewed journals. I take them seriously. But like the shoe company says, the best way to get over carb and other food addictions is to Just. Do. It.

A few months ago I purchased a coloring book and pencils, and my favorite aunt also sent me a coloring book. They’ve sat in the box from Amazon since March. I need to implement them. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Once I’m released by my doctor to return to exercising, I plan to do that, too, instead of eating. I miss going on walks. I want to do it. My body just can’t do it right now.

So that’s my plan. I’ll be honest as I go along, and we’ll see how it helps with my general health, mood, depression and anxiety.

Fingers crossed, into the deep end.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Pimento Cheese

Pimento Cheese

I made it the same night I made the almond-topped peaches. I started with the *Pioneer Woman’s recipe, and made some changes based on my tastes.

How does it taste?

First, let me put up my ingredient list:

Pimento Cheese

4 ounces cream cheese, softened
½ cup full fat mayonnaise
2 cups grated / 16 ounces (not from the bag, you grate it) cheese. I like sharp cheddar
4 ounces diced pimentos, drained
Chopped garlic to taste
Garlic salt to taste (I have low blood pressure so I salt everything)
Black pepper to taste
Smoked paprika to taste

Blend in food processor using quick bursts until consistency of your choice. I like smooth but slightly chunky.

This is what it looked like before I put it in the refrigerator to chill over.

How is it? In a word? YUCK.

So what went fundamentally wrong with my pimento cheese?
I added ½ tsp of smoked paprika from Trader Joe’s. I tasted it. I couldn’t taste the smoked paprika. I added another ½ teaspoon, tasted again. Much better. Put it into a plastic bowl with a lid and popped it into the fridge before going to bed.

Once it sits and the flavors combine? The paprika took over the whole taste of the dish. I can’t taste the cheese, the salt, the pepper, the pimentos, nothing. Just the paprika.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with it. I’m thinking of making a fresh batch and adding the paprika batch in doses to use it up. I hate to waste food—that just chaps my hide.
So yes, there will be a next time—I really like pimento cheese—and it’s an awesome high protein/fat meal or snack for DSers.

How do you make your pimento cheese?

*I’ve been reading the Pioneer Woman since 2007. I’ve made a few of her recipes and most of them don’t work for me. I’ve had more failures than successes. One cannot, however, deny her brilliant marketing and the success she has achieved for her and her family. For that I applaud her. I also realize that everything on her blog needs to be taken with a pound of salt. I’m neither a fan nor a hater—I’m indifferent. 

Tuesday, September 1, 2015


I finally saw the gynecologist today.  He looked very stern in his scrubs (with hat) and white lab coat, but he had a cute accent that reminded me of a friend who is from the Carribean.

The appointment started out a little rocky, but by the end of the visit we were both on the same page and he even brought up some things that I had brought up to my former PCP (the elderly woman) who poo-poo'd it: He wants me to have it checked (x-ray for arm pain I've had for about a year. It occurs only at night and is bad enough to wake me up. I take one prescription 600 mg ibuprofen before bed and instead of hurting every night, it's perhaps once a week. Also? Ibuprofen helps me sleep reeeeaally good.).

So I'm going to have a hysteroscopy (sp?) in October, so basically a diagnostic D&C to get a good look and pathology of the fibroids, polyp, and endometrium. Yee ha. He said based on that he may or may not recommend a hysterectomy, but he seems to lean away from surgery unless absolutely necessary. I like that.

So I was there two hours, I brought my Kindle (I threw up my hands in surrender and am reading Divergent. It started out well, now I'm getting bored with all the fight scenes. *yawn* I'll rent the movie after I'm done. Why not extend the torture? :D )

I still haven't had an answer from my PCP re: anemia / iron infusion, and when I called today they refused to release a copy of my labs to me before the doctor reviews it. Sigh.  I nearly fainted in the shower this morning. I had two sips of coffee, got in the shower, and was finishing up when I started to feel nauseous, dizzy, and the snowy TV pattern was appearing before my eyes. I bent over and put my hands on my knees before I fainted for a minute or so, it improved, so I rinsed the conditioner out of my hair, felt queasy and dizzy again, and just hopped out asoaking wet nd sat on the toilet putting my head between my knees until it passed again. Hey, lady at the doctor's office, if I do faint? I'm totally calling for an ambulance and making the insurance pay for it. I'm serious. I'm tired of dicking around with this. I have stuff to do. I don't have time to be exhausted.

I also found a mental health facility that takes Medi-Cal (my therapist recommended them to me), and for first-time appointments, it is walk-in only, M-TH, 8 am to 10:30 am. Guess what I'm doing tomorrow? I need my meds tweaked. I'm an anxious, twitchy, effed up mess. For no reason I can discern. I wake up like this. I'm stress eating carbs to deal with the anxiety the last 24 hours. It pisses me off that it actually helps. But this cannot be sustained. It's not healthy and I don't want to get diabetes again.

So that's my deal. One thing at a time.

Did you make the peaches yet?