Hematology Appointment, At Last

I've forgotten if I promised a post on something and just haven't gotten it done. I'll have to read through my posts to see.

I am going to the hematologist today, and I am a wreck. The anxiety started yesterday afternoon. It is crippling. I got into bed about 5 o'clock and read (fiction turns off my brain) until bed time, then I took my meds and read until I passed out, Kindle in hand.

The anxiety is less today, enough that I'll be able to function, i.e., shower, dress, drive to appointment, but not enough that I may not cry during the appointment depending on the doctor's words (I could cry either way, helpful or not helpful words). But I am anxious, no doubt about it.

I also ate like nuclear war was impending yesterday--I dropped five pounds in two days, don't ask me how--and I was shoving food in like it was my last day to eat. I had two servings of LC/SF pumpkin pie that I make with HWC. I've been craving gingerbread and that seems to soothe the urge (recipe at the bottom). I had yogurt (Dannon's lite & fit caramel apple pie. I've bought every single container at the two local grocery stores that carry it--it is a "seasonal" item and will eventually be discontinued. Then I'll be sad.) Two ham/salami/havarti/1/4 dill pickle roll-ups--like a sandwich with no bread. Next time I need some dip to go with it, Caesar dressing, vinaigrette, something. Two pieces of my LC clafouti (recipe on my WLS blog) with whipped cream; a handful of Cheeto's; another yogurt; a honeycrisp apple (I usually have with peanut butter but I'm out); I think that's it. I feel like I ate about every 1 - 2 hours. I was still hungry at 11:00 pm while I was reading, so I told myself that if I got to 11:30 still awake, I could have some food, but I fell asleep. And woke up hungry. LOL

So anyway. Back to the hematologist. I have a folder of stuff I've been compiling in my five month quest to be evaluated for bariatric surgery related iron deficiency anemia. I have:

• Labs from Nov 2014 (oldest)
• Labs from Aug 2015 (newest)
• Hysteroscopy report from 10/15/15 which says "anemia" under "medical conditions"
• A peer-reviewed article on bariatric surgery related iron deficiency anemia
• A peer-reviewed article on obsesity and malnutrition
• A letter from my surgeon recommending evaluation for IV iron infusions
• A pamphlet from ProFerrin on their heme iron, and which I used to take (when I stopped taking it, my ferritin saturation actually did not go down any further. Weird.)
• My referral from my PCP
• I'm hoping this will be enough, or that he'll just take me seriously from the get go (as if. My experience with doctors lately has been rather adversarial.)

The "deferred reward system" (DRS) seems to work for me--I promise myself a reward if I do something I either don't want to do or am too anxious to do. So my DRS for this outing is lunch out. Nothing fancy, but something yummy, healthy, and that I don't eat regularly. I'll see what's near the doctor's office (about an hour away--the closest hema who takes my shitty Medi-Cal.). I'm so anxious I feel like I'm shaking inside. 

And this is what R did for me. He always went with me to doctor appointments. I used to think it was he because he was being over-protective. Now I recognize it for what it was: I wanted him to go because he could prop me up and reduce the anxiety. Nothing like 6'2", 250 lbs of angry German/Swedish guy to see that people behave courteously. He didn't have to say or do anything most of the time. Just his presence was enough. I didn't realize how much I leaned on him for this type of support. I've got to re-learn how to do this myself. I am learning it, but it is hard. OMG.

There is no bad guy in the end of this marriage--R and I are still on friendly terms, he even called me on my birthday. (I got my usual gift of "nothing" just like every other year, really....ok, maybe a little bitterness on my end.) We were always friends and I hope we can stay friends. So far we are. 

Oh my goodness, this anxiety is so energy-draining. I know that anemia can contribute to depression, one of many contributing factors....sigh.

One last thing:  What if I don't have my shit together, i.e., mental health, by the time school starts? I can fake it til I make it, I just don't want to suck at it. LOL

OK. I need to shower. The warm water will be nice. It's been near freezing here at night--three of the cats sleep on the bed with me. Pascal is the last holdout, although he did get on the bed with me last night when it was just me on there, so that's an improvement. My elderly gentleman, my sweet, thirteen-year-old lover boy (pic at top of blog). I hate him thinking he's been left out. I'm giving him extra TLC. I think it's working.

Wish me luck. (Do you think I might even get an infusion today? Is that possible? I sure feel shitty and I really want to go for a long walk, but have been advised against it due to the anemia. I'll have access to a full gym as a student when I start Spring semester. I'm SO excited to get in there...but need to get this handled first. I'll report back when I get home.)

Have a good day!

--Sparkly Bundle of Nerves

 Libby's Famous Pumpkin Pie, Low Carb, Sugar Free

 I make this ^ pie. It's the one I grew up with so comfort and memories. This is how I make it now:

• No crust (I don't miss it, really)
• replace sugar with baking Splenda (equivalent amount--1 c sugar = 1 c Splenda)
• I use 8 ounces 2% milk and 4 ounces HWC (heavy whipping cream)

That's it. Bake as directed.

I did notice, however, that evaporated milk has almost no carbs, so I'm going to try it with my next pie, which will be soon as I only have one serving left. I may still add some HWC, we'll see what the texture is like.

Let me know if you make it and how you like it. 

Cheers.

PS:  Here is the nutrition info for one can of Libby's packed pumpkin (just plain; not the pie filling).