Well Crap

I've been dealing with the food demons. I'm guessing this is going to be a lifelong thing. Sigh.

After ten days of too high carbs, I polished that off with a long weekend (3 days) of LOTS of carbs.

Donuts. PopTarts (with butter, of course). French Toast (SF syrup...mitigating...). Potato chips (Lay's sour cream and cheddar. With ranch dip.) Followed by three days of crapping my brains out, including in the middle of the night. Good times.

Today was my third day of my carb detox. Usually by now the carb cravings have stopped and it's less a matter of thoughtful eating versus ironclad willpower. Today I went to therapy and I talked about my THIRTEEN pound weight gain. Yeah, in ten days. I certainly didn't eat 13 pounds of food, and 3 pounds are already gone in just a few days, so I'm guessing that some of it is water weight. Plus, we're heading into the end of the month so my lady bits are kicking into gear and sabotaging my hormones / carb cravings. I think. I don't know. I see my new gynecologist at the end of the month. Whatever.

So today was my third day of clean DS eating. High protein and fat, low carbs (under 50). I made a batch of the almond cookies with a piece of strawberry  (one berry cut into eighths), and one SF chocolate chip. I don't really like SF chocolate chip so I'll skip that in the future. I have them with coffee when I get up, like a breakfast biscuit. But today I had to drive to therapy, 45 minutes away (but worth it), and I wanted a cup of coffee after. I have a Starbucks I like, the closest to where I live, and I needed to pee, so I went inside the store. Long line. Standing in front of the bakery case. Looking. Staring. Having already thought long and hard about a blueberry scone (SO good. Yeah, had two last week. *rolleyes*).

Then I saw that they had bags of almonds. I got one of those instead, then felt like I should get a gold g*ddamn medal for my bravery and perseverance. (Entitled much, Jules? Sigh.) And a big Pike Place with half/half, cinnamon, chocolate powder, two Splenda (I didn't have any Stevia with me, my go-to sweetener.). Very good. Satisfying.

Got Panda takeout as a treat because my husband hates any Asian food, so I eat it whenever I can when he's not with me. I got the hot & sour soup, green bean chicken (still in the fridge with half the soup), and holy G*d, they have spare ribs. They are delish! OMG, I hope they stay on the menu permanently. Wow. So tender, kind of Korean BBQ-y, with a bit of heat at the end. Wow. Then I remembered that I still had PopTarts in the cupboard.

I read for a while trying not to obsess about them. That worked. Then I remembered the potato chips (see above) and the dip still in the fridge. I ate a lot of chips. I finished off the dip. My tummy is gurgling and the gas is starting. A few chips is ok, half a bag? Not so ok. And I'm still thinking about the damn PopTarts (cinnamon, my favorite).

So I took a shower because I got cold. And I looked at all the different scents of shower gel littering the shower:  Guava/watermelon. Lemon. Fig/citrus. Emerald something. Vanilla something  (a xmas gift which I don't use because it smells like sugar cookies and yeah, trigger. I think my mom will get both it and the sugar scrub). Cucumber/melon. Grapefruit. And the nail polishes. Skincare products and makeup. Even a new brush (purple tie-dye and $2-!).

I'm trying to fill that empty hole inside of me with something. Food or shopping so far. I did take a hit off my mom's cigarette after one of the vet visits for her poor kitty (who at four-years-old was found to be full of tumors in his bones and spleen and spreading and had to be put down. Devastating grief all around.), the cigarette was nasty and I put it out and gave it back to her. Bleah. I can't believe I used to do that 20 times a day. It's been almost ten years since I quit.

No drinking, doctor's orders. I had two sips of champagne at Christmas, and that's been it for a year+. As a cancer survivor (Ocular Melanoma), if it metastasizes, it will go to my liver first most likely. I also had hepatitis (Not A, B or C, I got tested. I hear it's up to K, now), when I was 20 so I'm always conscious of what my liver is doing. As an obese person I had non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. The MRI I had last June, to check for metastasis, also showed that nearly all the fat was gone from my liver post-surgery. WIN. So I'm extra careful about my liver. Plus, I've never been a big drinker. But I sure would like a few belts. One more year of teetotaling. It's for the best. Who knows what I'd do with alcohol. Sigh.

Where did this empty hole come from? Why can't I fill it? Food does't help. Cosmetics / shopping doesn't help. It's not something that can come externally, it has to come from inside,  internally, from me, my soul/heart/brain/spririt. I don't know how to do it. I'm trying, I'm really trying. But right now all I can think about are those fucking PopTarts. Lalalala! Make it stop.