LilySlim - Weight loss

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Stress Eating? No, it's Panic Eating

I'm shoving things in my mouth that I haven't eaten in years. Just in case, you know, that I never get to eat it again. *panic* It's a ridiculous pathology, but I'm going through it and trying to deal with it the best that I can, which is to say not well.

I've eaten pastries from Starbucks, Italian subs, raisin toast with butter, cinnamon muffins (4--in one day), pancakes, eggs, bacon and sausage, chocolate, you name it, it's going into my mouth.

I'm sure other pre-WLS patients have done this. I've read about "last meals" or "last suppers". Mine is more like a buffet. An ongoing buffet.

I'm sitting here now, typing this, thinking about what can I eat next? And I'm not thinking about roasted cauliflower, knowhatImsayin'?  *exhale* It's hard to be this dysfunctional over food. That's why the surgery. In addition to my lifetime of yo-yo dieting that screwed up my metabolism, and the diabetes, I'm out of options. I figure I've got another 10 years, and not good years at that, before a heart attack or stroke takes me out or incapacitates me. Remember Luther Vandross? He was a diabetic. He had a stroke and was in a nursing facility for years before he died. I'd rather die than endure that, although I would probably get a lot of reading done--at least if my mind wasn't blown out.

I'm trying to live longer. A heart attack or stroke may still be in my future, there are no guarantees, but I will reduce the risk by having this surgery.

In the meantime, I think I just need to eat through these panicked feelings and get it out of my system. No regrets.

Then, when R gets paid, I'm getting a new bathrobe and some slippers for the hospital. Pink. We'll be paying for travel expenses and hotel costs by...not paying any bills except the rent for March. That's how we're going to do it. Whatever it takes. We'll be paying a lot less for food in the future, that's for damn sure.

R's mom wants me to come down on the 5th and stay until surgery, recover at their house, and then they'll drive me home. Uh, no. Not going to happen. I'm considering driving down on the 13th, staying at my mom's, seeing the doctor and doing pre-admit at the hospital on the 14th, then getting a hotel for my mother and I and R who is driving down after work, and I need to be checked in before 3pm to start the bowel cleanse (fun!). And then once I'm released from the hospital, I plan on staying at another hotel near the hospital in case of emergency. I don't know how I'm going to tell his parents this, but that's what I want. I hope my mom will stay with me that week. If he okays it, then I'll drive myself back home. If not, R will have to take the train down, pick up me and my mom, and take her and then me home in our van that I'll have driven down on the 13th. It's a lot of work, logistics.

I just hope and pray that the surgery is successful with few or no complications, that my lungs behave themselves, and that I check out on Monday the 17th *fingerscrossed*

Now if you'll excuse me, I need some more raisin toast.

*rolleyes*

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