"...Cookies All the Way!"

So I overindulged my pre-planned, thought-out indulgence on Christmas Day.

My name is Jules. I am a food addict.

I cannot control myself around baked goods, period, the end.

I ate a boatload of cookies on Christmas Day--cookies I purchased at the store because we never made cookies on Christmas Eve like we'd planned on.

Shortbread, gingersnap (the chewy kind), and a small fruitcake. I like fruitcake. I don't know how many I ate, too many to count, plus a sliver of pecan pie and half of an apple strudel.

And some white chocolate peppermint bark.

The painful diarrhea started about three am. The gas, bloating, and cramps kept me up for hours in-between two-hour shit intervals.

I totally deserve it.

I did it to myself.

I lost control.

There is no such thing as "a few cookies." There is only "many cookies." I literally could not stop. I kept shoving them in. Oh yeah, I also had some Hershey's chocolate bells (like kisses only bell-shaped). I remember thinking, "You're really overdoing it." And then telling myself to "STFU."

I remembered why I was  morbidly obese, nearly super morbidly obese, for most of my life. I don't have an "OFF" switch when it comes to sugar and carbs. My tiny stomach held as many cookies as I could shove in. I should not have been able to hold the amount of food I ate over the course of the day, but I never felt full. Just like when I was obese.

I'm back on the protein, fat and less than 50 carbs per day wagon, but it's hard. I want carbs. I want them every minute of every day. Is this what drug or alcohol addiction feels like?

Eating them has made things worse. The obsession is amped up.

It was a mistake.

One I intend to learn from.

I just can't start. Don't even take one step onto the sugar-carb highway. You go from zero to 80 in five seconds flat. You. Cannot. Eat. Sugar/Carbs. You just can't.

I am a sugar/carb addict.

I have lost 113 pounds in nine months. NINE. MONTHS. I no longer have diabetes or high blood pressure. I can walk and stand for long periods of time. This is how I want to be, not the other way.

But the carbs. They call to me.

I won't listen. Lalalalalalala!!!