Guess what?? WLS does not take away the psychological components of binge- and over-eating. And it hit me super hard at Christmas. I've done some pretty clean eating since then, not counting restaurant meals (choices can often be limited--I'm looking forward to more cooking and eating at home), but yesterday I was a food-craving nutcase.
My husband had gone up to the central valley to get the last of our things out of storage--we just ran out of room even with a 16-foot bobtail truck and a seatless mini-van--so I was bouncing around yesterday at odds as to what to do with myself (the night before I had done a lot more unpacking, tub emptying, and cleaned out my dresser with old clothes, in good condition, to be donated, somewhere. I'd like to give to a battered woman's shelter); a whole day with no one making demands and nothing that urgently needed doing and a big snowstorm on the way, and so I just stayed in my pajamas and stayed home, playing with the cats, surfing online via phone, and reading a book on my Kindle.
And then the food mindgames started. I had forgotten I had purchased a roll of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls (the Cinnabon kind) recently because I was just going to give in to the damn Cinnabon craving, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
So I started looking for something, anything interesting to eat. I found a mini-Kit-Kat that my husband had brought home from work, and a quarter-sized piece of Dove dark chocolate. I ate them both. I kept nibbling at other things to keep from eating the cinnamon rolls, and which needed to be baked.
I ate a bunch of crap I didn't need nor want in order to keep away from those fucking rolls. UGH. I should've just eaten them.
I'm at a Burger King right now sucking up their free Wi-Fi and guess what they sell here, all soft, gooey, warm and cinnamon-ey? Yep. Cinnabon buns. So I got one. I let it sit for a while and continued to think about it. It cooled off. I ate it. It didn't taste that good cold. I wish I hadn't eaten it. I'm going to pay for it with gas, cramps, bloating, and the shits later. It wasn't worth it.
I feel like a failure as a WLS post-op, but at the same time I know that I went a long time without binging or even having the intensity of thoughts I'm having now. But I'm going to have to carb detox, which takes about 3 days, and then go back to the protein, fat, under 50 carbs a day I had been doing. I'm close to breaking into the 100s. I haven't weighed that little since high school, and that was after losing 30 pounds on Weight Watchers (my step-mother and I joined together when I was sixteen). I wonder if part of me is afraid to hit that number. I already look at all the saggy skin on my body--particularly my ass, which seems to have settled, in pleats, at the tops of my thighs--and yes, I've seen much, much worse cases of excess skin--and it makes me want to cry. Decades of being over 300 lbs have done this to me. And yes, I did it to myself, but the science to obesity is so much more complex than what we ever realized, and how food addiction is as bad as any heroin addiction, so there's no sense in pointing blame now. If anything, all the diets and up and down weights I experienced over the years contributed to me having metabolic syndrome, and my body held onto every damn pound as long as possible before letting it go, and I could never break 300 lbs on my own just dieting.
I belong to a really nice group on Facebook of DSer's that has minimal to no pettiness or assholery, and then I joined a binge eater support group also, and discovered that in addition to the drama, I don't really feel like the people there "get" what it means to be post-WLS and a binge eater, and I don't feel that the support I need is really there. I may leave that group.
I haven't started walking again, yet. Frankly, my anxiety is high and I don't like leaving the house by myself. I'll go if it's important, like to the DMV on Monday (more on that later), but it's anxiety and I know it. While I was in SoCal at Christmas I forgot my anti-depressant and anti-anxiety meds (but not my vitamins! LOL), and now is about the time when the half life wears off and the mood changes. I'll be all right in a few days, but now I'm really down. All I can do is wait it out. More Cinnabon isn't going to hurt. My stomach already feels like I swallowed a slowly inflating balloon. (#@!*&)
Well, Happy New Year, and may your eating plan, whatever it may be, make you happy and fulfilled.
Next year: May it be better than the last.
Cheers
No comments:
Post a Comment