Despite it All

I continue to shrink.

My thighs look like those of an elephant--wrinkly from knee to crotch. I'm not thrilled about that.

My new size 16 pants that were snug? Are sliding off of me. I was a size 16 in high school after losing 35 pounds on Weight Watchers and I was very thin--my hip bones jutted out--and I wore a size 16 at 175 lbs. I'm 188 lbs (last time I weighed on Thursday), so thirteen pounds, so how can I be smaller now than when I was 16? Distribution? I don't know. I'm glad I got all the pants on clearance at Kohl's, but damn. I thought I'd really be in a size 16. Now it's looking like I might hit a size 14. I don't remember the last time I wore that. I was a size nine in 9th grade, but by 10th grade I was a 16 (and I had also been taken off of the amphetamines that I took for ADD, and which were an appetite suppressant, [abruptly by well-meaning, but wrong, relatives], so I skipped over sizes 10 - 14 and went right to 16.

I gotta tell you, it's weird.

I take a lot of selfies because I'm still startled when I look in the mirror, or someone (men) holds a door for me, gives me a smile or a compliment ("I like our necklace" I got that at the grocery store on Friday. I've had that necklace for years, no one ever complimented me on it. Fat people are so devalued in society.). I'm still the same person, just a different shape and size. As much I as appreciate the attention, which is also annoying, I really resent it, too. I'm smaller so now I matter. I'm "prettier" by social standards so now I am treated better. I'm sorry, but that is really fucked.

After I left the hospital today, I put on KFI. I love talk radio, what can I say? Although I really dislike John an Ken. They're on M-F, 3 - 7 pm. I turn them off, but I like the other hosts and in particular, Tim Conway, Jr who is on 7 - 10. He's a rip even if I don't agree with him politically, and which he rarely discusses.

At any rate, on Sunday, there is a new afternoon show hosted by Zoey Tur, former news chopper reporter Bob Tur famous for following and providing narration during OJ's low speed Broncho chase in 94. And he talked about how he felt marginalized by some after becoming a woman. About how when her car battery died, the repairman tried to teach her how to use the jumper cables. "I can dismantle and repair a jet engine," she said laughingly. And how if she goes outside without a shirt on, she can get a ticket for indecent exposure just for "showing my boobs. I know some heavy men who have boobs, but they don't get tickets." Different view from the other side of the tracks, eh Zoey?

I'm experiencing a similar thing except instead of male to female, I've gone from obese to thin=beautiful. And yeah, it pisses me off.

I'm super tired and I lost my train of thought--my FIL is dying and I've had a lot on my plate lately with more to come. I'll have to pick this up another time.

Cheers