LilySlim - Weight loss

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Mental Carb Cravings

I'm still fighting the head games regarding carbs and other sweets. I wish I'd never had that damn popcorn the other night. I'm constantly thinking about food--it's starting to piss me off.  For the most part I've managed to maintain protein, fat, low carbs (today:  59. Not fab, but still very good, and that includes two cookies. European butter cookies, there was a box on the counter, what can I say? I ate them. Sigh.), but I really want to shove a lot of food in my mouth. Why? I'm going to go with stress as my guess (I'm a poet! LOL). Staying with my mom and then my in-laws, mom / in-laws, mom / in-laws...no job, no income except what my husband gets for unemployment insurance, no place of our own, privacy, our stuff in storage, my mother, my MIL and FIL being sick...trying to maintain the LCHP/F diet? It's hard. I'm coping the best that I can, sometimes better than others.

My bellybutton wound that was cauterized on Wednesday already looks much, much better. It is bleeding quite a bit but that's good--no pus, no weird other fluids or bad smells. I can see it trying to heal. It hurt (burned), but I'm glad my doctor did it and hopefully it will be fully closed soon.

Food was my coping mechanism. I've tried to replace it with exercising, but I have to say my back is not in good shape. If I move the wrong way, it feels like my vertebrate in the area that hurts are sliding around like a square of Jell-O on a wet plate. It's made it easy to avoid exercise, but I think perhaps if I keep walking that it could help my back--if nothing else, it's good for the rest of my body. I enjoy it. Talk the talk and walk the walk, girl.

***

My perception of overweight people is changing as I've gotten smaller. I'm embarrassed to say this, but my first thought when I see is an obese person is pity, and a smug sort of self-importance that "I'm not like you, anymore." Embarrassing to admit, but there it is. Then I catch myself and remember how hard it was to be morbidly obese, how hard it was to diet, to get around, to walk, to bend, buy clothes, fit in a restaurant booth TAKE INSULIN TWICE A DAY. And then I feel badly for them and want to embrace them and tell them, "There's a way! You don't have to live like this anymore! I know how to get you some help." But I'm sure most people would not appreciate that. I know I wouldn't have. I'm often glad that no one can hear what I'm thinking as I'm frequently appalled at some of my own thoughts.

***
Today was a hard day. Lots of difficult things compounded by a visit to the ER as my MIL had a blood clot in her arm. Fortunately it was shallow and could be easily treated with Lovamox [sp] and an increase in her blood thinner. I was asked to sit with her as my husband had a job interview and my FIL, who has ALS--yes, of the ice bucket challenge--just didn't have the energy to sit with her. I didn't mind. Unfortunately, a large man came in in full arrest--he had no shirt on, his face was bright red, his body gray, he was unconscious and limp and had had a tracheotomy performed on him.

We sat and listened as the doctor told his daughter, a young lady of around 21, that they were only keeping him alive with drugs and that it was not sustainable--the best thing she could do was to just let him go. He talked to her for a while and it finally sunk in that he was going to die, and soon, and she broke down in hysterics. Once she calmed herself she started calling family but had trouble reaching them and convincing them of the seriousness of the situation and was unable to reach her mother at all. I'm sure by now, nearly 10 hours later, that the man has passed away and his family is beginning the difficult process of grieving their loss. I didn't know the man, but listening to this young lady sob her heart out over her cell phone was heartbreaking. She was very brave.

I'm going to try and sleep, now. At least I can't eat or think about eating while I'm asleep.

Sigh.


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