Cow Flop

Call me Gassy.

Sometimes I feel like these morning DS poops are like giant cow poops--I sit down, it flops out, it smells, I flush, wash, and move on.

Today was especially bad.

All my fault.

We're "out of town," which is kind of a misnomer because we're in the area we're going to be living in. My husband got a job on the (gorgeous) central coast of California and we're staying at a hotel while we look for a place...and which is not going well.

We have a mini fridge in our room, and I've got it stocked with cheese, cottage cheese, HwC, yogurt, and water. I also have some nuts and a bag of spicy chipotle beef jerky. During the daytime, while he's at work, I have my snacks and meals covered. At night, we generally go out for a hot meal.

Last night my husband came in from work, hungry and agitated, and insisted he wanted to go to Hometown Buffet. We found one and drove over there. I didn't really want to go there, but figured I'd have a nice big piece of prime rib with horseradish sauce.

Instead, I thoughtlessly and mindlessly...no, that's not true. I acted with intention and choice. I made bad choices and I knew I was making bad choices but I just said "fuck it." I had cornbread with butter, I had a spoonful of barbecued beans, broccoli salad with bacon, four bites of Caesar salad, prime rib, a chicken wing, a piece of fish with tartar sauce, Bourbon chicken, and a small piece of coconut pie.

I didn't eat anywhere near what I used to eat and what put me at 351 pounds--I can't eat large quantities--but I ate quite a bit of the wrong thing. And I knew it. Food addiction is insidious.

I told my husband, "I'll be shitting all day tomorow."

I had a bloated stomach and gas all night. The smell of nasty gas actually woke me up. I crapped so much when I got up, I didn't think the toilet would flush, honestly.

Fortunately, this happens rarely anymore. Addiction recovery is a lifelong, frequently daily, sometimes minute-by-minute process. Fortunately, the DS offers consequences, serious consequences, that make it easier for me--not easy, easiER--to make good choice, improve my health, my outlook, and how I feel. And why I chose it.

I make no excuses. I made the choices, I live with the consequences. Sometimes knowing they are there is not enough--sometimes I need to experience them. Clearly.

But man...last night was a long and painful one.

I'm putting on my exercise pants and going for a long walk.