LilySlim - Weight loss

Friday, June 20, 2014

Flappy

I saw my naked ass this morning, and it's saggy. I was shocked and teared up. My thighs are saggy, too, that's why I turned to look at the backs of my thighs. My upper arms are flappy, and I'm sure, once the fat on my belly starts to go, probably tenanciously hanging on to the last, my tummy will flap down over my public bone.

*sigh*

I just knew, I knew, that I was going to be one of those post-WLS patients who, because of oily skin, was going to escape the flappy, saggy, baggy, wrinkly skin. How vain, shallow, and self-centered of me.

*sniff*

But to see something like that on your body? It's shocking, I mean, I'm only just a little over three months out from surgery. As of today I'm down 51 lbs, 90 pounds from my highest weight in 2011. And already the skin...the skin, my skin, is turning on me like a rabid squirrel.

Let's face it though, it's probably my age. I am 51-years-old. I'm peri-menopausal for christ's sake. Ugh.

It upset me a great deal to see the skin of an 80-year-old woman hanging from my former ass looking back at me in the mirror. Holy shit. I was off-kilter all day and even got into an argument with my mother (who I am staying with to help her out--she just spent two months in a SNF, pronounced "sniff": Skilled Nursing Facility, or nursing home), because I was off my mojo. I couldn't compartmentalize some of my reactions to her behaviors , as usual, and I gave her a butt-chewing that, although she deserved it, was probably more severe than it needed to be. *ahem* I didn't yell or swear, but it wasn't good, either. We made up later.

Anyways...I've lost six pounds this week. I don't know why. I think that's a little high, at least for me it is, I was more a 3-4 pound a week loser. I find that concerning. Of course one of my first thoughts today after seeing all that saggy skin was to head for the nearest donut to try to quit losing weight. *sigh*  "More carbs! I need more carbs!" was the thought running through my head as I drove from west Orange County back to northeast Orange County (I was visiting my cats at my in-laws). I cried a few more times. I wanted to talk to someone about it, but at the moment, I had no one: My mom's caught up in her own health issues; my husband is out of town and frankly, I'd rather he not see my wrinkly ass; I haven't reconnected with friends since I've been down here as my mom is very time-consuming; and I've had limited access to the net. *sigh*

I'm pretty sure I'm extremely stressed and hiding it, even from me, extremely well. It's not good to do that. Our insurance is ending on July 1 and we're trying to decide which ACA insurance we're going to sign up for so I'm sure there will be problems and a gap in coverage (on paper, only; it will eventually "catch up"), or I would be looking for a shrink right now. Because I have no income, I'm probably eligible for all kinds of social services.Hmmm...

But I digress.

I knew the possibility existed that I would lose the weight, lose the diabetes, resolve some other on-going issues with a large weight loss, increase energy and mobility...and trade it for the body of the elephant man. I took the risk anyway because I was just dying by inches. I had a few regrets earlier today, "why did I do this to myself?" but I've wrapped my head around it a little better and I have emotionally accepted, or started accepting, that the tradeoff was still a good one. Even though my new body makes me cry.

*sigh*

"...and miles to go before I sleep..."

4 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're feeling the angst of post-WLS excess, saggy skin. Many, MANY post-WLS folks do, so you're in good company. Unless you're in your 20s, with good Mediterranean other genes, and haven't spent a lifetime morbidly or super morbidly obsese, it's the norm.

    For whatever reason, it's never really bothered me because I felt and was SO much healthier, and I looked SO much better (clothed) than I ever had as an adult. I did find it alternatingly fascinating *and* creepy to see my excess skin lying next to me in the bed when I was on my side once.

    I think your head will adjust over time. But if it doesn't and it's important enough to you, you can always choose plastics. They make me shudder ... but folks often go that route.

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  2. It's a real mindfuck, especially since I wasn't expecting it to happen until closer to 6 months and 100 pounds, not 3 months and less than 50.

    I am considering plastics for the first time--I have years to think about it, but I know there's NO WAY I would ever had a lower body lift. Just no way. There's no drugs in the world good enough to help with that much pain. UGH.

    We'll see. Right now I need to just deal, but it's hard.

    Thanks,

    SJ

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  3. You aren't the only one facing this issue! I'm an average-sized woman (size 8) who lost 50 pounds when I was 22 (I am now 51). My skin wasn't too bad when I was young, but as I have aged it's gotten worse, and it's very disheartening. I know it's small comfort but at least if it gets really bad you can have the surgery to remove the skin (which has its own set of problems, I'm sure) and have it covered by insurance. It will cost me thousands out of my own pocket if I decided to have a thigh lift, which is my worst area. So I wear capri pants and bermuda shorts, and wear a pareo over my bathing suit. My hubs doesn't complain so I guess I should just get over it. You will adapt...and you're right, the tradeoffs for better health were so worth it! I don't mean to lecture, I just want you to know you are not the only one facing the post-menopausal skin flap! :)

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  4. I'm sorry for the mind-fuck experience, There but for the grace of God go I. Reach out to folks who've had that reaction, that's all I can say. They're out there!

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