LilySlim - Weight loss

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Transference

I am a recovering food addict. Now that I've had the weight loss surgery, the DS, that makes it harder for me to binge eat (ha! as if.), and eating off target foods can cause GI distress in the form of either the runs or constipation, the former sometimes immediately.

I don't smoke, quit in 2006.

I don't drink, doctor's orders. I had a fatty liver, and liver enzymes are elevated for the first year or so post-DS, so I want it to heal as much as possible--I had hepatitis in 1984, Non/A, Non/B, there was no C then, but I've been tested and I don't have any of those three (I believe there is hepatitis up to K in the alphabet, now), so I've always had to keep an eye on my liver.  Once my early 20s passed, I basically only drink on holidays or hot days (Margaritas). So taking two years off to let my liver heal is really not a big deal. I'm grateful as hell it will heal.

I'm married, eight years next month, so sport-fucking is out as an addiction. Yes, it really is.

Crying is difficult, near impossible, because I take Prozac for depression and it suppresses most tears.

But I recently caught myself going down the slippery slope of shopping addiction. It's easy to rationalize because I need new, smaller clothes, since dropping 80 pounds (officially, today). And then earrings on clearance, shower gel, blah blah blah. I've been spending money we don't have.

I don't have an income. My husband gets unemployment after being laid off from his teaching job in June, and it's not a lot. Staying with my in-laws means we don't pay rent, but we couldn't afford to live here regardless, job or not job. Rents are through the roof in the OC. $1,000 will get you a room in a house or apartment, sharing a bathroom. I am not making this up. I wouldn't be living at my in-laws if it were true.

But I have been buying stuff on clearance at Target. I have a Target RED card. It's attached to my bank account, but it has a float time of 48 hours and I can get cash back on it if necessary, like, I don't know, losing my mind after being frustrated by my in-laws for weeks and weeks and heading out either in a car or on foot...? Uh, yeah.

A $100- spent at Target can break our budget for the month. I've bought t-shirts, tops, earrings on clearance, makeup, shower gel, nail polish...cheap shit, but a lot of it. And with my RED card I get an additional 5% off!  *rolleyes*

Yesterday I gave my RED card to my husband. I have no other credit cards, for the same reason. So last night I was so frustrated, so upset, so needing time alone and away from my in-laws and everyone else, that I walked out of the garage holding a dress I am selling on eBay, a pair of R's business slacks, a NOOK reader, and an 18" ruler. I was wearing a sleeveless maxi dress over my nightgown, I had on flip flops and no bra. I walked out of the garage and just kept on walking. I made it about 1.5 miles away at the big intersection and where there is a Starbucks. I read on my Nook, emailed my husband, who showed up about 90 minutes later with my purse and a bra.

And know what? The exercise was awesome. I wanted to keep going but I had nowhere to go and wasn't sure I could make it home in the flip flops.

I want to exercise. It's fun. I like it. It feels good. I want to do more of it. Need to do more of it. It reminds me of being again when moving was effortless and my body responded.

So I'm going to try and transfer my shopping addiction to exercise. I think it will work.

Of course, I'd like some cute exercise clothes and some black, hot pink, and purple tennis shoes.  LOL  Maybe when I start working. ;-P

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