LilySlim - Weight loss

Wednesday, January 28, 2015


I haven't broken 200 lbs, yet. In fact, I've gained 10 lbs despite buckling down. Period time. Water weight? I don't know, but I'm pissed and frustrated. It's hard to get online because we don't have Internet at home. We're in the boonies and on the waiting list to see if we can even get it--30 more days. Yes, we checked before we moved in, our landlady, next door (about 300 yds) has Verizon Fios. When we called, they said they no longer offer it in our area. ??? Despite our landlady having it now and for years. So until we get this sorted out....trips to Starbucks, etc.


I'm going home and having my SF chocolate pudding with whipped cream, made with milk, half and half, and HWC. I need some kind of treat in my life. Fuck.

Not angry...frustrated.

Friday, January 23, 2015

My New Favorite Thing

Cheese crisps.

I'd heard of them, seen them around on the Internet, but they just looked...eww. Weird. Crispy melted cheese? How could that be a thing? How could that taste good?

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit...they are damn good. I mean...I like them better than Cheetoh's, and which I used to love A LOT. Like in a whole-bag-at-a-time lot. *ahem*

So I made them on a parchment,-covered plate in the microwave. They come right off the parchment and you can reuse the one piece over and over. I let them cool on a paper-towel covered plate ( a little oil comes off the cheese) before breaking them up. The directions I found said 30-40 seconds but, uh, no. Just melty and gloppy, not crisp. Maybe the microwave that came with our rental is old, but it was more like 2 minutes if I wanted crispy, not blobby. I made a whole Ziploc storage box full of them, then put some in a Ziploc bag into my purse when I went to see the latest Hobbit film (boring!). The chips were awesome and I got that crunchy crunch crunch that you get from chips or popcorn.

Tonight I made some cheddar / monterey jack shreds in an omelette pan. OMG. So delicious. What was I thinking??

I'm going down to the OC this weekend to see my mum, so I'm going to make a whole bunch of them tomorrow to take to her place so I have something to snack on while we watch TV. We do a lot of TV watching at her place, which is cool, because we still have no TV at home. Ahem.

But cheese crisps. Really. Delicious, fun to eat, ZERO carbs.

Don't wait; make these now!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Different Path

Went to therapy today. Man, it's like a booster shot of sunshine, I swear. I look forward to it and I always feel better after.

I asked him what the psychological profession had to say about whether overeating was a food addiction or emotional eating, and he said there's no definitive diagnosis one way or the other. But...he felt that if you had behaviors in regard to something that you cannot control, whether that's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, etc., then it has all the hallmarks of an addiction in his opinion. I tend to agree.

So this morning as I was earing my breakfast--two eggs, cheese on top, 1/4 smoke sausage, grilled and re-warmed in the nuker, coffee w/HWC--I thought I should write down what I'm feeling when I eat, what I eat, and how hungry I am. Sometimes I eat when I'm not hungry because I know I need to protein/fat for fuel. I forget to eat, a lot. More than I ever would've thought possible pre-surg.

I have a notebook at home already I can use for this. I figure I'm going to have a hunger level between one and ten; the date; what I'm eating; what I'm thinking while I eat; and if I binge eat. I need to figure out what my triggers are (aside from visual. I am very easily triggered visually.). The therapist thought this was a fine idea.

I'm going to start it as soon as I get home.

I went to therapy at noon--actually I was a little late because I just couldn't get going today, and he let me stay over because he had a haircut scheduled after me. What a nice man. He definitely got into the right profession. I'm usually early, to anything, I just hate being late, so I called him from the road and he was totally fine with it. *exhale*

So I've been at Starbucks about 90 minutes, having coffee and watching episode 1 of season 5 of Downton Abbey. It stuttered a lot, so it took over an hour to watch. I would watch episode 2, but I'm hungry. I still need to go to Target for cleaning supplies and then home where I plan to have a meal because I'm hungry!!  And then the journal.

Side note:  I'm wearing some size 18 pants I bought for $4.95 from Ross last October and which didn't fit two weeks ago. So my weight has fluctuated, but my actual body size is smaller. Huh. I'll be damned. Good thing--all my pants (both other pairs) are in the laundry. That's on the agenda tomorrow.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Slight Navigational Adjustment

OK, more than slight. But I need to make some changes. But let me start at the beginning:

Here are a list of my goals in having the DS WLS:

1.       Put diabetes into remission (hopefully for a long, long time) – GOAL MET

2.       Be more active – GOAL MET

Uh, yeah. Everything apart from that is just gravy, so to speak. 

I’ve been obsessing with getting below 200 for the last month or so (and failing. My fault, I own it, but I didn’t realize how badly carbs would be available and affect me over the holidays and beyond. I’ve discussed that here already). I’ve read blog, articles, books, and I’m just….over it.
I don’t want to obsess any more.  I need to step away from the OCD and just give it a rest for a while. I need to let it go and just…be.

I put my scale in the car. After we moved into our new place last month, it’s been in the bathroom and I’ve been getting on it every morning. No more. Once a week. And then I have to get dressed, get my keys, and go get it. I can weigh in the driveway, it’s flat enough for it to work (electronic scale).
No more obsessing with LCHF recipes, or IF (maybe later, not now, and that’s “Intermittent Fasting”. You can Google.), no more obsessing with what I eat every single second of every day. Oy! I’m not saying I’m going to quit eating DS appropriate—protein, fat, hydration, carbs under 50—no, that won’t change, but I am not going to obsess over it.

I’m a human being, I’m imperfect, as I reminded my husband tonight. I make mistakes. But as an intelligent, thinking being, I also have the ability to analyze, question, and move on from my mistakes, even when or if I make the same ones over and over.

I’m going to continue my HWC with my coffee when I get up; then eggs with cheese and some kind of meat, I like polish sausage with eggs. Then tuna salad, probably, or lunchmeat with cheese, nuts or cheese crisps with Greek yogurt chipotle dip (I just bought it yesterday and haven’t tried it yet. It may suck), and lots of iced tea, homemade. Dinner will be the protein part of whatever I make for the spousal unit and I, usually chicken or fish because that's all he'll eat.

And for the record, I hate plain water. I always have. I do like Arrowhead bottled water, and our water in Reno was pretty good, but for the most part, I do not like water. So I have iced tea. A lot of iced tea (brewed with bags). Since it was cold, I’ve been having a lot of hot tea also, and I’ve got about 20 flavors in the cupboard. They keep well.

So. What I’m saying is…I’m going to quit letting this become part of my thinking every minute of every day. It’s not sane or healthy. And I’ll be honest: If I don’t lose another pound I’m perfectly fine where I am. I really am. I wear an L-XL on top, depending on cut and brand; and an XL or XXL on the bottom also depending. I’m totally fine with that. This journey, for me, was never about appearances, it was about health. And I’ve achieved that and am now focusing on upping my activity level. I’d like to add weight-lifting to my routine because I feel weak, but that requires access to a gym and funds just aren’t there….right now. But they will be. So I walk. 

For me, losing weight has been a very pleasing side effect of getting healthy. Granted, I’m not fond of the wrinkles, dark circles under my eyes, and the uber-thin hair, but I’m learning to live with it. Honestly, I probably look better than I think I do. I just need to accept it. Working on that (therapy tomorrow! Yay!).

So I’m just going to exhale, be in the moment, and just go about my ordinary, normal life. Limit my time on message boards (which while helpful, can be an overabundance of opinions and information, and I am obsessing), and try to just be a regular, normal-sized person for a while without overthinking it.

And get over the 50 gazillion Danish butter cookies in the tin I scarfed this afternoon. I was going to have two, it turned into 22. Now I have gas, bloating, and diarrhea. Repeat. UGH.

I’ve got to find my new normal….for ME. 



I got this.

One day, one hour, one minute, one moment at a time.

And this photo for motivation. Me + 150 lbs at Crater Lake in OR, July 2009 (150 lbs! A whole person!).


Thursday, January 15, 2015

Fighting and Failing

I can do well for about 3 or 4 days of clean eating, then it gets to be too much, and then I eat too many carbs or too much protein (instead of carbs).

I've been really depressed since about Saturday. Since this seems to be a pattern--the week or so before my period--I get depressed and crave carbs, last night found me scarfing down a whole bag of Sugar Free Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I got them at the dollar store a week ago and forgot about them. A serving is 3. By the end of the night, I'd eaten all of them, which I believe was 12. So since it had sugar alcohols in it, I had loud gas all night and diarrhea all day. Good times.

But I didn't stop there. I wanted chocolate and I wanted it now. I scoured the cupboards and found a bag of Nestle's semi-sweet chocolate chips--white from age--and a bag of butterscotch chips. I was undeterred by their aging state: I microwaved them and ate them with a spoon out of a cereal bowl.

After that, I wanted protein, and fought my cat off for a few slices of ham lunch meat and sharp cheddar cheese (my favorite cheese). I ate about half of it before I got full, not including the nibbles I gave the cat.

Today, more of the same. I want carbs. I want carbs. I want carbs. I want carbs. I want carbs. I want carbs.

I want to lie in bed and be alone and read and sleep. Repeat.

For breakfast I had some leftover chili (just ground beef, chili powder, cumin, garlic, s&p, and tomato sauce) over some leftover corn chips from Rubio's a few days ago (a handful), with lots of cheese and some sour cream. I ate the whole thing even though I was full. It was four hours ago, and I'm still full. But I want carbs, even tho there's no room.

I've been reading books, blogs, and articles about keto diets, LCHF, overcoming food addiction, emotional eating, how to soothe yourself without food, but I still want CARBS. It's not rational. It's monstrous.

I need more help than I can give to myself. I'm pretty sure my therapist, who I love, and who does work with addictions, is not familiar with food addictions. I'm basing that on his excess weight (tummy area like most men), and the big bag of candy he keeps on a table next to one of the sofas. Sigh.

Our insurance is an HMO now, so I don't know how hard it's going to be to get some help from a registered dietitian--that's who I believe I need to see. Because I feel like I'm in the deep end of the pool and I'm going to drown any moment. I also need to see a GYN. I'm tired of having periods (at 52), and the hormone fluctuations not to mention the facial acne. Sigh.

I feel crazy. I just want to crawl into bed in my jammies. Not the ones I wore last night because I sharted in my sleep.


Sunday, January 11, 2015

Fighting the Carb Monster

I'm really struggling this weekend--I really want carbs, I want to overeat, I want to comfort myself with food--like I did in the past with great success NOT--and I'm very sad and depressed. I did binge eat yesterday, but it was all proteins and I'm down two pounds. I still haven't broken 200. I'm very anxious and depressed. In-between trips to the fridge yesterday I stayed in bed all day.

I could use some support....thank you.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Carb Holiday

I know, so soon after the holidays when I ate a billion dozen cookies. *cough* But my husband was planning on going out of town, so I was free to eat what I wanted with its attendant bathroom issues later.

He didn't go, but I was not to be deprived of my eating holiday.

I haven't gone as crazy as I expected. A normal breakfast (2 scrambled eggs with cheese, 1/4 beef polska kielbasa, coffee with HWC, stevia, and cinnamon [as usual]), a piece of Schnuttlebucks gingerbread loaf that was in the freezer, and a "Frisco Burger" from Steak 'N Shake with about a handful of Parmesan herb fries with ranch. I took half of the burger to go. I was full.

That's it. Woo hoo! I'm a binge-eating maniac!


Maybe not.

I have one more thing at home (I'm out at Tarjay, sucking up their free WiFi--still working on that issue for at home *ahem*), and I may not eat it. If I don't, I'm throwing it away so it will stop tormenting me (Pillsbury "Cinnabon" rolls in the can). We'll see how I feel when we get home.

I've crapped a lot, but about 1/2 of them were before I had the gingerbread, so I can't really point my finger at that. Hey, it's a reality:  Eating carbs causes me (a post-op DS patient) bloating, gas, and the shits. That's life. I had nowhere to go today, got a lot of stuff unpacked, sorted, and packed back up (xmas stuff), and we're ready to rent a storage unit. Hooray. So I wasn't that indisposed.

My life has changed SO much since March 14, 2014. At least, the part of my life that involves my body and my health--I wish I could've gone it sooner, so grateful it got done at all. Amen.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

The Hernia From My POV

Looking down at my tummy. It's big. I mean...really big. As in pregnant big. It also is becoming increasingly uncomfortable. My surgeon said six months, from November, to have it repaired. I hope I make it to then. It's really bothering and my clothes fit funny, i.e., loose in the butt and thighs, tight at the waist.

Here's a picture of my shadow. I'm still an XL or L on top, and an 18 would fit me on the bottom except for belly fat and the hernia. I'm just a big person. I'll never, ever be a size 4. Hell, or even a size 10 or 12. I'm within 25 - 50 lbs of goal weight. I'd be happy at a 14/16.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Some Notes on Food Addiction

I was in a health food store tonight picking up some more calcium tablets--I've nearly finished the first bottle I purchased and I like them quite a bit--so I bought 120 tablets, or 60 days worth, for cheaper than two bottles of 60. So win/win.

While checking out--and we are pretty sure both the cashier and the customer in front of us were stoned out of their minds, we finally switched to another line LOL--I noticed they had organic, high cacao percentage, assorted chocolate bars right by the register. And since we were standing there doing nothing *ahem* I started daydreaming about getting one. They had chocolate cherry almond, chocolate carmel with sea salt, chocolate with chilies (my favorite), dark chocolate, etc., and as I'm standing there I'm thinking about:

1. How full I am. I just ate a chicken breast and part of a wing with lemon butter sumac sauce.
2. One chocolate bar would lead to many chocolate bars and then baked goods, slippery slope, etc.

So I didn't need any chocolate, and I couldn't fit any chocolate into my already full stomach. But I fucking wanted it, yes I did.

So I stopped and reminded myself how easily my eating had gotten out of control on Christmas Day, and how sick I had been for a few days after, and how I hated how I felt both physically, emotionally, and mentally, and how it just wasn't worth it, and if I really wanted chocolate I could have a KIND bar later (mostly nuts and very yummy).

I have to decide--dozens of times a day--what goes in and what stays out.

It's hard. No lie. I mean, clearly, duh. But I have to have these conversations with myself about food. I need to be present, be in the moment. Mindless eating and "just one" mentality is a quick and easy way to revert to binge eating, which can lead to weight gain, which can lead to obesity, which can lead to diabetes, which can lead to early death.

It's just better, and simpler, not to take that first step. I've had to learn this lesson repeatedly. Evidently I'm pretty thick-skulled. But I'm getting there. I'm sure I'll learn this lesson again some more in the future. But today? Today I made good choices, healthy choices. I'm proud of myself. I hope to repeat again tomorrow. No reason I can't.

Food addiction sucks.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Well, That Was Weird

This afternoon my husband and I were driving to a doctor's appointment when suddenly my heart started pounding in my chest and I felt like what was a wave, a solid wave of dizziness, start at my feet and sweep up toward my head. I heard myself say, "Oh no. I forgot to eat." And then all I saw was black and white like on an old TV set that's lost its antenna.

I could hear my husband speaking but I could no longer respond. I remember thinking "how can I be having a blood sugar crash?" like I did when I had diabetes. Regardless, I clearly was. I did have hypoglycemia before I had Type II Diabetes (and which is now in remission due to DS surgery).

When I "came to," I don't know what else to call it, I felt like a statue. My mouth was open (in shock and awe?), my arms were on the armrests and, although I was thinking clearly, I could not move my body. This lasted for 10-20 seconds.

My husband offered to take me to get some food--and get out of his need for a blood draw and where we were headed--but I told him no, that I had some protein bars in my purse.

I did, do. I have a Protein Crunch bar in chocolate and protein, and it is, well, crunched, but if I needed to get something down in a pinch it would work; and a Quest protein bar, which, frankly, tastes what I imagine the bottom of a hamster cage tastes like. It is for dire emergencies only. Fortunately I had a KIND dark chocolate cherry cashew bar also in my purse, and I proceeded to gobble that--usually I eat it slowly, savoring it--and I felt better in a few minutes.

That was SO weird.

There have been a few other times I felt a little dizzy, but that was when I was still taking my high blood pressure medication and it was dropping my pressure too low. I quit taking those. My last reading was 119/68. Without medication. Awesome.

This was clearly a severe hypoglycemic event. I just had labs done and my levels couldn't have changed that dramatically in six weeks. I must always remember that deep down inside I am a diabetic and I will always be one. Just like I am always going to be a cancer patient. I cannot forget that my body would love to revert back to having diabetes, and that I must be ever on my guard to not gain back this weight, eat inappropriate things (like carbs and sugar), or ever, ever, ever forget what it felt like to be super morbidly obese--the inability to move, the shaming, the other health problems. THAT is why I had the surgery. How I look (and I hate how I look) is not important compared to these other factors. I should put this on an index card and whip it out every time my brain says "binge eat!" or "Chocolate" or "Donuts!" Because I can't think clearly when those cravings hit me. Maybe I should have it tattooed on the inside of my arm. LOL

One thing for sure--I can't forget to eat like I did today. As a formerly obese person, that is such an ironic concept. I never forgot to eat before surgery. But I don't want to repeat today's experience, especially if I'm alone. What if I'd been driving? OMG.

It's a fine line to walk--eat right and often enough, but not too much and not the wrong thing. But I must if I plan on doing any more living at all. And I'm SO ready for more living.

I told my mom about this episode yesterday. She went to nursing school (quit six months shy of graduation to get married. Back then you couldn't attend the school if you were married.), and worked as a medical transcriber for years, and she's got a lot of medical knowledge, and she says that I did, indeed, faint. So I'm going to call my doctor and let her know tomorrow. I also want to know what my x-rays showed. Not that there's a lot of help for arthritis, but mostly out of curiosity.