Doing All Right

Eating and other ways.

Yesterday was a very difficult one--my father-in-law passed away. He was in late state ALS. He'd been in hospital for six weeks on a respirator via a tracheostomy, and which he HATED. He also had pneumonia, sepsis, and a bed sore. The four IV antiobiotics he was on made him feel like shit. He couldn't talk. He'd been on a GI feeding tube for the last year and lost the ability to clearly enunciate his words last December. He hated being in bed and not being able to do all the things he liked to do--he was constantly busy, working on some project or other. He said he felt like he was being tortured. It was his decision to cease the IV antibiotics and get off the respirator. We all supported him in that decision and stood by as he died, quietly, pain-free.

I did some stress eating all while acknowledging in my head that it was stress eating--a Hershey Symphony bar with toffee chips and almonds, and four 1/2 donuts, so two whole donuts over the course of a day, otherwise I stuck with protein and fat and lots of coffee, iced tea, and Crystal Light blackberry lemonade (the squeezable stuff, made with honey but low carb).

I remember standing there, crying, watching him struggle for his last breaths, and wishing for a biscuit with butter, and then feeling stupid for wanting carbs as I watched a man die. That really drove home for me the level of addiction (is that the best word?) that carbs have for me. My first reaction is to stuff something in my mouth. At least yesterday I did eat crap mindfully and minimally. There was a moderate amount of fallout (the runs) but not enough that it interfered with my activities.

In the meantime, my pants are all baggy in the seat and thighs. I'm sure I've lost in the waist but until that hernia is repaired there's no way to know. I look more pregnant every day. Whatev. I am not happy with the discomfort, however.

Today was a much, much better eating day. I'm at my in-laws, I've been here for five days and will be here through Sunday. Breakfast with my mom for mother's day, lunch with my husband's mum, then back home. I'll be delighted to be there again. Our landlady's high school age daughter is taking care of our cats. I hope they're not too miserable.

So this week was a tough one. I didn't drink, smoke, cheat on my husband, or binge. Considering the level of stress and sadness, I call that a win.