I can do well for about 3 or 4 days of clean eating, then it gets to be too much, and then I eat too many carbs or too much protein (instead of carbs).
I've been really depressed since about Saturday. Since this seems to be a pattern--the week or so before my period--I get depressed and crave carbs, last night found me scarfing down a whole bag of Sugar Free Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. I got them at the dollar store a week ago and forgot about them. A serving is 3. By the end of the night, I'd eaten all of them, which I believe was 12. So since it had sugar alcohols in it, I had loud gas all night and diarrhea all day. Good times.
But I didn't stop there. I wanted chocolate and I wanted it now. I scoured the cupboards and found a bag of Nestle's semi-sweet chocolate chips--white from age--and a bag of butterscotch chips. I was undeterred by their aging state: I microwaved them and ate them with a spoon out of a cereal bowl.
After that, I wanted protein, and fought my cat off for a few slices of ham lunch meat and sharp cheddar cheese (my favorite cheese). I ate about half of it before I got full, not including the nibbles I gave the cat.
Today, more of the same. I want carbs. I want carbs. I want carbs. I want carbs. I want carbs. I want carbs.
I want to lie in bed and be alone and read and sleep. Repeat.
For breakfast I had some leftover chili (just ground beef, chili powder, cumin, garlic, s&p, and tomato sauce) over some leftover corn chips from Rubio's a few days ago (a handful), with lots of cheese and some sour cream. I ate the whole thing even though I was full. It was four hours ago, and I'm still full. But I want carbs, even tho there's no room.
I've been reading books, blogs, and articles about keto diets, LCHF, overcoming food addiction, emotional eating, how to soothe yourself without food, but I still want CARBS. It's not rational. It's monstrous.
I need more help than I can give to myself. I'm pretty sure my therapist, who I love, and who does work with addictions, is not familiar with food addictions. I'm basing that on his excess weight (tummy area like most men), and the big bag of candy he keeps on a table next to one of the sofas. Sigh.
Our insurance is an HMO now, so I don't know how hard it's going to be to get some help from a registered dietitian--that's who I believe I need to see. Because I feel like I'm in the deep end of the pool and I'm going to drown any moment. I also need to see a GYN. I'm tired of having periods (at 52), and the hormone fluctuations not to mention the facial acne. Sigh.
I feel crazy. I just want to crawl into bed in my jammies. Not the ones I wore last night because I sharted in my sleep.
Sigh.
I check in here rarely, but you're not a freak in your fondness for carbs. They're personal and cultural comfort foods, and they do release trigger their own pleasure responses, Still, I'm not sure I believe in food addiction, per se, but certainly lots of us eat for comfort and solace in times of stress or even celebration -- that's how we got fat to begin with and what challenges us during maintenance.
ReplyDeleteI do absolutely find the concept of emotional eating a very useful one, and I fall smack-dab into the camp of folks who have done/do that. Less than I used to, but I suspect I'm hard-wired now since my early childhood to *want* to do that, and I always will be.
Registered dietitians don't hold a lot of appeal for me because 1) most have zero understanding of the DS; 2) many lack an understanding of emotional eating. For me, conventional therapy -- but perhaps with a person who has an expertise in areas of emotional eating -- is still the most effective intervention. Drugs, alcohol, food: the dynamic is the same, regardless of the actual problem substance.
You sound depressed to me, really, and as if that's underlying issue. But you're taking steps to deal with that, so good for you. Part of it is an understandable response to where you feel your life is at right now and circumstantial; part of it today is hormonal, probably; and part of it is that, SF PB cups notwithstanding, you've withdrawn a major source of comfort and pleasure (FOOD) by having the DS. Crap. Now what?!
I'd let yourself off the hook for "bingeing" on protein. I tell myself I can eat as much as I want -- if it's protein or fat. No DS patient stopped losing or regained due to protein or fat intake, let's face it.
Good luck.
Well, thanks Google for deleting my long, thoughtful answer. I'm not retyping it but what I said basically is "Thanks for commenting. I can relate to everything you said."
DeleteHugs.