Thursday, September 3, 2015
I am nothing if not determined. I do not give up easily despite being an anxious depressive. There may be delays, but I don’t quit. It took me 27 years to finish college, but I never get up. I took time off, but always went back.
Eighteen months ago I had my guts rearranged in order to reverse Type II Diabetes, reduce my heart attack and stroke risk (which is triple the rate of the GP for diabetics), and lose some weight. I also got rid of high blood pressure. Bonus. I knew I would lose weight, but it really didn’t hit home to me just how dramatic that weight loss would be.
I didn’t plan on being this thin. And truthfully, I could safely lose another 20 pounds. I don’t like how I look. I look gaunt, tired, wrinkly, and saggy in a lot of places that are fortunately covered up by clothes.
What I wanted was health. And right now? I’m not healthy.
Oh sure, the diabetes is in remission, the HBP is now low blood pressure (with it’s own challenges like orthostatic hypotension [dizziness upon standing]) and I have to look at my deformed body in the mirror every day. Yes, evidently I am that shallow.
But I’m anemic. How badly I don’t know since the doctor seems to think that’s secret information she needs to keep from me. She’s getting a visit from me on Friday, in person.
I’ve been craving and eating carbs for the last 24 hours. I’ve had gas that smells worse than any sewer or cow yard I’ve ever smelled. I’ve also had diarrhea. I was mainlining carbs yesterday like Jesse Pinkman on a bad day.
I don’t like how it makes me feel, both physically and mentally. I feel ashamed, weak, and out of control. My body feels horrible—uncomfortable, jittery, and gassy. Because of the frequent bathroom trips this morning, I was unable to make it to the walk-in psych clinic. Today I am taking my mom to the doctor, so I'll have to try again on Monday.
But as far as nutrition, I’m going to start from the beginning.
Tomorrow, my breakfast is going to be a protein shake, chocolate, and I’m going to throw in an Oikos vanilla Greek yogurt in there along with the ice, and drink it while on the way to my mom’s. I’m taking her to the doctor tomorrow (praying to the traffic gods right now—let it be clear!). She’s offered to take me to lunch—very nice—which will probably be Thai food or Denny’s. I hope Thai. They have some very good healthy choices for DSers.
For dinner, another shake with Greek yogurt. Snacks? We’ll see if I’m hungry. If I am it’ll be boiled eggs, cheese, or slices of lunchmeat (from the deli counter, not the plastic wrap).
I’m going to do this for three days to detox from carbs and get rid of the cravings.
Then I’m going to do something I never have done: Menu Plan. At least for one week. R should be here when I get home tomorrow (or perhaps late tonight? He’s off galavanting around visiting friends and relatives before he heads up north. Fine.), so I’ll see if he needs meals made for him, too. We’re damn near out of money—the rent’s not paid—hopefully his dock check will be here Friday or we are fucked. Regardless, when I get home from mom’s tomorrow, I’m going to plan my menu breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks for seven days, and I’m going to stick to it. No more giving into cravings ignoring leftovers because I’m “bored” with them. I need to eat like I care about my health, because I do.
Food addiction and emotional eating are real things. Studies have been done from reputable schools and published in peer-reviewed journals. I take them seriously. But like the shoe company says, the best way to get over carb and other food addictions is to Just. Do. It.
A few months ago I purchased a coloring book and pencils, and my favorite aunt also sent me a coloring book. They’ve sat in the box from Amazon since March. I need to implement them. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Once I’m released by my doctor to return to exercising, I plan to do that, too, instead of eating. I miss going on walks. I want to do it. My body just can’t do it right now.
So that’s my plan. I’ll be honest as I go along, and we’ll see how it helps with my general health, mood, depression and anxiety.
Fingers crossed, into the deep end.