LilySlim - Weight loss

Sunday, August 31, 2014


After some serious and diligent work on maintaining protein, fat, and low carbs, I lost a pound since last Wednesday. Hallelujah.

I've also added more exercise to my routine. My formerly broken ankle with the two plates and ten pins can make it difficult as it did tonight. It was, and is, really hurting, but I managed to slog out a good mile before I gave up the ghost (my husband went for the car and came and picked me up.). It's hard to describe what it feels like, but a handcuff too tight around the ankle or, as was the case tonight, around my foot itself, right across the top of the foot. Ow, dammit.

Also? My back was screaming at me in agony.

I was hoping that walking could reduce these issues by making them more flexible, but it's just not happening. That doesn't mean I give up. My body craves exercise, now. I sat for a large part of the day (brunch out with my mom and hubs), and my butt was hurting. My butt really goes to sleep quickly now since there's so much of it missing. Ha!

So I've been extremely diligent about what I've eaten over the last four days, but I still want stuff. It's the comfort and entertainment that I've used most of my life. All of my adult life for sure. I want cherry pie a la mode, but, if true to form when I've given in to a craving, it won't taste as good as I expect it will.

I also know just how much marketing is aimed us to buy, buy, buy stuff we don't normally, don't want, and don't need. It's not an accident that the grocery store puts the baked goods--cake, donuts, pie, cookies, OMG--right by the entrance. It's hard not to be triggered. I trigger on food cravings visually extremely quickly. Getting them to go away takes much, much longer.

So I am resisting for all the right reasons, but it makes me sad. It makes me sad even knowing that I was sick, too heavy for my joints and bones, lethargic, miserable, and slowly dying. I know all that, and that's why I am trying so hard to stay on the right path, but it is a type of grieving over losing my playmate, my security blanket. my entertainment. I'm not going to break out of these patterns by giving in every time something becomes overwhelming. I need to focus and keep my body healthy, that's why I did this whole damn surgery in the first place. I was comfortable with my looks, but I knew I was dying one bite at a time. That's why I did this. I'd love to get another forty years out of this body. We'll see how she goes.

So it's 11:45 pm on Sunday before Labor Day, and I've entered everything into MyFitnessPal, which, now that I have the hang of it I lurve...and the exercise, and I still need 32 grams of protein. I'm at 38 g of carb leaving 12 if I want to hit 50g. We'll see. I just had four fresh strawberries, sliced by me, some Stevia, some half and half, and some whipped topping, the kind out of the tub (generic not brand name), and I'm kind of full. I added the strawberries in yesterday to quench an ice cream craving. It worked very well.

Unfortunately, along with the strawberries we purchased yesterday, I purchased a pint of heavy whipping cream (HWC), and while I was out today my MIL drank the whole fucking thing. This is on top of the four cans of whipped cream I purchased last week and had only two iced coffees topped with whipped cream this whole week--someone who is not me has a serious dairy addiction. Ahem. I told my hubs, "I can't believe she's not had a heart attack with the amount of dairy she consumes." I mean, hell, I'm a DS patient, we need a certain amount of fat every day, and I couldn't eat/drink a whole pint of HWC myself in one day!! WTF?

This after I got my BIL to quit eating my food. My MIL always says she'll replace it, but never does, and at the risk of sounding ungrateful...yes, we're staying with them free while my hubs looks for a job; they don't buy food for us we buy our own; but if they do eat some of my food? I nearly always can't afford to replace it, and that's a problem to me. I have a very specific diet and I'm having enough trouble keeping my focus on the goal and off the pastries and I can't afford to have my treats eaten by others who promise but don't replace the eaten items.

If we're still here in ten days, we're buying a mini fridge for our bedroom. I can't take much more of this. Yes, I'm grateful, it could be worse, blahdy blah...but this is not the best place for us to be. My hubs is trying, he's had 17 interviews in two months. Something's got to give, right? Right?

Fortunately, fall is on its way, my favorite season even though it still doesn't get cold enough here in SoCal for me to wear sweaters, anything is better than the high temps of summer. I'm not a fan of the heat.

I think I'll give it an hour or so and then see if I can fit in a yogurt or some ham and cheese roll ups to meet my protein goals. We'll see.

Also? On the poop patrol? Yesterday I went twice, today nothing. You just never know with this thing. I ate a lot of protein yesterday, it just didn't matter. It is what it is. :-)  So hopefully I'll go in the am, as is usual, and I'll have dropped another pound. We'll see.


Thursday, August 28, 2014

Flayling: Eating Crap...?

Well, I thought I was. Today was not a great eating day, but I decided to be brutally honest with myself and put everything into MyFitnessPal.  This is what I came up with. Today was a long day of traveling with my husband to three different job interviews miles away. (No good news, yet.)

Not as bad as I thought.

It was a long day spent in the car. I made sure to take all my vitamins. I stayed hydrated. I had four bites of a hot fudge sundae with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream (heaven).

And I still managed to stay near or at/under my goals for the day.

Totals* 1,320 59 69 110 2,475 19
Your Daily Goal 3,000 38 267 113 2,300 59
Remaining 1,680 -21 198 3 -175 40

Calories Carbs Fat Protein Sodium Sugar

Someone on one of my DS forums said that if you are craving carbs (HI!), you need more protein. So I had a protein heavy "dinner" (I ate late):

  • 2 ounces sharp cheddar
  • 2 slices Danola Danish ham
  • 1 Dannon Light & Fit Greek yogurt, strawberry cheesecake flavor

That put me over the 100g mark for protein (at 107, as you can see.). I need to eat more protein. Also? My weight hasn't changed in a week, and I haven't pooped in two days. It's getting a little unbearable.

My husband just brought me a glazed/raised donut and I'm hearing and feeling gurgling and things shifting around down "there." I may try to go potty.

I ate bread yesterday--half of a Carl's Jr. Famous Star. It was delicious. I ate half on the bun, then pulled out the meat patty and ate just that for the protein.

I need my own kitchen. I don't feel like I can be in control living in someone else's house--someone who repeatedly tempts me with treats (that I constantly say NO to, but get asked over and over again); a BIL who eats leftovers from takeout (because I am not cooking in this kitchen--it's half remodeled, full of ants, a mess, and not mine--don't use that, use this; not there, here; why don't you ever...? Add a little... Etc.), R. and I could eat better if we had our own place.

Uh oh. Time to go potty. Hooray!


Twenty minutes later and I'm feeling much, much better. :-)

So here are my daily totals after the glazed donut:

Totals* 1,540 90 78 114 2,765 31
Your Daily Goal 3,000 38 267 113 2,300 59
Remaining 1,460 -52 189 -1 -465 28

Calories Carbs Fat Protein Sodium Sugar

And here I'd thought I'd had such a crappy eating day--it wasn't as bad as I thought, not at all.

The guilt and beating-myself-up-stuff was getting heavy.



That donut was A LOT of carbs and sugar, got things moving. It's only my second donut in six months. For a (semi) fat girl, that's pretty damn good.


*My "Daily Goals" are not accurate and I'm having trouble getting the numbers adjusted. Carbs should be <50; Fat 100 or less; Sugar as close to 0 as possible; Protein should be 100 to 125.

Monday, August 25, 2014


I'm living at my in-laws for the moment and this means that I live with my MIL, FIL, BIL, and my husband. So four other people besides me.

They all know I've had surgery.

They all know I can only eat certain foods.

They all know I bring home restaurant leftovers in boxes and put them in the fridge in the kitchen.

There is a small fridge upstairs, and I keep snacks in there like sharp cheddar, yogurt, mini-pepperoni slices, and Jell-O SF mousse for special occasions (a lot of carbs).

So why do people keep eating my food if my name is not on it? AAAARGH!

My BIL, aka "the asshole", will, evidently, eat anything not nailed down. Today he ate part of a sausage and cheese omelette I brought home after breakfast out with MIL, FIL, Hubs, AND a dill pickle spear. I had hidden it in the bottom vegetable bin. Who does that? Normally I'd write my name on it, but it was a clear plastic lid that couldn't be written on. I guess I have to invest in some sticky notes or a guard dog or something. Jeezus H.

Then I popped over to the mini-fridge in the TV room to grab a yogurt--gone. My husband ate it. He was with me when I bought it. He doesn't normally eat yogurt. It was a 4g CarbSmart (Kroger) strawberry pomegranate yogurt. WTF?

I need my own place. I swear to dog...I'm SO frustrated.

I had another yogurt available, a nonfat Yoplait Greek yogurt, strawberry raspberry, but it has 22g of carbs! Which I did not notice when I purchased it (and how...?). I entered all my foods into MyFitnessPall, and even with the added 22g of yogurt, I'm at 39g of carbs for the day, so I can have the yogurt.

This is day 3 of me being carb (bread/cookies/etc.--I can't remember if those are simple or complex carbs) free, and the cravings have, mercifully, gone away. That is key: To avoid carb cravings one must avoid carbs. Detoxing from carbs takes about three days, and that sounds about right in my case.

But dammit, people--if you don't recognize the item in the fridge as something you bought and/or brought home, keep your mitts off!!!

Don't make me hurt you. ;-P

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Mental Carb Cravings

I'm still fighting the head games regarding carbs and other sweets. I wish I'd never had that damn popcorn the other night. I'm constantly thinking about food--it's starting to piss me off.  For the most part I've managed to maintain protein, fat, low carbs (today:  59. Not fab, but still very good, and that includes two cookies. European butter cookies, there was a box on the counter, what can I say? I ate them. Sigh.), but I really want to shove a lot of food in my mouth. Why? I'm going to go with stress as my guess (I'm a poet! LOL). Staying with my mom and then my in-laws, mom / in-laws, mom / job, no income except what my husband gets for unemployment insurance, no place of our own, privacy, our stuff in storage, my mother, my MIL and FIL being sick...trying to maintain the LCHP/F diet? It's hard. I'm coping the best that I can, sometimes better than others.

My bellybutton wound that was cauterized on Wednesday already looks much, much better. It is bleeding quite a bit but that's good--no pus, no weird other fluids or bad smells. I can see it trying to heal. It hurt (burned), but I'm glad my doctor did it and hopefully it will be fully closed soon.

Food was my coping mechanism. I've tried to replace it with exercising, but I have to say my back is not in good shape. If I move the wrong way, it feels like my vertebrate in the area that hurts are sliding around like a square of Jell-O on a wet plate. It's made it easy to avoid exercise, but I think perhaps if I keep walking that it could help my back--if nothing else, it's good for the rest of my body. I enjoy it. Talk the talk and walk the walk, girl.


My perception of overweight people is changing as I've gotten smaller. I'm embarrassed to say this, but my first thought when I see is an obese person is pity, and a smug sort of self-importance that "I'm not like you, anymore." Embarrassing to admit, but there it is. Then I catch myself and remember how hard it was to be morbidly obese, how hard it was to diet, to get around, to walk, to bend, buy clothes, fit in a restaurant booth TAKE INSULIN TWICE A DAY. And then I feel badly for them and want to embrace them and tell them, "There's a way! You don't have to live like this anymore! I know how to get you some help." But I'm sure most people would not appreciate that. I know I wouldn't have. I'm often glad that no one can hear what I'm thinking as I'm frequently appalled at some of my own thoughts.

Today was a hard day. Lots of difficult things compounded by a visit to the ER as my MIL had a blood clot in her arm. Fortunately it was shallow and could be easily treated with Lovamox [sp] and an increase in her blood thinner. I was asked to sit with her as my husband had a job interview and my FIL, who has ALS--yes, of the ice bucket challenge--just didn't have the energy to sit with her. I didn't mind. Unfortunately, a large man came in in full arrest--he had no shirt on, his face was bright red, his body gray, he was unconscious and limp and had had a tracheotomy performed on him.

We sat and listened as the doctor told his daughter, a young lady of around 21, that they were only keeping him alive with drugs and that it was not sustainable--the best thing she could do was to just let him go. He talked to her for a while and it finally sunk in that he was going to die, and soon, and she broke down in hysterics. Once she calmed herself she started calling family but had trouble reaching them and convincing them of the seriousness of the situation and was unable to reach her mother at all. I'm sure by now, nearly 10 hours later, that the man has passed away and his family is beginning the difficult process of grieving their loss. I didn't know the man, but listening to this young lady sob her heart out over her cell phone was heartbreaking. She was very brave.

I'm going to try and sleep, now. At least I can't eat or think about eating while I'm asleep.


Thursday, August 21, 2014

Two Lightbulbs

I had a sudden awareness, an epiphany a few weeks ago about what I need to eat and supplement after this DS surgery:  In order to lose weight, I need to continue to eat appropriately every day. When I have too many carbs? Not only do I not lose, I gain. It's true. And frustrating. And motivating.

Honestly, although I am enjoying the weight loss and being smaller sizes (a normie), that was not my primary motivation for DS/WLS. My primary motivation occurred near the end of April/early May when I took my blood glucose numbers after a meal. It was 88. I'm done I thought after weeks of 140, 135, 125, 99, 100, and the like. Surgery day fasting and unmedicated it was 265. I decided I didn't need to test anymore. Diabetes had hit the road. Buh bye mutherfucker! And that was my primary concern.

And as my weight continued to drop as I recovered from surgery, I was like, "Oh yeah, there's this other side effect! And cool!"

So  it finally sunk it...if you want it to continue, you need to eat like a DS post-op. That means lots of protein, low carbs--simple and complex--fat, and no sugar or as low as I could get it (some SF cinnamon hard candies I bought for an occasional treat have 1 sugar / 1 carb. Worth it.).  So I have been hyperfocused on making sure to eat cleanly so those pounds would drop.

Until recently.

On Monday, I had a very bad day. No, that's not right. I had a very mellow day which rapidly went to shit and I decided to remove myself from the source of the upset. *ahem* This entailed me having some baby back ribs at a local diner I enjoy, then a movie, A MOST WANTED MAN. At the last minute my husband joined up with me to go and see it. I loved it. Quite an interesting, thoughtful film, and Philip Seymour Hoffman was fabulous. What a loss to us all.

Regardless. My husband stopped to eat, I told him I didn't want to miss the previews having already eaten, so I went in without him. When he showed up, he had a giant bucket of popcorn. I asked for a handful. Holy mother of G*d, it was kettle corn, my favorite.

And as embarrassed as I am to admit this, hopefully by outing myself it will help me remain accountable to myself and to any concerned readers who visit here. I kept going. Handful after handful after handful. When I put my hand in the bucket only to discover it was empty...? I realized I had fallen into an old, obese-person behavior:  Mindless eating. I was focused on the film, and as long as the popcorn kept coming, I didn't pay attention.


What was the fallout? For 24 hours, nothing. I had been constipated for two days so we had both oped the popcorn would move things along. It did, mostly in the form of two bouts of diarrhea in one hour, then two more visits to the bathroom later that day, hours apart.

Yesterday and today? Gas, stomach pain, bloating, itty bitty bowel movements that smelled like metallic rotten sewage. I told my husband I thought that's what it smelled like and he said, "Shittalic?" LOL  Yeah, I laughed.

But really, not funny and super foul. OMG. I was at the library today and I had to "go" again. Some girls came in and started giggling and whispering. It was bad, I know it was. But after I got over the embarrassment, I wanted to laugh, too, because it really was just so ridiculous. I can only imagine getting smacked in the face by that heavy odor.

And then yesterday I had a bagel with butter and cream cheese. Not bad, in itself, but definitely too many carbs. I'm paying for it now with gut issues, and I've sparked a sweet tooth. UGH!

So I have to get back on that horse ASAP (tomorrow. I'm done eating for today, and which was better.), and rein in these bad behaviors. I can't afford to have things go awry because, as happened in light bulb moment No. 2 after I saw my surgeon for a followup today....

I need to eat DS appropriate to STAY ALIVE.

Duh, Jules. Do you get it now?

I am eating these foods to sustain my body, to feed, nourish, and fuel it. I can enjoy my food or swallow it down because it's necessary, but I need to eat the DS way, or there will be complications down the road including death. I had this surgery to help limit my complications and/or early death from diabetes, dammit, and I need to do the right thing.


My surgeon says I'm right where he wanted me to be as far as weight loss, asked about my blood sugars and I told him "blah blah last tested in May, 88..." and he smiled. Then I told him about the re-opened belly wound, and he cauterized it with some shiny shit on a q-tip. I think it was silver nitrate. It wasn't to bad, but now my wound is bleeding and oozing crap that looks like a snail or a pile of snot. Eww. Uck. Gross.

Eat right, Jules; your body needs you to take care of it.

I think it's all right and only human to periodically, occasionally, once in a while, enjoy something yummy and perhaps off menu...but it needs to be something I can walk away from when I'm done, and popcorn, evidently, I can't do that. Plus the after-effects while not debilitating have certainly not been pleasant. So no popcorn. For a while. Nowhere on my dance card for the near future.

Just give me my damn skinny SF mocha with half and half and whipped cream on top once a day and nobody gets hurt.

Here's a pic of me taken yesterday at the Seal Beach pier. The hubs and I have talken to walking that fair city's streets and pier fairly regularly, something I had difficulty--and didn't enjoy doing--prior to surgery / WL.

I'm wearing a fabulous Genie bra which, although extremely comfortable, does not give as great a support as I was hoping for. *ahem* Time to throw it in the wash and tighten it up again.


Sunday, August 17, 2014


It's starting again.

The flirting.

The door holding.

The long gazing looks.

The off the cuff remarks.

Trying to make me laugh.

Asking if I need help.

I somehow always attracted the attention of boys and men, but I didn't realize it had stopped over the last ten years or so, you know, when I was at my heaviest. Huh.

The first time it happened I thought it was cute. Second and then third and fourth time, the cashier at the gas station for fuck's sake! Not cute anymore, annoying. Embarrassing. Time consuming.


Now I remember.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

I want something...

But I don't know what it is. I think my brain is still searching around for something to entertain it. I've met all my nutrition goals (and still have 30 carbs left!), I'm full, and with my evening vitamins shortly, I'll have had a very good day nutritionally.

I did not, however, get my skinny iced mocha with whipped cream today.

I think that's what I'm missing.

I have had one every day for probably the last two months, either from Starbucks or made at home. I want my iced coffee. :-(

If it weren't so late, I'd go make myself one.

I'm not suffering. Ridiculous.

Maybe I need to find something else to do in the last hour or so before I go to sleep. I'm going to go look for something to read.

 [i want ice cream]

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Food Obsessed Today

I drove up to a small town near Yosemite yesterday and back today (ugh, my ass...) my husband had a job interview there, and a quick but important piece of personal business for both of us. I'm pooped. I had food on my mind, and in my mouth, all Damn day... ugh. I'm guessing by the three zits on my chin--and WTF?--that I'm hormonal. Groan... I didn't go off the ranch--but I wanted to, oh yeah-- but I ate a lot. Here's a list:

a Scrambled eggg with chorizo and cheese-- 5 bites
1/2 of a "hearty breakfast sausage" w/ Cholula
1 bite pancakes w/ butter and SF syrup
1 piece buttered wheat toast
Hot coffee w/ cream & stevia(2)
To Go box

MCDONALD'S (to use WiFi)
iced tea w/ Stevia and one refill

2 oz cheddar cheese
Small bag of sea salt and black pepper cashews

Chicken and beef kabobs with garlic sauce--all the beef, 1/2 serving of hummus, one piece of chicken, five bites of basmati rice
Half of a full-sized pita
Iced tea

Huh. I just checked with my DH, and that's what I ate. Feels like a lot more. And thought about food even more. I'm thinking about food now.

Crazymaking. Ugh.

Monday, August 4, 2014

I'm Baaaack....

Well, the power cord for my new laptop went missing about two weeks ago. I spent most of that time looking for it or hoping it would show up. I'm convinced my mother put it somewhere (this has happened before with other things. She also doesn't remember moving my stuff....).

It took me three tries and two different stores, to get the right size for my laptop--I had to pay for the brand-name, high-priced cord as the generic universal cords were all too big--of course. But it's charged and working. And so am I, LOL, at blogging.

Well, I haven't weighed myself since Tuesday as I'm at my in-laws and my scale is over at my mother's place, but the white capri pants that I bought before we went to Vegas, and that fit!! are now getting big. Sweet. It's hard to eat correctly when I move around as much as I do, but one does what one can. I try to avoid as many carbs as I can, certainly.

Shortly before the power cord went missing, I had signed up for an account with My Fitness Pal and gotten two days of eating up, and then, well, no power! So I went back to the handwritten notebook in my purse, but the last few days I haven't written anything down. I've been busy. Also? Today, for the first time!, I was able to fasten a bracelet that I purchased back in February. It looks GREAT!! Let me get a picture of it:

Isn't it cute? It reminds me of the Newgrange Megalith, which, although predates the Celts by 2500 years, does make me think of the Celts and Ireland. The green malachite stone makes it feel even more Irish to me (and yes, I am Irish...and Scottish.). I never thought about my wrist getting thinner, but evidently it has. I always wore an 8" bracelet, I'm going to guess I'm between a 7" and 7.5" wrist now, which are the most common sizes. The bracelet retailed at Macy's for $35-, Lucky Brand, my favorite jewelry brand, and I got it on eBay for $8-. Score! And it took over four months, but now it fits. *grin*

I'm still having a daily iced coffee, although now if I get one at Starbucks I ask them to make it with HWC (heavy whipping cream) and SF mocha, aka chocolate. Delish! I make them at home with half-and-half, at least until it runs out then I'll switch over to HWC (for the protein and the fat), and maybe get a bottle of SF Torani chocolate syrup in the coming days.

Here is a very nice picture of me taken in Vegas by me...LOL...if the camera weren't in the way I would use it for a new profile pic, or a secondary pic because the first one was taken on New Year's Eve and some 66 lbs ago. :D

(I lost four pounds in the two days up to pre-surgery on the doctor-requied liquid diet. One day of creamy liquids, a second day of clear liquids.). So if I go from surgery day, it's four pounds less. If I go with my last pre-surgery appointment with my surgeon, it's four pounds more.

Unfortunately, I pulled a muscle in my back as we were moving and it's gotten much, much worse. It may be the bed(s) I am sleeping on--not very supportive. It can hurt quite a bit if I move the wrong way. I shouldn't have been crowing about how walking was now painless. Ugh. Well, my spine feels okay, but the muscles just above my hip all the way to the center of my back can be very painful. BOO!

Well, that's all I've got now. If I had something to say in the last two weeks I've been offline, I can't remember what they were. LOL