LilySlim - Weight loss

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Looooong Night


I forgot to mention that I had a Big Mac yesterday. I KNOW!! I quit eating at Mickey D's in 2002 after I read Eric Schlosser's Fast Food Nation. I don't know what my motivation was (soothe stressful feelings?), but I went through the drive-thru down the street from therapy after my appointment, then drove it over to Kohl's where I needed to exchange a pair of size 18 Gloria Vanderbilt olive drab jeans for a size 16. I ate it in the car in the parking lot. With ketchup. It was fabulous. I think what I craved the most was the thousand island dressing and the pickles. Also, I was hungry because I hadn't eaten any protein.

I had more cookies when I got home--the last of them--and waited for hunger to hit, but it never did. I felt SO full. Probably because I was. I had picked up some Chinese food at Panda on the way home, and finally about 11 pm I put a little bit on a plate, nuked it, and ate it. I waited two more hours--when I'm usually hungry again--and although not hungry, felt I needed the nutrition, I had a bowl of SF chocolate pudding with whipped cream on top.

I was SO FULL afterwards that my stomach in my hernia area, above the bellybutton, was SO bloated, that my underwear and drawstring pajamas were tight. And the gurgling and the gas--SO painful. Those carbs were not going anywhere--they were trapped there.

I couldn't sleep. I was in too much agony. I kept putting my cold hands on my belly to make it feel better. But SO much gas--so loud, stinky, and as I said, hot. And what is up with that? I was grateful my husband had gone down to his folks for the weekend. I'd never hear the end of that.

I got up and pooped about 5:30 am, this after finally getting to sleep sometime after 3:30 am. Then my landlady called and she and her husand swapped out the stove because the oven didn't work and cool! So the first thing I made was bacon. Amen and hallelujah, I had a giant bowel movement shortly after eating it.

I still have one muffin left--I was going to eat it. Now I'm not so sure. It would be like swallowing something that would intentionally cause me pain. Ugh.

Food addiction / emotional eating / obesity is such a hard disease to overcome. Here I am, two weeks away from my one year surgery anniversary, and I got out of control. It scared me. A lot.

So I need to pick up the pieces and move forward, and get back to making my body as healthy as it can be. And I can totally do without all the pain.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Well Shit

I got on the scale today. I had put it out in the van so I wouldn't be hopping on it every day in an obsessive quest to reach a certain number.

I'm up, with clothes on and a full "belly", 13 pounds.

In a week.


My hormones are whack. My mood swings are often and dramatic. I have been trying for a week to find a female gynecologist who takes my insurance (HMO--I think that stands for Help 0urselves to your MOney.). Every experience I've had with a male GYN has SUCKED. I won't go to one and you can't make me. Nyah.

But I've got some serious mood swings. And cravings. And this week? I gave in. To everything. Coffee cake. Cookies. Blueberry muffins (with butter). And I feel like shit.

My hernia is HUGE and uncomfortable, I've got gas like you wouldn't believe (LOUD, smelly, and HOT WTF?). I had to get up twice in the middle of the night to crap, and I have slept through fire engines and thunderstorms. Earthquakes, too (small ones). I kept dreaming I was crapping the bed. Not a lot is coming out.

I've got one muffin left. I paid for it, I'm going to eat it. Then? Back on program. Protein, protein, protein, fat, fat, liquid.

My husband is down at his folks for the weekend (I just said "I'm not going."), so I can do some stuff around the house, do some leisure reading, spend time with the cats, and possibly watch some snow fall. *cool* I also plan to eat every two hours--eggs, cheese, bacon, homemade beef chili, chicken, cheese chips, sour cream, nuts, yogurt, SF pudding. That's it. It will take three days to detox from the carbs. I am not someone who can have "just one". One turns into the whole box. That's how I got over 350 pounds. I am NOT going back.

I'm angry at myself but trying to let it go because hey, I'm human, and sometimes the best we can do is crap. But it's still our best. So be forgiving of myself while also acknowledging that I can do better.


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Bingeing With a DS

So...when I say I'm binge-eating? I mean like...a piece of coffeecake. A day. Yeah. I don't have room for more (Imagine that!). And I'm hungry a lot, so I am still eating a lot of protein. But I still need to get off the carb truck.

Soon. I will. Soon.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Binge Eating

I'm binge eating.

I know it's bad.

I know it's wrong.

Eventually I'll get a grip on it.

But I'm stressed. Frustrated. Angry. Tired. Overwhelmed. And the desire to soothe with food was greater than my desire to squeeze into a pair of 16 Lee jeans.

I'm not going to detail it here, but chocolate has been involved. A lot of chocolate. At least I got the good stuff (Godiva).

I have therapy on Friday and I can really use it.

I could have gone tomorrow at noon, but I'm not ready to quit binge eating yet. Yes, I understand the reasoning and pathology and sickness of those thoughts.

I'm doing the best I can.

I'm so unhappy.

Saturday, February 21, 2015


I don’t want to do this anymore.
Have any other WLS patients felt this way?
I’m sick of counting and watching every single fucking morsel that goes into my mouth. I’m just over it.
In just over two weeks I’ll be at my one year surgery anniversary. I’ve lost over 100 lbs. My diabetes is in remission. My blood pressure is actually too low and accounts for the dizzy spells, fainting, and lightheadedness. I can walk two miles without losing my breath or breaking a sweat (time to walk farther?). I can stand for long periods of times. My body feels great (except for the damn hernia—that is hovering over to pain from just uncomfortable). It was a great thing to do and I don’t regret it. But I am feeling deprived as I did so many times when I tried a new diet.
I’m stressed and I can’t use food to soothe myself, calm my nerves.
I also can’t drink. Not for another year.
No soda, either, for another year.
I quit smoking nine years ago, although I have been tempted.
Sex? Not going there.
So today I was uber-pissy, moody, angry—in short, I had a snit. So I took it out on the yard. I’d been meaning to prune the giant rosebushes in the front yard, and which did not appear to have been pruned in some time. January is the time for rose pruning, but I missed it. So today I had at it. I pruned the hell out of those four mutherfuckers. I didn’t have any gloves, and my hands and arms were badly scratched. I didn’t care. It was almost a form of self harm.
Then I attacked an oleander growing over the driveway, put more birdseed in the feeder, fertilized and watered the roses, got the big hedgeclippers and trimmed pine tree that was growing into the driveway; trimmed a fruit tree of some kind that was hitting the roof of the van as we pull into the driveway—and it was so pretty with its lovely pink flowers (early!! It’s too warm for February!) into a vase and put it on the dining room table.
Then I watered the planter around the mulberry tree, weeded it, fertilized, and then scattered some California wildflower seeds. We’ll see how that goes.
By that time, I was tired and achy and I sat down with a glass of SF pineapple Crystal Light. (I purchased it over a year ago, it’s yummy and I hate to waste it although I really hate aspartame. But it hit the spot.)
The cats came over to see what I was doing and yak with me, I watched a train speed by, I listened to the wind and the quiet that is rural living in the high desert. I felt less pissy and angry—more….frustrated, perhaps, unsure, but not angry.
A woman looked at my stomach tonight, then my face, and gave me a big, “aww, how sweet” smile. I realized that she thought I was pregnant, particularly as I caught a glimpse of myself in the glass door of the restaurant we had dined at. Awesome.
The bastard hurts, annoys, and looks bad. Outstanding.
I guess I should be grateful she thought I was young enough to even BE pregnant. LOL

I had SF chocolate pudding with whipped cream for breakfast. After the butter. Nothing sounded good. The last thing I wanted was something to eat.
My husband took me to dinner at an inexpensive burger chain known for the high quality of their meat. I was going to have a double cheeseburger and take the bun off, perhaps a few fries.
I said “fuck it” and had chicken fingers with honey mustard dipping sauce, and parmesean fries with ranch dressing. I ate about half the fries.
That’s what I ate today.
And I’m gassy, bloated, and constipated. Again.
So while at the bookstore, I got a cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin. OMG, it was delicious. Better than sex. I ate half then, half at home.
I felt defiant, rebellious, and my stress level dropped. Of course it did.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
But what are the options?
I had major surgery, $56,000 worth pre-per-diem payment schedule for my PPO, five scars, my guts rearranged, part of my stomach removed and thrown away like garbage, so I could be healthy, and now I am, and I’m very pissed off that I can’t shove food in when I’m stressed.
I’m ridiculous. Being a human being sometimes is ridiculous.
Emotions are overrated.
I’m thinking of getting a Mary-juana card so I can relax sometimes. Of course, it will give me the munchies. I better stock up / make cheese chips if I do.
I’m a little fucked in the head right now—I’m not at my best.
I’m in bed, but I’m thinking of having something to eat. Oooh, look at the time! It’s after midnight. Where did the time go. I need to quit screwing around and go to bed. Maybe I’ll have a couple of bites of cottage cheese before I brush my teeth.


Friday, February 20, 2015

Having a Shit Day

Really really shitty.

Yesterday was going fine until *bam*, blindsided by a problem. (This is my WLS blog, I don't detail most aspects of my personal life here. It's my blog, deal.)

But I didn't have a bowel movement yesterday. I don't call that tiny amount that came up after I got out of bed a bowel movement. And my tummy / hernia (TH) was aching all day. I knew I needed to poop, but I couldn't.

I had been strictly eating protein since Tuesday so things should not have been going wrong like this.

By last night, my TH was so bloated, so painful, I was putting my cold hands on it to ease the pain. Then I tried a remedy that has always worked in the past, usually within an hour:  An apple, Pink Lady, with peanut butter.


More bloat, more pain.

A couple hours passed. Still nothing. By now it's after midnight and I'm so uncomfortable--not quite into pain, maybe a little bit--that I got up and ate some Jalapeno Popper dip that I'd made a few days ago. I figured the cream cheese might help grease things up, as it were. Ahem.


So I made coffee. With HWC, hoping that might also give me some lube.


I went back to bed. And cradled a ,by now, very pregnant-looking, bloated, and now painful belly with my cold hands. It was around 3:30 AM. My husband was awake--he'd had a bad day, too, and kept waking up.

I don't know how, but I finally fell asleep. I prayed for a giant crap in the morning.

I got up at 9 am, pooped a bit, back to bed.

At noon, I got up again, pooped a bit again.

I AM STILL BLOATED, GASSY, AND CRAMPY, and my belly is huge. And the scale is up nearly 4 pounds!!!!!!!!


I want to punch something.
I want to throw something.
I want to get in the car and drive to another state, check into a motel, and watch bad TV with a box of donuts (maybe that will make me crap).
I want to go back to bed and sleep.
I want to alter my consciousness, but I'm not allowed alcohol. I could use a shot, several, in fact.
I want my therapist. I just saw him yesterday. He's dealing with a death in his family so he's having a back week, too.
I am overwhelmed by shittiness in my life, and a lack of shitting by my body.

I just ate a tablespoon of Kerry Gold butter....on a knife. (It's SO good.)

I'm praying for poop.

So what am I doing? Right now I'm just crying, drinking coffee (with HWC), and being pissed.

Right now, I am a crazy person.


Update:  2/20/15 2:21 PM

At last!!  I finally went poo. OMG, it was epic. I sat there so long my right leg went to sleep. After, I got on the scale...down two pounds. Uh, yeah. And I know I'll be going again shortly. The butter worked. :D Halle-fucking-lujah.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

White Lasagna

I had a craving for Alfredo sauce recently, and I had a jar of Classico asiago parmesean sauce in the pantry…so tonight I made what I’m calling a “white lasagna.”  I did not use noodles. Instead, I let the layers of meat, cheese, and fresh spinach be the separators. It ended up sort of a mélange and more of a casserole, but it was delish. Even my DH liked it.

I grilled 4 (smallish) chicken breasts with a little garlic salt and black pepper. Once cool, I shredded them with a fork.

I put a layer of shredded chicken into a 11x7 glass pan. I then put a layer of fresh spinach leaves, then mozzarella, shredded parmesean, and some Trader Joe’s gruyere / Swiss mix on top of that. I then poured some of the Alfredo sauce over that, and started over again with chicken, spinach, cheese, sauce, and a smattering of shredded parm.

It was SO good. High protein and fat, it was good every way you looked at it including taste.
The breasts I made were a little small, so I think next time I’ll cook more chicken for sure. This will make six meals for us. Dinner tomorrow? It’s ready. :D

Post-Valentine's Day

I did not make it through Valentine’s Day unscathed. My MIL bought me a box of Godiva (my favorite) truffles in crème brulee, strawberry cheesecake, and molten chocolate lava. I meant to eat one of each….you know where I’m going, right? Yeah. Ate them all. Granted, over the course of two hours, but still, I ate a dozen truffles.

I had the squirts all day Monday (we bought the chocolates Sunday night at Kohl’s. Half price!! *rolleyes*)

Came home Monday night, and Tuesday I found a small box of See’s candies on the dining room table. I had to go to my mom’s as she had a medical issue, so I swiped it, and ate them in the car. There were six pieces. My husband’s boss gave all the teachers one. He hasn’t even noticed it’s gone—he’s not a chocolate lover. I was like a starving man who'd just crawled through the desert craving water--I was shoving those chocolates in like I was starving or someone was going to take them away. (Seriously? I did eat them slowly and enjoy them, even as I knew I shouldn't.)

More diarrhea all day yesterday. FUN!

So what have I learned here? 

1.       I am still easily triggered.
2.       I have no such thing as “just one or two”.
3.       Chocolate is yummy (I was never a huge chocolate fan before, weird).

How’s my weight?

This morning I was 200.00 lbs. Right? That stung a little. One tenth of a percentage and I’d be in the 100s. But at least I didn’t gain.

So today was a clean slate, starting fresh, wait, actually, yesterday was also very clean. I did have more bowel fallout today, but fortunately I was home all day by myself. *ahem*

I ate very high protein today, and I made a dessert I got of Facebook. Cream cheese, SF Jell-O (I picked raspberry), and HWC. Beat HWC until soft peaks form. I beat the hell out of my Trader Joe’s “shelf stable” HWC that comes in the little boxes—great for traveling—not great for beating. I think I beat it for 20 minutes and it never got past a yogurt-ish consistency. Whatever.

I beat the cream cheese with 5 packs of Stevia; melted the Jell-O in one cup of boiling water and let cool before adding to cream cheese.

Then I added the thick, but not whipped, HWC to the cream cheese/Jell-O mixture.

It’s been in the fridge about an hour and it’s thickening up pretty well. Tastes good, too. My husband went into to town so I told him, “Don’t come home without whipped cream.” 

My husband and I also went on a walk before dinner, our first one since moving here. I don’t know how far it was, but it was probably 30-40 minutes. My ankle started hurting, so I’m going to need to wrap it for any future walks. Met a puppy and a kitty at one neighbor’s house. Very friendly.
I hope tomorrow I’ll drop below 200. Sweet Jeebus. I’m trying. One more day of detox to clear the carb cravings. *groan*

Oh—Kohl’s was having a big sale over the weekend and there was even a 15% off anything in the store coupon, so I went with my MIL and got three pairs of pants. I’m an 18. I haven’t worn that since I was 18. J I tried on some size 16 jeans—they fit, but super tightly. I looked like a sausage. I’m probably being more critical than I deserve. I wish I had bought them, they will fit eventually and the price was awesome.

I bought one pair of Gloria Vanderbilt dark blue jeans for $4.19. I am not kidding. And that’s before the 15% off. LOL

I didn’t even try them on. I got them home, tried them on, and turns out they’re “short.” Which I am decidedly not. So I rolled up the cuffs and wore them with sandals as it was hot in OC yesterday (like 80 F). They looked great. Such a deal!

I got a tan pair of Dana Buchman slacks, and a white pair of Dana Buchman pull-on slacks in white. All were great deals before the coupon discount. I’m happy. Now I have more than two pairs of too big pants.  Woo hoo! Livin' large...ish. :P



Update on the "Jell-O Cheesecake  Not-fluff-or-pudding."

It tastes fine, but without the actual whipped cream folded has the texture of cement. Yeah. It's heavy. I'd only try this again with actual whipped cream. Otherwise? Back to the SF Jell-O pudding. That is simple and delicious.

Here's a shot of it:

I emailed the photo to myself--3 times--and it still hasn't shown up in my email. I need to log off now as I'm burning data tethered to my phone to get online. I'll try again tomorrow.

Update, 2/19/15, 10:45 am:

Here's the picture of the raspberry cement: