Carb Detoxing. Again.

The struggle is real. Cliche, but true.

This was my response to a "what's your motivation" post on one of my DS groups.

"Detox from carbs. I had super bad PMS last week and if it slowed down long enough, I ate it. frown emoticon Three days for the detox (cravings stop). UGH."

It got to the point where I was eating things not because I was hungry or even wanted them, but because I could. I had given myself mental permission to run wild. Not good.

So I said fine, if you're going to do this, there needs to be an end date, and I decided the end date was Sunday at 11:59 pm.

So this morning, of course, I wanted carbs. That's how it works. But I am sticking to my guns so far. Yogurt for breakfast, (Dannon Lite and Fit Caramel Apple Pie--my favorite. I have ten in the fridge.). some low carb clafouti with whipped cream; coffee with HWC, cup #3 just now.

I have to go out in a bit, so I'm thinking about lunch. Planning is a better word. I'm planning for lunch. One of my stops is going to be Target to get a pescription, and they have the best prices on HWC and whipped cream and eggs, so I'll be picking those up.Also coffee. They also have these protein packs, I guess from Hormel? I don't know. It's like diced chicken, turkey, or ham, cubed cheese, nuts, and they have them for $1.57. That's the cheapest price I've seen anywhere. I'm going to grab half a dozen to keep in the fridge for grab and go.

I really felt like I was an out-of-control crazy person. Mini-panic attacks; disturbed sleep; anxiety; fearfulness; overwhelmed with it all; weepy; depressed; and yeah, I went there, suicide. It's the depressive's last card. I was thinking about it a lot. Then I was thinking about Viktor Frankl's book Man's Search for Meaning. If you haven't read it, you MUST. He survived the Nazi camps. He survived them by finding meaning for his life even while still a prisoner, starved, beaten, humiliated. So while my depression-wired brain was thinking of reasons to take ALL the pills, the sensible side of me was thinking of something else: Who would suffer from my loss most? And the answer was my cats. They depend on me. Food, shelter, love, health. They are, in a way, like children, only with a lot less maintenance (although litter boxes are the bane of my existence). They were my meaning while I waited for the crazy mood swings to pass.

I started my period last night. Only 24 days since the last one. I used to have them around the 20th like clockwork, but the D&C I had in October, which was supposed to "kickstart menopause" (ha ha ha. I laugh.) simply reset the clock. I had a period 24 days later. It just moved the clock forward. Why my gynecologist, and who I saw last week for a six-week post-surgery checkup, didn't offer me something to help with the crazy, I don't know. And I was so depressed it didn't occur to me to ask. But my therapist said to talk to my PCP about it. I'm going to this week. I was too anxious (and angry) to go last week (he takes walk-ins.)

I cannot live like this. I really can't. I need some type of medical/chemical intervention. I'm tired of having periods. I'm over fifty for fucks' sake!! Enough, already. 

So anyways...the ideation has passed, along with most of the craziness (I function at a moderate level of crazy most of the time), and I've given myself permission to eat anything I want providing that it's protein. 

My father invited me to a party at his house this Saturday, and I want to look good and not have gas and diarrhea (as I have all week) while I'm there. My step-relations will be there. I haven't seen them in years, and I weigh about 150 lbs less. I'm wondering how they'll react. If past behavior is any predictor of future behavior, they'll be jerks about it, either passively aggressively, outright rude, or maybe, maybe, kindly. We'll see. I'm going to spend time with my dad. And let's face it, free food. They usually do prime rib for their Christmas parties. My dad just turned 77...I don't want to have any regrets if anything should happen once I move away. We've had some good visits here lately.

So that's where I am. If you'd like to leave some supportive or understanding comments, they would be most welcome.

Thanks for reading.

***
So far so good today:

Yogurt
LC Clafouti w/whipped cream
3 eggs, scrambled
coffee w/ HWC
Nuts w/dried cranberries
Protein box at Starbucks (not including "biscuit" and wtf?) (boiled egg, cheese, peanut butter, apple slices, grapes)
SF Peppermint mocha, breve
Three squares of chocolate.
homemade steak with bleu cheese
piece of LC/SF homemade pumpkin pie w/whipped cream
iced teas

***

My Christmas party outfit:

Blouse, size L, from Charlotte Russe. My first ever piece of clothing from their store (birthday present).

Slacks I got yesterday at Kohl's for $6.00 (Six Dollars). I am not kidding. A picture of the tag follows. They are Gloria Vanderbilt and they look fantastic on.