Vanity

Let's face it. No matter how hard we try to deny, deny, deny that we're not vain, we're not concerned about our looks, we're having surgery to improve health (which is also true, and primary), there is going to be a little satisfaction about looking well, what social mores say is "better", i.e., thinner and therefore more beautiful.

I had nearly convinced myself that I was only worried about excess skin and not appearance, only improved health. And then I saw this photo of myself as I was moving pictures onto a storage device. Ack!

I took this photo because I thought my hair looked so funny after just getting up. And it does look funny. But I look at my puffy, swollen, face from 30+ pounds ago (July 2010) and I just think...UGH. "I had no idea I was that fat (overweight)." I really didn't. 

I looked at some other pictures of myself, some more recent, some two years ago, and I think...."dayum; I'm fat." My internal self-image does not look anything like my real self. It was shocking, to say the least, especially now that I'm down a few pounds. I think I clean up real well, and my face looks more angular, now. And I like that look.

I'll be doing before and after and during photos along this journey...of course...but some of my reaaalllly overweight pictures are already on this computer. I hope I never get that heavy again.

***

In other news....my only male cousin was admitted to ICU in the state he lives in, Kentucky, last night with what is presumably a heart attack since he's waiting to have a heart catherization [sp]. I'm waiting by the phone to hear.. He's been obese and super-obese most of his life. If I had to guess, he's now between 400 and 500 pounds. Diabetic, triglycerides of 3,000 (not a typo 3K), etc. He's about...seven years older than I am. THIS is why I'm having surgery. To hopefully avoid this scenario. I've talked to him over the years about WLS, but he never seemed interested. I even once challenged him to a Weight Watcher's diet to see who would lose the most, but he didn't even respond to my email. It all goes back to the 2008 presidential election. He sent me a racist email pertaining to now President Obama, and I wrote him back that I found those types of emails racist and offensive and to please not send me any more. Evidently he got all bent out of shape and even refused to meet with me and my husband when we were in Kentucky in 2009. 

Still. I am worried about him, and I care what happens to him. I hope he will be all right. He's had a hard life. Granted, some of the choices he made weren't helpful, but he otherwise was handed some very difficult life-shit. His father being a class A asshole for one. A father who was murdered during a drug deal about 20 years ago. Super nice guy. NOT. Regardless. If he survives this, I hope it will be an epiphany for him and he will consider the WLS to not only improve his health and life, but to live.

I am getting more and more excited as the days go by. Let's. Do. This.

Now that I've put down a big chunk of change--it finally feels real. It's real. It's going to happen barring any unforseen circumstances....it's finally happening. OMG.